My Journal Entries...



May 27

"...move it along, there's nothing to see here."

Where to start...? Yes, I'm ending "this" journal, for the time being. Why?... I'm not really sure to be honest. I just feel like I need to do some spring cleaning in many ways. I've left so much pain and so many things that I'd been incapable of looking at prior between these pages that I don't want to be hauling a dead book around in my knapsack anymore. Wanna buy a new one and start scribbling and doodling fresh.

I'm no longer comfortable with alot of  what I've written here as it feels like an old shirt that doesn't fit. You know the kind... tight in the armpits, and shows off a navel that should NEVER be exposed. Everytime you reach for something you have to tug it down and cover yourself as it continuously rides up. You spend the larger part of your day focusing on just how awkward you feel, and it detracts from the rest of your day. But of course you don't notice this till you get to work and have to endure an entire day of wanting to be as indescript as possible. But naturally that's the day you get in and realize that you're facilitating the staff meeting. Sucks, don't it?

That's how I feel.

I spent the last three days telling myself that I would start it again in a few weeks, and I spent equal amounts of time telling myself that I wouldn't. That this medium had piqued for me. Well it hasn't. I may or may not stop writing but life continues to happen for me. And I know my weaknesses well enough to know that I will continue to write, and bitch, and offend. Its my nature.

Right now I'm tired, overworked and to be honest coming down from a hugely emotional couple of days. I guess my entry on the 25th, which at the time of my writing it, didn't seem like a huge deal (to me at least) has resulted in so much hostile mail that I'm quite taken aback. Sure you don't write me or make yourself known if I say something you agree with, but if you're pissed... well then do let me stop my life to address you. Actually I've only addressed those that I felt sent me intelligent mail and respected what I said. Those people that actually read it, and then went back and reread it without emotional flares going off. Seems that people read up to a point and then once they hit "keywords" they no longer here what you are saying. That's most unfortunate. My mom always tell me that when people start to address politics, race, sexuality, religion, or abortion... that's the point that she just smiles and nods. People don't want to hear or listen to differing opinions, and any conversation around those issues is just rote conversation and more often than not results in someone getting hurt feelings, or worse irreparable opinions of those that do not agree. I will not disclaim anything I wrote there, but will quote what Candace said to me in a private mail (a very intelligent and thoughtful mail I might add) "it may not be the idea so much as the terminology you used that offends"... since I'm too lazy to open my mail up... I'm quoting that as best I can from memory.

After I read Rachel's entry the following day I was quite concerned that she viewed it as being in direct reference to her and Rodion... it wasn't. I respect them both so highly that I would never take such a brash liberty when it comes to people I admire. This was probably the first time that I visited journal pages with hesitation and truly felt vulnerable about what may or may not have been written about me specifically. *fingers crossed* As I said initially to me it was just another entry... my rambling based on what influences and exposures I had received on that day. But for the record that is what I enjoy about Rachel's journal (well one of the many things that is) is that she does explore race. But anyway, I'm quitting (literally) while I'm ahead. Except I will say one thing in closing this issue. If I feel I've merely "pissed" someone off I can walk away, but if I feel I may have inadvertently hurt someone then I can't. Otherwise I wouldn't have even gone back to this issue. Ok, next topic...

I don't know when I'll start uploading again. But I do need a break from this forum. I've also withdrawn from the MASSF and am in the process of evaluating my role there and some decisions I need to make. My shifts normalize the start of next week, at which time I'm hoping to take a week or so off and go on holidays. Maybe a few days at the hostel, trampling around the mountains is in order. I may even jump a plane and go dip my toes in the ocean. I feel incredibly detached, burned out, and empty. I want to go home and have my mom give me a fingertip scalp massage and sit in my old room and thumb through my old Lewis Carroll books and see people from my past. People that I have good memories of, people that just accept me and know me intimately. People whose expectations of me are based on our shared past and not what the future holds.

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