My Journal Entries...



May 25

I'm thinking that if I sit here long enough the kettle will boil dry on its own, thus removing the responsibility of having to get up and make coffee. That's my basic reason for not updating the last few days... one more thing I just didn't have the time for. And when you spend up to 14hours in front of the computer in one sitting you really have nothing valid with which to expel.

***Fuck it, I need coffee... BRB***

Ok, I got the coffee yet it's not working for me yet. Give it a minute and it'll all make sense I'm sure. What in the world did that mean? I don't know...

I actually just started to kinda laugh right now, creepy huh? I had thought I'd just be bursting with things to say once I sat down to start writing, but I'm pulling a total blank. It was this sort "gotta write in my journal" going on in this manic voice in my head and now... NADA. Nuttin'. Zilch. Zero.

OOOOH, Exodus wants to meet me in my chat room.... yet I'm still waiting for the thing to load. I'm really getting annoyed with the net this morning. I can't read any journals on GeoShitties Sites, nor can I update my own GeoNotSoPretty Site, and now this stupid parachat room won't connect... GRRRRRRRRRR. Anyone sick of those little pop up windows on Geocities? Just add <noscript> after your final HTML on the page. Works like a charm it does... but you didn't hear it from me. Not sure if it works on tripod, but we'll soon find out won't we...

I gave Greg the slip this weekend again, as I just had too much work to do, told him I was taking a week off from him, so that I can get all my work finished. He didn't seem to mind as he knows that I'm making him two websites right now, also finished one for a friend last night that lives in Toronto. Add that to my insane amount of paperwork, personal mails, my own homepage that I just majorly rehauled, and the fact that I did finally start working over this one and you get an idea why my brain has been reduced to mush.

I did stop over and see Greg for a coffee yesterday, and all that accomplished was me sitting around with a sense of sexual frustration for the rest of the day. Not to mention having a "you know what" for the rest of the day as well...

I'm just gonna start yakking and go from there... and since nothing has happened in my own life, I'm gonna refer mostly to other people's journals and observations initially, as well as Email etc. This is because, as I said earlier, NOTHING has happened to me... so instead of merely stealing bandwidth, I'm now plagiarizing my friends as well.

Rachel talked about her race and what limitations etc it placed upon her in regards to how she interacted with various friends, etc and what people in turn expect of her as a black woman. She's touched on this before, so it is obviously a reoccurring experience. That got me to thinking about how people always say "I don't notice race"... which is complete bullshit or you wouldn't say I don't notice race. The absolute first thing I notice when I meet someone is what color their skin is. This makes me a racist, as I'm conscious of skin color. There isn't a person alive who isn't racist... its an impossibility in my mind, and yes that goes for ALL races.

I'm the first one to ask someone "what are you?" and when they say I'm a Canadian or I'm an American... I usually roll my eyes and tell them to get a grip. I mean what are you? What's your heritage? Where did your family come from... cause honey unless you are a native Indian you ain't from North America (ok, so I'm not REALLY familiar with America, but except for Inuit and Indians everyone else is an immigrant to Canada). I want to know those things, to me its important. Not important as in that it will define someone, but rather I love hearing about people's heritage, I love looking at someone and trying to figure out just what their racial mix is.

Both my parents are adopted so I don't know my heritage. I've been told I look everything from Slavic, Italian, Native, and English. But I say "I'm English and Scottish as I know that my birth mother's parents claim that as their heritage. Yet I also tell people I have native blood and Slavic blood "supposedly" as that is what people tell me that most often that I look to have those traits. I'd like to have a richer heritage than I do. I'm always envious when someone tells me that they have African, Indian, Spanish, English blood.

I have a female friend that tells me she doesn't see race, yet she only dates African men. We argue this point all the time and she vehemently denies EVER defining people based on race. She's a liar and a racist in my opinion. Not that racism is necessarily always bad. Its merely defining by race. I know she merely responds to a society that has taught her what the "pat" answers are and she'll hold those beliefs till she dies. Not a problem. But wouldn't she be happier to just be honest about what she loves about that race, vs. denying that she sees it at all.

But for myself... when I date someone who isn't white, or basically looks just like me or whiter, I find those things incredibly sexy. I love dark skin. I love ice blue eyes. I love the way one man's skin will feel differently under my fingers than another's. If I run my fingers in your hair I'm conscious of its texture. When my head is on your chest I notice how your skin smells unique compared to other races. I will tell people outright what I like about their race and their looks.

