My Journal Entries...



May 15th

FINALLY!!!... RAIN. :)

I love nice weather but I REALLY love rain.

I know I had lots to discuss earlier this morning, but now I'm completely pulling a blank. One of the drawbacks of having a consistent inner dialogue it seems. Or is that a psychotic inner voice? I tend to talk my "issues" through before I ever even get to the computer. I guess that's a good thing, but it makes for tedious drama.

Seems that Daria and I have been home alot lately at the same times, so guess what... I've actually been talking to above stated roommate. Wouldn't say I feel closer to her by any means, but at the same time it does feel a little less detached. When I came home last night she was sitting watching some tacky thing on MuchMusic with a friend. My first view was of the Spice Girls and that my friends was enough for me. Later when I came out for coffee refills it was Marilyn Manson <GAG>. Once again, dare I say you can't attest for some people's tastes.

  Sooooooo, Frank Sinatra died. Fuck man, its about damn time. I said that in a chat room last night to several aghast chatters. I in turn asked them if they owned any of Frank's recordings. Surprise, none of them did. Well I own seven so if anyone can slag Frank its me. I love Frank, but he is... oooops, I mean was old. I don't lament when people die, its a natural progression. I've mourned for people but I've never wished them back or hung onto them in that way. Too me its spiritually. Not that the chat room pinheads are that deep..... noooooooo. They're just jumping on the "oh woe, a legend is dead" bandwagon. That is something I have even less respect for, shades of Lady Diana come to mind. At least show your impartialability instead of a fake reticent. Do it your way.

Jason and I met up last night, and he gave me his new address for when he moves. Great now I gotta buy a housewarming present. *sigh* I know I say it all the time, but he's just too much. Cute, smart, funny, and sweet all in one package. If I was single and he lived in my city there's no saying what could develop. He's gonna make someone a fine husband.

*** ok, now for deeper thoughts***

I've been feeling and wondering how relevant my input is to the MASSF these days, beyond just as an administrator. Which incidentally is pretty minimal. I wonder when I comment on people's issues etc if its making a difference, I don't really feel that it is as of late. I sometimes feel that I'm in such a different space that either I can't relate to most of them or the other way around. Not that I don't understand what everyone is going through or empathize, but I'm not sure that I should be commenting on threads as "I WENT through a similar thing at one time". Its like I'm always talking from the past and never the present. I think that I must appear patronizing and distant, not that I ever feel patronizing (just for the record). I don't know I just have concerns about it.

Most of the regulars post about recent revelations and things that they are currently dealing with. Whenever I have an issue I write about it here and never feel a "need" to post it publicly. Meaning that I don't require feedback. Maybe that's my own coping mechanism, I've never been much to discuss such things with friends etc. I don't know, I just feel like I'm this person who sits on the sidelines commenting but whose input is pretty much non-relevant and inconsequential for the most part. I know what I feel inside, but trying to articulate it isn't proving to be a successful effort. Maybe I don't feel that I'm contributing in whole. This thought is going nowhere I'm letting it go now.

***some drivel***

My mom has been visiting my cam page every morning... now that is kinda fun. How many mom's could even bear such a thought let alone actually visit it consistently. She's too cool.

I need to do something tonight to snap out of this sort of "haze" I'm in. I think I'll go and see the Apostle, that might work.

***some online stuff***

Greg: Don't worry it wasn't intrusive or any such thing. I just suck at Email. I hate giving a response when I don't feel I can give it my full attention. I know that's a horrible thing as soon a week passes and then I wonder if a late response is in poorer taste at that point. Sometimes I get personal mail and I wonder if someone is just telling me something or does want a response back. I have problems with reading "tones" I admit. Am I making any sense?

Rayne: You aren't the first person to be seduced by MP3's :)

Exodus: When the hell are you gonna update yer journal... huh, huh, huh? I need drama baby like only you can provide.

Noah: I have a few scans for you once I get my ass in gear and do them, unfortunately my list of things to scan is much like my "inbox"... overflowing. And for the record buddy, I miss you.

Karen: I find using higher bills to tip the "dancer" will prove most effective. Or at least infer that "there's plenty more where that came from." :)

Me_7: Hiking in the rain, eh?

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