MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Nov 26 4:03am
Everything with the boss resolved "sorta". We've just gone back to pretending we tolerate each other in other words. And yet once again I can't sleep and snuck out once he fell asleep.
Squirreled away the most part of my day, was kinda nice actually. Tried real hard to keep my mind off of work, etc. B/F called me this afternoon in a panic and needed me to go to his work and try and figure out some graphics program that he needed to use for a huge presentation he's doing. If he gets this contract it'll be a huge boost for his company, so I dragged myself over there and was met by 3 people who were just in a panic over what to do. I felt kind of stupid actually since these people work on 'puters most all day and were turning to me like I was some sorta computer geek. Employee number one had tried to explain it over the phone and I wasn't quite sure what she wanted to do, so by the time I got there I had myself convinced that I'd be unable to figure it out and then they'd all wonder why they'd anticipated my arrival so eagerly.
But alas, I'm a puter geek after all. Wasn't that difficult actually, so sometime this week I'm supposed to go in and give the basic rundown to the above three stated lay-a-bouts. B/F and I stayed there until 1030 finishing up most of this project and then went home to order pizza and watch a movie. I stayed up to read, since I knew I wouldn't sleep, and he fell asleep with his head on my lower abdomen. God I'm such a sucker for that. *G* At one point I was sorta stroking his hair above his ear and he stirred, leaned over and kissed my fingertips, not even sure he woke up.
Actually was kinda fond of the program we worked on this afternoon, maybe I'll see if I can find out WAREZ I might find a copy of it on the net. Or maybe not, got enough programs on my puter that I never use. Still trying to make sense of that Bryce 2, sure I can create the pics... would just like to actually be able to decide how its gonna look before I start making it.
I wonder if anyone besides myself has actually read this journal yet? Seems strange in that I somehow thought I'd feel conscious while writing this that others would eventually read it, yet I haven't much thot bout it. I read Justin Clouse's journal last night for the first time. I'd avoided it for so long for reasons I'm not sure of. Maybe because I'd read articles on it and didn't like the pretentious style that the reporter had written in, and so I tarred the poor guy in the same shade of black. I actually enjoyed it, even sent him an email... not something I tend to do. And of course I felt stupid after I'd mailed it.
A friend of mine, actually ex online lover... has copied alot of Justin's style and ideas, and even has identical phrases, and sub headings on his web page. Down to the little faces that pepper Justin's journal. I feel kinda shitty in that once I saw that I lost some admiration for him (the ex that is, not Mr. Clouse). I'd always loved his mind, imagination, style, wit, and originality... and now I'm wondering how much of that was "borrowed" as well.
Nah, maybe I'm just feeling somewhat bruised over the fact that he's shut me out since I ended what we had. It killed me to do it, but it was time to focus on RL and not live in cyber. *sigh* Now I've down it... I'm feeling kinda moony for him now. He was a sweet guy and someone I wish I coulda known in RL. I can't expect him to want to stay in touch but it hurts just the same. I tell myself he's just hurting, hell I know he is. But at the same time there's only so much I can do to bring his friendship back, I know if I pursued it long enough we could reach a happy medium point. But after thinking long and hard I decided that it was just too much time to invest, time I don't have right now. God I hope he's OK, and call me selfish... but I would like to think that he still thinks about me.
NOTE TO SELF: create a "list of characters for journal", so that u don't keep referring to your lover as B/F.
Nov 26 11:58pm
Well another day gone... rushed in for my meeting this morn to find out that we were having a kissy / feely "get to know your coworkers and have fun meeting instead". I was annoyed to say the least, I had a million other things to do. So I grabbed my plate of complimentary snacks and nacho dip (yeah, they had nacho dip... go figure) and sat next to the window and started reading A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry. The point at which the group started to mill my way saw me grabbing my complimentary second of two allowed canned colas and heading out for a smoke.
Some lunatic followed me out and kept telling me how much she disliked cigarettes but had wanted to "network" with me for awhile now, whatever that means. I welcomed her to join me, like I had a choice at this point. She's really kinda sweet though, she looks like McKenzie Philips... complete with terribly hip seventies retro wear.
First thing outta her mouth once we were alone was "do u like the internet?". And before I could respond she started to expound on how her boyfriend was having an online affair and did I think she should be concerned. Needless to say I never had to offer any advice as she convinced herself of my responses before I could even articulate any. She thanked me for my time, I nodded a humble reply, and POOF she was gone, but not before swearing me to secrecy. I believe she convinced herself that my advice was to just ride it out and not worry about some slag who was no doubt a fat loser (or why would this woman steal a man off the internet). I was so glad to have assisted her verbal masturbation.
I then crashed an open house two floors beneath us, and then realized why we had nacho dip.... AKA all the good food was being served elsewhere. Eventually made my way back upstairs, grabbed my briefcase and went home. As I was walking to the elevator I overheard Ms. Seventies Retro Wear in the Coffee Room telling a group of people about the above stated affair, but of course she was being far more dramatic due to the larger and obviously more responsive audience. Made me think of the Quote... "the more affectation... the less merit".
Came home and read a few more online journals, mostly ones by teenage girls... found one of a girl who lives in my hometown. Really enjoyed the perspective on such things as current events etc from her viewpoint.
Made me think of a study (or some other propaganda) on a woman that studied young women's journals through history... basically her analogy was that girls used to worry about their personal merits (good deeds, moral fiber, etc) and now all journals are clogged with "my nose is too big" and other "body awareness" observations, etc. Initially I thought she would go somewhere on her observations of culture, society and family enforcing the wrong impressions. But basically her final thought seemed to be that young girls were shallow. Thats funny since all the journals I've read by young women have been clogged with comments like "damned HTML tags, etc". Go figure, maybe she's just been reading the wrong journals??
Had a great talk with "Greg" the B/F and a shitty one with "Dan" the ex... pffffffshsht. Its time to go to bed. Gonna grab myself an armful of cats and hit the sack. Maybe I'll surf the chatrooms for a bit, ya' never know I could find that film student that I met last week... she was almost funny enough to be a fag.