My Journal Entries...



May 8 4:33am

And to think that I thought last night was gonna be such an uneventful easy going night...

After the nude vacuuming I settled in for a night of work, etc. Instead what I got was a bunch of stress and bullshit. In the end I threw a pity party for myself and exploited that whole "woe as me" mentality for all its worth. I'm not good at many things, but self-pity is definitely one of my stronger points and when I'm hot... whoa baby, I'm hot.

It started out with me getting my wires crossed with Jason on ICQ, we have a tendency of doing that. All I wanted was to meet up with him, and he decides instead to be distant and vague and *in his mind* flirtatious. I ended up just saying "fuck it I'm out of here". This pissed him off and he went offline. Damn. Damn. Damn. He's gonna be without net access soon, and since I've had so little time lately, this may have been one of our last chances to see each other. So that started me on the "bad head space". Then, for whatever self abusive reason, I decide to phone Dan. We'd been talking the night before and he'd insinuated something that had made me furious. He'd said that I should phone an ex-friend of ours, now friend again of his. If you remember this is the woman that I had to deal with not so long ago and I was all distressed about how I would react to her after what we'd been through.

Apparently she's moving to Halifax and he suggested that I send her a card "wishing her the best". Yeah, I know... "my what a lovely thought". But the deal is this, we'd been friends for 8 years, and then one day without any reason she stopped talking to me. She never explained to me why, she never responded back to my attempts to understand, mend, or rationalize what had "occurred" between us. I spent a year of my life feeling incredibly hurt, upset, and confused. I wrote her letters and laid all my feeling, shortcomings, and emotions out for her. She never responded.

She replaced me with two people who I knew hated me and that I also hated... so no loss there. But it was a pretty pointed social move on her part. She went out of her way to ensure that I knew how fabulous her life was without me, how she would only move upward, how I had held her back, how I had kept her fat, how I had ruined her life, and how she wanted nothing that would remind her of me in her life. I've never been so hurt by a friend in my whole life. I cried in front of her. I begged her to let me at least understand. I got no response or I got a smug smile that said "you mean nothing to me." For the record I never kept her fat, ruined her life or any of the rest of it.

Now... my life has moved forward. Her life hasn't. I have friends that have proven loyalties. She doesn't. I'm happy with where I am. She isn't. I have no regrets about the relationship. She does.

I try and get Dan to explain to me, just why in the hell I would want to do anything for her besides firebomb her car and he starts to talk to me about "being the bigger man". He then proceeds to tell me how her and him were discussing my character flaws and my shortcomings, yet of course he won't elaborate. First of all I have two rules in this life. Number One: Don't ask me to suck your dick if you aren't gonna suck mine. Number Two: Don't start a story or insinuate something you aren't willing to finish. I start to get really fucking angry and really upset. He insinuates that she has regrets about her life and the choices she made, in particular how she treated me. I respond that she should have regrets and that I think she's a fucking bitch and I hope she dies fat and lonely, and that I don't "wish her all the best". I rant that I owe her nothing and if anyone should be writing anyone a card... it really should be the other way around. I forgot just how hurt she'd made me, but he insists on bringing it all up to the surface. Sometimes I really hate him.

Eventually it all comes out, at no point and time has she insinuated that she has regrets about me in particular, but rather her life choices in general. She has informed everyone around her to never tell me about anything that occurs in her life, as she thinks I'm terribly concerned for whatever reason. She has never shown any concern over how she treated me, or made any attempt to find out what I may have gone through as a result of her treatment. By this point I'm furious. Furious that he would bring it up, furious that he would take her side, furious that he would suggest I rectify it, and furious that he would for one second take such a stance. He tells me that he knows she's lonely and regrets her decisions... of course she hasn't mentioned me specifically, and that if I was "the bigger man" that might mean alot to her. HELLO... FUCK HER!!! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK OFF AND STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

I spent the rest of my evening seething over this unnecessary intrusion of someone that I worked damn hard at removing from my life. I don't want her in my life, I don't wish her well, I don't give a shit if she drops dead tomorrow... I really don't. I was content in not knowing about her, not knowing where she is emotionally, physically, or even geographically. Fuck man, move the bitch to the moon for all I care. What happened between us still hurts, I let myself be hurt and she knew that. She exploited that vulnerability and used it to make me feel as small and unimportant as she could. For that I'll never forgive her. Forgetting is the best I can hope for... but thanks for reminding me.

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