My Journal Entries...



May 4 5:17pm

***awww, come on out kids... give us a kiss.***

Me: to my cats when I came home tonight and found them under the bed.

All I really wanna do is bitch about how tired I am right now, but I'm fighting the urge to sleep... I mean bitch.

I had one of those work days that I had to run from one end of town to the other and was on the go the whole time. Add that to my usual three hours of sleep and you get an idea of how I feel.

Since I got home I've been fighting with a new page that I'm making, but so far I SUCK. I did manage to meet up with a friend on AIM though, so that was good. We're going for coffee tomorrow as I owe her. She was the one person that helped me move to the new apartment, and I've yet to really repay her. She's having major problems in her marriage and I know she'll have lots of dish on that. She did say in an ICQ that her husband turns down more blowjobs in a month than most people get in a year. She's too much. She's one of those people that in RL she's pretty laid-back and "almost" could pass for sweet. But you get her online and she's an absolute maniac to say the VERY least. I mentioned her ages ago, she's possibly leaving her husband  for a man she met online. More on that tomorrow, I promise. She called me a cum-guzzler... I swear I give my friends WAY too many liberties.

It will be nice to see her though. She's sweet with a decidedly sharp edge. I love that in anyone. Sweet will get you flowers, but sharp will get you a seat on the bus. Don't ask what my reasoning is behind that last line, as I have NO idea what its supposed to mean.

Greg and I have an "evening" planned with friends, so I'm supposed to be showering my sweaty ol' self right now. I wanna go out, but at the same time I'd rather stay home and work on this project. I figure that's why I can't get proficient in anything... I never have the times to just sit and work. Too many obligations and too much distraction. For the most part I've started turning off my ICQ and AIM when I do have definite things I need to accomplish as otherwise I'm all over the place. I'm a fabulous starter but highly prone to distractions as such.

Speaking of doing stuff with my boyfriend... if he doesn't take my sorry ass out for a game of pool tomorrow, he's gonna find himself single. He may hate routine, but I covet it. I need that energy release of slamming them balls around that table, I'll die I swear. Can you hear me fading off into the distance like a bad sound edit in an HBO after school special?

**Need tunes... hold on.**

Much better... less white noise = less time to perseverate on just why in the hell I perseverate in the first place.

I really want to tell my mom (adoptive) about my journal, as I feel she's the one person in my RL that could really appreciate it. Not as a "what a great thing you have here" but rather as someone that knows me intimately enough to fully comprehend why I do this and what I hoped to accomplish in the first place. I do think that I have, for the most part, accomplished what I wanted to.

In many ways I've given a voice to alot of my insecurities and doubts. As well I feel I've exorcised MOST of my demons. I know that sounds simplistic, but I don't feel that at the moment I have many inner conflicts. I'll always have some, but most of them have been left between the paragraph tags of this journal (was gonna say "between the pages" but then remembered what 'puter geeks most of you are - so I went with the HTML translated version). I guess that's why I toy with the idea of going "public" with this. Starting over and just keeping a journal of my daily musings VS my past conflicts. But then again I realize that all of my past assumes responsibility for my present. So to leave that out would be a lie to anyone who reads this. It would be the age old argument of "I think that's Chartreuse but I'm not entirely sure".

Not that I feel its necessary reading, but at the same time I feel it would be a polished version of who I am, and where I've been. And baby I've been places that you'll only read about on bathroom walls. Trust me there. If you're nice I promise to not tell you about all of it.

A friend told me recently about a video article she saw on Jann Arden recently and how Jann talked candidly about her twenties and what a fuck up she was. Her promiscuity, drinking, and poor choices in general. In a way that made me let alot of my "past" actions go. And again I know that sounds simplistic, but I figure in many ways, that you can't judge someone by who they did then, but rather who they are now. Make sense? Don't worry it doesn't have to, as its about as simplistic an observation as "ever notice that the sky looks almost blue?"

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