My Journal Entries...



May 19 6:18pm

I'm a freak... I stayed up all night, slept all day. And took ALOT of naps. Yep, I do believe I'm entering my first official depression of the spring. I feel tired, listless, and unmotivated. I haven't had an "actual" depression in a couple of years, of course they say its chemical but I'm not buying that. Hell, like I know what causes it. I'm not like REALLY depressed yet, I'm at the in between stage of just wanting to stay in bed and not talk to anyone. We'll see how it goes. But for what its worth, I'm one of those people that can be depressed to the "nth" degree and not be really obvious about it. People just think I'm being "introspective and quiet". Only big problem is that I drink alot when I'm depressed. So this will be the test to see if I can stay sober while I deal with this.

As you know I drink relatively consistently. Couple of beers a week sorta deal. But yes, I am an alcoholic. Before you start to argue with me about what makes an alcoholic and complete abstinence being necessary... DON'T. I spent alot of years as a fall down drunk and a drug addict so I'm really not up to defending the fact that I can drink and not  lose control. But time will tell and I'll see how this goes. And for the record... even though I still drink and have gotten pissed I consider myself three years sober. Yep, that's me.. making up my own rules as the game progresses. I look at why I used to drink and then compare it to the reasons that I continue to drink and the don't even have a similar hue. So when we  play my game, we play by my rules.

Rereading that I realize that it sounds almost hostile... hmmm, maybe I have more issues than I'd like to believe I do. Oh well. Or as my friend in Quebec says "big dick, big deal." Not sure if it relates or not, but I love that expression, best used when someone is bragging about something inconsequential to the rest of your life. Its actually from a porno we watched when we were about 13 or so. The rest of the line was as follows.. "Big dick, big deal. My boyfriend's got a ten inch cock and he's the biggest meanest gangster in all of Chicago." And get this... it was delivered by that platinum porn siren of the seventies herself. Yep, Seka... now don't pretend you don't know who she is. Blinking doe eyes on your behalf will be met with rolled eyes on my part.

One of these days, I'll actually get around to uploading all these entries, this almost feels like a personal diary. EGAD, who wants that? Noah told me once that "the Truman Show" reminded him of me. I can see what he meant.

OK, James shut up now. Got yourself a man thats waiting to take you out for sushi and then home for sex. Git yourself moving...

If my mood had a physical presence right now, it would look alot like Homer Simpson.

PS: Congrats Rayne and Elizabeth. So young and so much promise. *clutching at chest and sighing overly dramatically* :)

PPS: Exodus... I hear that cats loved to be named James. :P

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