My Journal Entries...



Mar 25 11:57 pm

Fuck what a night, I swear. I had a total fit last night and am sitting here feeling a bit embarrassed, but not really. Ever notice that I pretty much disclaim everything I say and do? Yep, I hate decisions and concrete opinions, or do I?

Well I talked to Noah for something like two and a half hours last night in real-time. I've been thinking about him ever since. But I guess REALLY thinking about him. Not in that I'm thinking of him non-stop in a stalker sort of way, but rather our conversation has made him more real if that makes sense. I was feeling so fucked up, that I just needed a good cry and he got the unfortunate duty to listen to me. Actually I'm not sure how loud I cry as I've stated before I can laugh and cry simultaneously. Creepy, Eh?

We talked about everything from trivial silly stuff, to like MAJOR life stuff that's occurred to him and what I was going through last nite. I'm really quite in awe of his life in many regards now. He's always had my respect, but yet discussing issues in real-time allowed us some interchange while exploring those issues, and thus clarifications and feedback that weren't present prior were made abundantly clear during our discourse (yes I do read Henry James so I don't consider that sentence to be too long). I could elaborate, etc, but I'm leaving it as I fell asleep with a smile on my face and can still feel the effects of his time last nite. I just really was needing a friend, for the first time in a long time, and I'm glad that he was there for me. Ok, I'm moving on now....

The rest of my day has pretty much been inconsequential. Yep, I continued to be depressed as I moved through my day. But yet for no good reason. Greg came over this morning and we searched for info on Lloyd Cole's new album, and tour dates for KMFDM. We went out for coffee, ate dinosaur cookies, and he was just as sweet as he could be. Yet when he left me at the stop where I wait for my bus, I just felt myself go empty again. A couple of times people tried to strike up conversations with me and I didn't even respond. I hardly even remembering getting to work. I knew I was drifting in a bad way so I forced myself to do somethings that needed doing.

I estimated and priced out how much my car is worth and have made an offer of sale to my brother. He seems like he's gonna take it and I REALLY hope he does. He's def getting the better deal to say the least. Now I have to go out to my ex-friend's house and pick it up, and clean it up. Someday I'll talk about that dysfunctional experience and friendship. It's a journal unto itself. But I'm feeling good about that... webcam, printer, scanner, Paris... here I come. My way of saying I have all the money spent.

I talked to my friend that was living in Vietnam tonight, but is currently back in Vancouver studying, fashion, art, textile, and design. We had for the first time a true adult conversation. His life seems to be taking on a whole new bend, I'm really quite pleased for him. He filled me in on the gossip. An ex-friend / fuck buddy of mine has AIDS and is moving back to the city (mine) where we all partied and hung out together. We hate each other now. Another friend leaves for Hong Kong end of next month to finish up her Corporate Law Studies. Another guy we know has cast above stated friend in a short film about HIV and suicide. He's happy in that he gets to use his own costuming so he's wearing nothing but fetish wear in the film. He's a total freak, I swear. But need I say... good freak, not bad freak? I'm actually surprised that the filmmaker is even still alive. Last I'd heard he was a porn star, HIV positive, and was on Heroin. Its amazing how some people can still, despite other crutches, pursue goals, art, etc. I couldn't do it, but I'm in awe of those that can. One last note... Daria was short listed awhile back for a large scale film in Hollywood as the lead role and they've tracked her down. She'll phone them tomorrow. *sigh* I'm really not up to finding another roommate so soon. Even if I could get the status of saying to people.. "oh yeah... so and so from such and such a film was my roommate".

I don't know at what point my malaise passed, but I think it just may be on its way out for now...

PS: Kudos on your new journal. One entry made me tear up as I could thoroughly empathize. You know which one I'm sure, and you know who you are. Big Hug :)

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