My Journal Entries...



May 11 4:00pm

*** A world without string, is chaos.***


Hmmmm, dare I say I'm feeling "smug", although smug is not the word for it. I'm feeling like I knew a secret that was a secret still. Of course those of you (most of you) that read this journal also read a collection of about 5 or 6 other journals.... ummm, cause most of ya write em. But without spelling it out too much I'm feeling "smug" cause I knew what they knew before they said anything. Yep, she disclosed it today in her journal and I did the whole "AHA!!! I knew that already", yep I actually exclaimed that sitting in front of my computer all by myself with my cats as my witness. Dare I say I knew who it was way back (couple of weeks ago or so) when it was alluded to in the first journal entry. Not that that does anything except make me feel like I'm super clever and observant. But it did get me to thinking.

Its funny in how wrapped up I can get in other's journals and their lives without having ever met them. Some of whom I don't even really have an active Email relationship with. Its like when....

Me_7 did her entries on family. I was mad at her father for making her feel less than adequate and could empathize with the whole idea of how do you rationalize your feelings for someone once they become frail and almost laughable when you spent a large part of your life resenting them... but suddenly you can see their vulnerability. The mixed emotions over having a family member who is "less than whole" and the struggle to make others treat them as whole so as to truly give them the skills they will need to survive in the "real world" VS in essence crippling them emotionally and leaving their emotional development arrested. The strong relationship and total commitment to a spouse that is unfortunately the exception and not the rule nowadays, that I find most admirable.

Shel's life at school, crush on the gorgeous neighbor, troubles with roommates and quest for a man that will actually treat a woman with respect and dignity. The day to day toils of being a student and how that impacts your life, it takes me back and makes me in sooooo many ways glad I'm past that point in my life. (I hated college... ick, ick, ick) Her new directions, decisions, and past experiences all fascinate me. Some mentioned in the journal and some discussed privately.

Rodion's struggle to maintain and integrate the unknown. The daily struggles with emotions you didn't know you had, and the need to stay in one place when you know full well what life is like once you've seen a side of life that most people have never seen. I've seen it as well so I know how some of us can view the "average" person and how it makes us more critical of the daily life that we feel is unchallenged and unexamined. A cynicism I feel that is borne of necessity. (cynicism good not cynicism bad).

Exodus' third and final. Never going back. I often feel my friend wants to say more but sometimes holds back. This could just be my interpretation... hey, it is my interpretation. But I sometimes wonder when I read the shorter entries of his life if he purposefully leaves stuff out or did he just not have anything to say on that day. Is it vulnerability, self-protection, or none of my fucking business?

Liz's humor, observations, and way of interacting with her world. The unconventional childhood that seems to have prepared her in so many ways for a successful life. I wonder if she cherishes her childhood and realizes how fascinating it is for those of us that never felt for our parents and never truly felt loved or respected as children. I love reading about her experiences and saying to myself "so that's how it was supposed to be... good times, bad times, but it works."

Rachel's struggles with her parents as she separates herself from them, despite their attempts to still exert some control over an adult daughter. Her exploration of what she wants to do and her need to be true to herself even if for the time being it will make her, and her alone happy. Knowing and having faith in family. Knowing they will come around and that this is just temporary (ooops, I think I'm inferring now).

I think about many other people's journals and the events in their lives as I can watch them unfold from the safety of my bedroom. I think about friends who I Email, but have never met. I think about them once I turn my computer off, as well as when I have it on. Sitting here, alone with my observations, critiques, and criticisms of the lives of others. People who tell me that the net lacks the "human touch" and the personal nature of face to face communication... I always argue with them. Maybe that's why I get so angry when I read things that people write about "how to maintain journals" or "what makes for good journal reading"... honesty and vulnerability is what I find seductive. I used to tell Noah that when I turn off my computer I turn off the thoughts of others, that I'm somehow capable of not thinking about how situations online will be resolved... I realized this week that that isn't the case.

Hoping I didn't step on anyone's toes, it was not my attempt.

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