Nov 27 4:39am

My cats are laying here and it looks like someone took several loaves of bread, rolled them in cat hair and attached Styrofoam heads. I wonder if I would be able to tuck all extremities under my body and yet still manage to keep my face off the floor?

Ummmm, and this is a song...

SICK and BEAUTIFUL (in part)

All the world's your ashtray

I'm just your Marlboro

light me up and butt me

you're sick and beautiful

stand beneath Godzilla

a 3D free for all

set me up then stomp me

you're sick and beautiful


you're gravy with gasoline


you're napalm with novocaine


I need a quick fix

I'm flashing like an instamatic

I'm crusted like a worn out penthouse


your junk is habitual

you're sick and you're beautiful

bounce me hard and dunk me


peel my Band-Aid slowly

its psychological


leave me in a ditch

like roadkill


have some mercy and Kevorkian me.



somewhat later... (8am-ish?)

I really got to start closing up my editor while I surf the web, I swear to god. Just read someone's online journal and noticed the brilliant and never underused comment about "if there is no straight day then why do we have gay days AKA gay pride?" Now gee, I had to think for a whole tenth of a second till I thought of a response to that one.... CAUSE YOU ALREADY GET 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR!!!! DUHHH!!!

Almost considered sending a response but I pretty much figured that this one was a lost cause... and without to much digging further I concluded we were reading the thots of a teenage boy.....

Also surfed a few rings and checked out some guidelines, etc. Was really put off by a few of them, mostly the ones that made apologies about how chances are you won't get accepted because they are so discerning, blah, blah, blah. AND I noticed numerous comments to Open Pages as a "last resort" sort of deal, like "we won't take you, but apply at Open Pages... they take everyone". Just seemed really tacky and in poor taste IMHO. Kind of made me wonder about the whole deal of making friends on the NET that you've never met. Does the same go for enemies?

Are there people who actually sit at home thinking about how much they hate that bitch that runs webring XYZ, etc? Maybe I'm just getting bitchy since I've yet to sleep. Been thinking lots bout my past, mostly cause I wanna update my "history" page... and to do so means attempting to put my life in some sort of chronological order. My memories are random, sporadic, and unpredictable so my subconscious seems to be working overtime trying to make sense of it.

Maybe I'll just kill the History Page and stick to the journal.

Oh yeah, 'another bitch about this kid's page... made a comment where he talked about wanting a "sex-themed" day at school, where everyone could dress up as pimps, hookers, and  gay men. HMMPH!! Guess I missed the gay man costume at my local shop. Must have been hidden behind the people who like to eat cereal costume. Or was it the people who have allergies costume? God knows I can never tell, all those people who eat cereal and have allergies look so much alike.

Speaking of hookers, I got to remember to phone my friend Denise up. She left me a message the other day. Sounds like she left her fiancée and moved back to the city. Denise is amazing she had two degrees and her pilots license, but yet she continued to work as an escort instead of conforming to her education. I think it was that upper middle class upbringing that messed her up. Parents pay for everything just as long as she stays in school. The whole family is kind of whapped out, but she's a ton of fun.

She had gone up north to work, you know the deal... escort swings into town and holes up in a hotel room for two months and then gets sent onto the next town. And while she was up there she met this guy, a puter geek of all things, and decided to get married, have babies, and bake sugar cookies. Guess it didn't work out as well as she thot it would. I met him once and he seemed pretty uptight about who knew she used to be a hooker and who didn't. Which is strange since on their first date he paid, and no I don't mean for dinner.

Thats really too bad. Some people can be in the game for years and leave relatively unscathed while others get eaten alive. She'd been raped a few times and once had a group of guys sodomize her with a wine bottle. She's never gotten over it and I fear that if she's unemployed she'll go back to work. She thinks she can handle it  but   I know it would kill her emotionally.

