MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Nov 25, 2:45am
God..... its almost three am and here I am for the fourth nite in a row, wide awake and feeling thoroughly panicked and anxiety ridden. God I feel so mental when this happens. I could be just dead tired and then as soon as my head hits the pillow I shoot awake. Or I'll drift off and then the slightest noise and I wake up in a state of sheer panic. My shrink, or exshrink as the case is, once said that survivors of sexual assault often live in a state of post war trauma, especially if the assaults were night attacks over a prolonged period.
I know that work is triggering these feelings, but I'm at a loss as to how to deal with them. My direct supervisor is going out of her way to undermine me at every turn. Tonight I find out that a staff that she hired to work under me (without my permission) has been forbidden to talk to me. Instead she is to go through my boss with ANY and ALL concerns. She hasn't started work yet and so its been hell trying to organize when she's to start, when's the best time for orientation, and what her upcoming availability is. I can't even do my December schedule till I know when she's available. I know I have to go in and have it out with her tomorrow but I don't even know where to begin with her. As I told my boyfriend tonight... "not only is she stupid and ugly, she's mean to boot... not a nice combination in a supervisor". Too hell with it, maybe I'll just go over her head and file a complaint, it'll be just the sorta thing that would get me in major shit but hell with it, I'm to the point that I'm about ready to lose my mind trying to deal with her. Its past the point of even being a fixable relationship so I'm not even looking at this productively anymore. I'll shut up about her for now, just thinking about her makes me seethe.
My evening was as I expected... Dinner, Movie and Sex *G*. But hey I'm not complaining. I just hate that I get so restless and then I have to sneak outta the house once he falls asleep. He seems to understand, but I know its not something I'd enjoy. THAT... of course being to wake up and find out my lover has snuck out the last four nights in a row once I fell asleep. But I just can't get my mind to slow down, I'll empty it finally about work and then I'll start to think about what happened to me during childhood. I sometimes wonder if the specific abuses I can recall at this time are directly related to whatever skills I'm lacking in dealing with the current problem. That make sense? Its like if this or that hadn't happened in the manner it did during childhood, or had occurred in a healthy manner... would I then have the necessary skills to deal with whatever is happening in my day to day life now? Oh fuck if I know.
I almost told my lover about my childhood tonight. I was so anxious and unable to calm down after this phone call with my boss. I knew I was being irrational and it mustn't have been fun for him. I'm sure it gets damned tedious for him. He was good though' just listened to me bitch and would tell me "just relax and let it go". How do you tell someone that you'd love to "just let it go" but because your mother used to pull out handfuls of your hair when you were a child and your stepfather used to rape you with kitchen objects that its not easy to "just let it go". Sometimes it seems so far away from me and other times it feels like it happened last night. Its just hard knowing that it still affects me to this day, I hate being this weak.
Nov 25 5:18am
Now I really must be bored if I'm updating so soon. Mind's still reeling. I finally read a few online journals to get a feel of how people go about setting up their navigation. Some are really quite amazing, but most seem to have personal pages attached so that adds to the content. My personal page definitely needs some work too, maybe I'll get around to updating it tonight since I'm just over two hours away from my first meeting of the day and still no sleep. Its been so long since I've had such a severe lack of sleep I'd forgotten how it felt to sit here long after the local stations stop broadcasting and everyone u know is asleep. I could go online to chat, but I could tell you exactly how the transcript would look without even logging on... it would read as follows.
Rocketboy <insert any stupid handle here>: Hello
James: How ya' doing'?
Rocketboy:How call yourself in here?
Rocketboy:I China in.
James: OOOOOOOOOOH, you're in China...
Rocketboy: How call you?
James: My name is... ummmmmm, James.
GalaxyChick: Hi James how old are you? I'm a 17 female, I'm really pretty and I like sports? Do you like the Spice Girls?
James: I'm old enough to know that the age is irrelevant, that I don't like sports, and that the Spice Girls Suck. Oh yeah, I'm gay too... just in case you were going into previously unnavigated waters by telling us about how pretty you are.
GalaxyChick: You mean you're a fag? Thats gross. You could get help you know.
James: *shaking head in disbelief*
GalaxyChick: Shouldn't you be in a Gay Room?
James: sorry never noticed the sign on the wall stating this room was for breeders only
Rocketboy: You don't talk with me James? What I do wrong?
James: nothing RB, just deciding whether or not I wanna slit GC's throat or allow her the benefit of the doubt cause she's young and although she should know better... she's still ignorant.
Rocketboy: who's RB?
GalaxyChick: Oh are u P*ssed with me cause I called you a fag... well you are one. So why would you be upset?
James: Could care less what you call me... I'm still reeling over the fact you like the Spice Girls... you could get help you know?
GalaxyChick: SPICE GIRLS RULE!!!!
James: AURGH!!!!!!!! KILL ME NOW.
**** James has left the chat room****
Nov 25 much later in day...
My BOSS:Lets see how to describe her... well, she's new to my agency (about 8mos) and definitely has ALOT of baggage. I'm thinking I can give her enough rope that she'll totally screw up and hang herself. Seems to have huge self-importance issues, consistently makes attempts to validate her own job and existence. Just want to sit her down and say "honey, you're expendable". Seems to be trying REALLY hard to make her mark on the jobsite, but of course she's one of those people who does it by causing crisis and then being the one that gets to fix above stated dilemma. Kinda reminds me of nurses that poison babies.... same sort of mentality.
I totally screwed up... I actually phoned her this morning and left a message while I was still choked about her behavior. So of course it wasn't as professional as it should be. Think I covered for it well though. But hell the days not over yet, she can still stick me before the day is out. But as far as messages go, I'm usually so professional... but once I started to explain my expectations, etc on her voice mail I found my voice was cracking, etc. So instead of listening to it and thinking "WOW this guy is really upset", she views it as "DON'T you accuse me, I don't appreciate those sorts of messages on my machine at work". But yet, I've sat her down and told her how I would appreciate the same courtesy on my machine as its a personal machine and therefore my B/F, houseguests, and family have access to it. So yeah, this is definitely an ongoing struggle... but hey I figure its about twenty to one for bad message status. Just don't know why I didn't just leave it alone for the time being. Still have to phone in and check on the whole work thing, it could smooth out nicely or I may have to throw on my coat and head in yet tonight.
... god I hope not. Its my boyfriend's night off tonight and tomorrow. And I'd much rather be at his house than going into work to orientate someone who by this point through inferred information thinks I'm totally insane. Usually someone has to know me for at least a week to figure I'm nuts. I know this is such a NOTHING issue, but yet it just seems that lately its just one NOTHING issue after another with this woman.
I wonder how much a professional gunman costs??? *kidding* :P