My Journal Entries...



May 18

So after raving about what a fabulous b/f I have, I totally blew him off last night.

Well it wasn't him I blew off, it was my whole life in general that I was on the lam from. I just didn't wanna see anyone, or do anything. I stayed in my room while my roomie was home and then left to go for a walk once she got back. I'd phoned Greg earlier and told him that I was having a bad mental health day and wasn't up seeing him, but that I'd call him later and maybe stop over for pizza (we had leftovers).

Once Daria came home I left to get something to eat, she informed me later that he'd phoned from a few blocks away as he'd decided to just bring me food afterall. Probably within five minutes of my walking out the door. So sweet, so I had to phone him once I got home and tell him what a bad boyfriend I was. I felt kinda shitty in that I'd been gone for almost three hours and hadn't called him before I left. Once I got home it was pretty late as well, so it was too late to see him.

When I left the house I only intended to go to the corner store, but ended up walking and not being able to stop. I just needed the air, the distance, and the solitude I guess. After about 14 blocks I found myself at my favorite Vietnamese restaurant and decided to have a meal, buy a paper, etc. Went for another long walk following and just sat in the park watching some kids play and forcing myself to not think about anything. Enjoying a triple tall espresso and some Belgium chocolate I'd picked up. Had the headphones on... Nina Simone of course. This visual could only be more complete if I told you what kind of underwear I had on.

But I don't know, I need that. I need my solitude. I need to observe and not spend so much time participating. To remove myself and just be a voyeur.

I'm an earthy person and sometimes I just feel like I'm choking. Everything just overwhelms me. I need to take my shoes off and walk barefoot in the grass without fear of stepping on needles and syringes. To sit on a bench and see flowers, not condom wrappers. To close my eyes and feel the wind on my cheeks, too me that is the closest to god I'll ever be. And to be honest its as close as I wanna be.

Sitting alone in the park watching a mother with her three young children I started to cry, not a big heaving sobbing wailing thing mind you. But an emotionless one. Just tears with no real intent. I often think of these as tears of mourning and acceptance. They aren't for anything in particular but rather for everything that happens to everyone. The good stuff, the bad stuff... just excess emotion that leaks out. It may sound odd in that I love when that happens. Its like walking in the rain, cleansing and purifying.

Walking home I felt good. Not great but better. Good enough to stop at Dan's house on the way back. I sometimes do feel I need to be a friend to him, like I owe him something, just haven't discerned exactly what it is yet. But anyways my commune with god ended abruptly, as I switched my attention promptly to his new DVD and WOW oh WOW. I want one and bad. But I own art so I have no money for DVD's, DOH.

I need to be rich, then I can walk barefoot, but still come home and watch The Fifth Element in Widescreen. :)

PS: I'm still REALLY, REALLY horny.

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