The freakiest thing I ever saw while in her company was the time that we were taking her dog out for a walk and her mom comes running up yelling at us to slow down and wait. She was waving this little baggie and looked right demonic. Soooooo.... she catches up to us and gives Denise this bag that contained three boxes of condoms, the big boxes too. Denise just sort of smiles, says "thanks ma", and then continues on her walk. Really creeped me out.

Which reminds me... I was fifteen when my mom started putting condoms in my Xmas stocking. She still does to this day, but needless to say only I get them. My brother is WAY more of a slut but I guess if he catches AIDS thats OK. He's a recovering junkie actually, so right now everyone ('cept for me) is kissing his ass, and ensuring that he feels "safe". WHATEVER... you can't see it but I just made a W with my fingers by forming L's with my thumb and forefinger and then placing the tips of the thumbs together. He was an abusive self centered prick before he was addicted and he'll continue to be one long after.

I've considered not going home for that reason at Xmas time. I could go to the bar and watch people get pissed. The price of a cab is less expensive than what it'll cost in time and energy to get home. I worry too about my own sobriety if I go home, and I find that watching them all misbehaving makes me highly intolerant and nasty. I never drank at home so no one believes I'm an alcoholic, not sure I've ever even mentioned it to be honest. For some reason I was the great white hope of the family. The stable one. Voted most likely to successfully not be a fuckup, or at least never to get caught.

I tend to think it was because of my IQ and aptitude. I got tested alot as a teenager and juvenile, mostly cause I was in so much trouble all the time. He's such a nice kid and so smart they'd coo. Then I started to get suspended, etc... mostly cause I was such a rotten kid, but partially cause I was addicted to Another World in the sixth grade. The summer I went into grade six I discovered LSD and soap operas, never at the same time mind you. I worked hard at getting the week off when Cecile and that crazy hillbilly were trying so desperately to drive that girl insane, you must remember her she was so sweet that I figured she would smell like peaches in real life. ONE SHORT NOTE: I just found out where I recognize Ellen DeGeneres' girlfriend Anne Heche from.... she played Vicky / Marlee on Another World. You know the good twin / bad twin dilemma.

When I was a kid I used to pray that my real family would come and get me... was convinced that I was adopted and that I had a twin named Jack. We would go to Disneyland and eat ice cream. Pretty cheezy huh?

Nov 27 9:52pm

I was unable to sleep till eary this morn. Tossed and turned and had horrible nightmares. Now I've got a splitting headache, my whole body is sore, and I just feel overall *icky*. Phoned in sick and turned down three separate invites to go out. I think this week has just hit me full force and knocked me on my ass.

I was a bad boy and spent the whole day fighting with different stuff on the NET, no wonder I feel so ill. I was so mindless I entered my URL wrong three times in a row to an automatic search engine... and when I went to look there they were, all listed back to back.... "onlienjourna." "onlineejournal" and "onlenejournal". DOH!!!! Got refused a couple cause I had "questionable" keywords entered. They asked me to send Email to have it reviewed.... if its rejected cause I entered "gay" as a keyword then I can't be bothered to go back and resubmit. And so many were adamant that personal pages be accompanied by location and street addresses... yah, OK?

Just spent about ten minutes rereading that last paragraph. I must be totally zoned out. But yet I feel I need to write something down, but I've no idea what I want to say, just that there's definitely something that needs to be said. Maybe if I could find the right words I'd be able to sleep tonight, my body wouldn't hurt, and I'd not dream.

Met a good friend for chat and was really testy with her. Everytime she typed that moronic looking LOLOLO I had this visual of her with her head tossed back, eyes glazed over, and this maniacal laugh erupting from her. I never type LOL. Sometimes I view chat rooms as "instant friends" just add LOL. Its bizarre in that I would never go into a room full of strangers and just start asking such personal questions as people will in a chat room. Its just a liberty I would never feel was mine to take. Its been my experience that most people don't show alot of discernment while on chat, they will talk to just anybody. But I guess that's the idea of it, instant friends just add LOL.

One last note: damn, I forgot it already.

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