I will question people incessantly about those differences. What indiosycrisities are displayed in  Latino culture and what defines an American Hispanic from a Castillian Spanish. I want to know the cultural differences from growing up in Trinidad VS Kenya. How do Japanese people interact and what do they really think of Chinese and Vietnamese, and vice versa.

I've mentioned before that I have, what I consider a sociologist's nature, I love dynamics. I love exploring them and questioning them. I don't need to define them, but I'm always watching how people interact.

I really began to notice this when I first came out at 15. How my gay friends interacted with each other and how they interacted with their straight friends. How we felt a certain solidarity and pride and NEEDED to be with other proud gay people to help define who we were. To affirm that what and who we were wasn't immoral, ugly or wrong. The gay community is always accusing each other of "internalized homophobia", but I think that there are so many other reasons to detest someone than you fear them based on that (or on race for that mater). Am I digging a deep enough hole yet? NO? Ok, I'll continue...

The gay community learns early (as I'm sure do all races) that we are clearly defined by society based on external attitudes, introspection, and biases. And to make a long story short... THAT SUCKS. I'd rather be celebrated and coveted for my diversity rather than pigeon holed and contained. Rachel mentioned "being the token black friend" or at least feeling like it. I've been introduced as "this is James... my gay friend". Talk about feeling like an exhibit. Then you get to endure the brilliant comments such as "well you people are like that" or when straight people insist on attempting "inside gay jokes"... its like, "what the hell just happened there?" I could write miles about the difference and animosity that exists even between lesbians and gay men, but that would be a book onto itself.

So many people in the gay community are really upfront about who they date. For E.G.: I know men that ONLY date black men, Hispanics, native Indians, Orientals, etc. That always fascinated me. I used to think it was fetishist behavior as I know I would probably turn away from someone if I was of the race that they mentioned never dating outside of. Yet, now I tend to accept it more as being an honest and upfront way of communicating just what it is you find sexy and desirable. I could be wrong.

In a way though I find being gay has afforded me way more opportunity to meet people of different ethnicity's from my own. Most people voluntarily segregate themselves, and how I was raised I never came into contact with people other than white people. It was never intentional mind you, but it was there. I had my first conversation with a black man when I was 15. And my first true friendship with a black woman when I was 21. Once I got out into the gay community there was so much mixing of the races and what I saw as celebration of what was beautiful and desirable in each person. You couldn't have a "gay black bar" or a "gay Hispanic bar" as there just aren't enough of us. :)

I'm not a totally accepting person though. I have cultures that I have less understanding and tolerance for, but I still try and understand and educate myself about the belief systems that dictate the situations I can't accept. Yet I'm smart enough to know that it's cultural and not race. I try not to define the person based on that, but rather on their individual merit (cliche alert). Its more of an abstract thing such as "I could NEVER live in Iran" yet I don't dislike Iranians. Make sense?

I'm not even really sure where this ramble has ended up... so I"m ending it now, as my brain is slowly returning to its mush like state of incoherence. Except to close by stating that I'm lucky to have known so many brilliant people in my life that welcomed me and taught about their culture, their past, and their treatment of me was based on their own inherent sense of dignity and who I was VS, what I am. If you start asking people about where they came from and who they are, you are afforded a window that previously may not have existed.

For the record the race differences within Canada and the US are like night and day. Things I don't notice when I'm here shock me by their clear definition when I'm there. I fear people and situations there that I'm not conscious of here. And as they say fear is based in ignorance... I won't argue that.

PS: I feel I should define that nothing I wrote was in direct reference to anything Rachel has written, it was just the catalyst that got me thinking.

PPS: If this annoyed anyone, I totally understand, as I know how patronizing I find straight people who insist on telling me their opinions of gays. But that's "straight" culture... it affords you those liberties :P (and yeah that was lame attempt at humor).

PPPS: This may be my last journal entry of this journal. I'm not sure if I'll have an archive when and if I reopen it. Nothing is defined at this point... I'm having many misgivings about this site and will be doing some soul searching over the next few days while I try and figure out what I need from this and what I expect. Ambiguous enough for you....? Or depending on how I feel, nothing may change.

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