My Journal Entries...



Mar 28

So I spent my day organizing my life. You know, doing all those things that build up and you figure you'll never find the time to accomplish them. I'm surprised actually at how much I've been getting done. But then again that's usual I guess when you have a few weeks when you accomplish nothing,due to dark moods and foul temperament that manifests itself as a total and complete lack of motivation.

I'm stressed a little about some things and people I have to deal with tomorrow. It's like one of those deals where, I "have" to deal with a friend that I'd rather not see, almost as much as she'd rather not see me. That part is just a given. Yet at the same time we're removed enough from each other as is that we don't even have animosity towards each other. More of a quiet disinterest.

This person was one of my best friends for many years, one that I confided everything too. Looking back I realize I confided too much to her. In many ways I miss her, but when I look logically at the situation I realize that we are both better off. I know my life has taken a severe quality upsurge since our departures from each other's existence.

I have many regrets and if nothing else wish I could turn back the clock, not to alter how the relationship changed, but rather to alter how I dealt with it. I know I lost my dignity a few times through actions, and other's interference. Sometimes I imagine writing her a letter and just confessing my fuck ups and shortcomings. Yet I hate making myself vulnerable in regards to her, or anyone else for that matter. I imagine how I would feel getting a letter like that from her, and figure she would react similarly. Therefore, I've chosen not to write anything like that. Once I deal with this "thing" at hand, for all intents and purposes, we'll have no reason to communicate again. Unless something drastic ever pushed us back together, but I can't imagine that ever happening.

I've put all my expectations behind me, and know that I no longer ever desire her companionship,but definitely not in a "fuck you" sorta way. But rather the view of there is nothing left to salvage and I've made peace with it sorta way. Its sounds stupid, but that was a huge hurdle for me. I agonized for a long time over our distance, felt betrayed, victimized, etc. I don't do change well. This experience I definitely think changed me for the better, I believe for the most part I lack that needy insecurity I used to have, and don't EVER make my worth dependent upon any one person's acceptance of me. I like that about myself, its definitely a strength.

I've never been one to bow to popular opinion or peer influence. But yet I could easily be crushed by someone whom I'd given that control to. I don't give that control anymore, to anyone. I might be influenced to examine my actions more carefully if someone I respect shows concern over my actions, but that's (I think) a good thing. I've become more introspective and perhaps more considerate of those in my life, and no longer burden them with intimacies that I feel may not be appropriate. Again that's something I like about myself and something I feel was a trait I lacked even a few years ago. I've always been a loyal friend, yet not always the most considerate friend. Could it be that I learned the golden rule just a few years shy of my thirtieth birthday? Go figure.


On a lighter note. I watched "a simple wish" with Mara Wilson, Martin Short, Kathleen Turner, and Amanda Plummer. It def won't ever win any awards, but if you have a kid in your life its worth letting them have a peek. A few sweet moments, although its def a "formula" film.


I'm off to Greg's tonight. He's out right now with his Ex at the movies. I'll just hang out with Shandra and her new beau till he gets back I guess. Can you believe the shit went and saw Primary Colors without me? I'm not much for American politic flicks but I'm def a Emma Thompson, John Travolta, and Kathy Bates fan, so it has enough to warrant a watching. Also thinking about seeing "As Good As it Gets" again, that was a damn fine film to see the very least.

So Shandra's having sex you ask? Yeppers, she sure is. But of course she hooked up with someone from her English class that speaks her native tongue. I did think she had her heart set on a nice English boy, but she definitely proved me wrong. Did I also mention that she's extended her stay past the end of summer now? I know... *GROAN*. Well she's not so bad, I just deal with her. But I would like to have Greg to myself, and have him in his own place. bitch. bitch. bitch. Ok, nuff bitching for the time being.

Greg's done one painting from his new series, and has just started the second one. He's such an amazing artist IMHO. Half of the whole is in how he represents his subjects. Truly fascinating... but I am a "teensy" bit biased to say the least. He's been quite sweet lately, telling me how he misses waking up next to me. Talking about "when we're old", and making references to things years in the future. I know I say it all the time, but I need those comments to make sure that its not just me that believes with work this can definite be a lifelong relationship.

I guess that insecurity comes from the fact that its so much easier for gay men to end a relationship. We grow up knowing that we'll never marry, hence no great attempts at "marriage counseling" when things start to go sour, or any binding contract that acknowledges your relationship in the eyes of society. That legality issues in regards to property, etc don't exist, and any attempt to convince a court that palimony is relevant... pffffffffshsht!!!

I know gay couples who've been together for years that still don't have joint chequing... its like "what's mine is mine, and what's mine will stay mine" everything is so clearly defined for the eventual breakup of the relationship. Its so disheartening. And of course families never step in, in an attempt to help the couple work through their differences. That is something I've rarely... oops, make that "never" seen. So in essence all you have to go on is your faith in your partner, and Greg's the one man that I've felt this much faith with. At present I don't feel he would abandon me if things went bad. We've even discussed the "whatifs". What if I was paralyzed, what if you went bankrupt, what if I couldn't work, and whatif you got REALLY REALLY fat. So far he's been giving all the right answers, so I'm taking him at face value... and such a cute face it is.

Today's tirade has come officially to an end...

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