MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Mar 6 1:30pm
Sooooo, I'm having one of my many moments. This moment consists of an unexpected day off, and just what to do with it, so as I feel productive once I lay my head down tonight. Can you believe that thus far I've been sleeping semi-regular hours since I'm adjusting somewhat to Daria's sleep patterns. Not bad, eh?
So far on my list of things to do are: a)organize my taxes. b)buy computer stuff. c)spend the seven hundred dollars burning a hole in my pocket. d)do computer stuff AKA webring, new webpage, etc. e)exploit my long distance carrier and update everyone on my new life status. f)get groceries and a new mop. Just seems that my life is way too exciting for just one man doesn't it?
So far things I've actually done today are as follows: a)played with my cats. b)had coffee with Daria c)listened to CD's d)cleaned my apartment e)talked on the phone. So far the track record isn't great is it?
Figure I'll head out once I update here and then maybe if your REALLY lucky... I'll update as to what I bought on my sojourn into the real world. But I'm definitely gonna do the whole Real Player SouthPark thing, just so that I can possibly dish or gush about it later depending on how it sits with me.
I've been really avoiding coming online lately. I'm feeling rather disillusioned with my puter and with my whole life online as well. Not sure why, but last night I was sitting online with both ICQ and AOHell's IM open. I could see several of my friends around but yet I just couldn't bring myself to message any of them, its like I was waiting for them to get hold of me, and when they didn't I became kinda depressed feeling. Pretty stupid I know. I probably could've found them all in a chat room without too much trouble, but yet the point was that I wanted to be invited. Does this make sense, beyond just making me sound needy and neurotic? I doubt it. Maybe it was that I wanted Jason to get hold of me, instead of having to hunt him down. I knew he was online, but he was on "hide" on ICQ. Also I've been at a loss as to what to do in the mornings once I check all my usual first things, my mail, the MASSF, and then my stats. Once that's taken care of and I update I usually just turn it off and don't even go near the puter for the rest of the day. Why am I even thinking about this? Maybe its that now that I have another person in my space, perhaps I lack the need for all the initial contact that used to draw me online in the first place. Who knows. Did I touch on this yesterday? I think I may have actually. Ok, nuff of this nonsense.
An online friend actually mentioned in a mail today that he's an abuse survivor, which was something I didn't know previously. But then again how would I know that. Same with someone else that reads my journal, a female, mentioned this briefly once but never brought it up again. Makes me wonder if these people have no issues around their pasts, or they just choose not to dwell on it. Guess its something that I'd never bring up as its such a personal thing to discuss. I can go years where I don't give it much thought, and at other times its sitting on the tip of my grey matter like an ugly plastic blue visor from the seventies. Oh nice analogy James. But yet I hope that anyone who does read my journal knows that they can turn to me for resources or just a friendly ear if they ever do need to vent about it. I don't think I judge in regards to how people chose to cope. Sometimes I don't agree but I think I can keep those things to myself, or at least I hope I do.
I haven't seen Noah in what feels like ages, I hope I run into him soon as I'm feeling like I want to talk. Last time, or was it the second last time we talked we had a total moment. This consistented of a general talk around poetry and evolved to a discussion of Emily Dickinson. I was just about to tell him about my favorite and only memorized Emily Dickinson poem when he typed almost verbatim what I was gonna type. So I said "go ahead" and don't you know he typed the IDENTICAL poem that I was gonna send him. Its my fav poem of hers and the one that I plan on having placed on my tombstones when the inevitable comes. When he started to type it I literally had shivers up and down my spine, especially when he become typing, again, comments that verbatim mirrored my own. This is the poem...
I Died for Beauty...
I died for beauty but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb
When one that died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.
He questioned softly why I failed?
"For beauty," I replied.
"And I for truth, - the two are one;
We brethren are," he said.
And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.
Although that's my fav Dickinson, I'm also quite partial to "I've Seen A Dying Eye...", that's another one I love. But "I Died for Beauty..." always gives me chills. When I read it it feels like an exquisite scent or taste that you can lean back, close your eyes, and savor.
Hmmmmmm, what else? I dug out my copy of Mansfield Park last night and figure I'll start reading it tonight, it was that or some true crime book. I figure I need Miss Austen's view of society now more than I need to be confronted by the ugliness of human nature. Austen points out her fair share of people's ugliness, but more in terms of the weaknesses and cruelties we are all capable of. Thus its more our shortcomings as a society, that I can deal with. She was such a brilliant novelist and observationalist.
Speaking of society's shortcomings. I'm so pleased the Dionne's FINALLY got their settlement of four million dollars from the Ontario Government. I loved that they didn't feel any need to thank the government for it, but rather said "its only fair". That is easily one of Canada's top ten shames in history to date. But they knew they could only postpone retribution for so long, especially when the issue involved, women, ill health, and senior citizens. The only thing more shameful than the exploitation they received was the government's attempt to bully them in the present. Instead of righting wrongs they chose to perpetuate the abuses against these women. Tsk, tsk, tsk.