Mar 24 (afternoon sometime)
So I decided to update. Been sitting around for two days now, feeling sorry for myself. I don't get depressed often, but when I do its nasty. But yet I'm for all those looking in, fine. It's inside that I feel empty and distracted. I just lose all my motivation, I don't return phone calls, and I accomplish nothing. Too look at me you'd think I was doing OK, but inside I'm just a mess. Whatever...
I survived yet another year of Juno's and Oscars. I purposefully avoided the Oscars as I couldn't bear to see Titanic sweeping, as everyone knew they would. Daria came home and gave me the rundown. I'm pleased that Helen Hunt won, that was nice. Excellent movie and an excellent performance. And go Sarah at the Junos. A friend of mine on chat kept referring to the Junos as the "Canadian Grammies", I thought I was gonna tear him in half. They aren't the fucking Grammies... they are the fucking Junos. I do think that if Sarah hadn't done so well at the Grammies though, then she wouldn't have cleaned up at the Junos. YA HOO, Van Bran 3000 won for best alternative group. Congrats to Van Bran Three Grand. Greg was ecstatic that Our Lady Peace won so much, but I was kinda impartial there. And Leahy as best new group. *ROLLINGonFLOORgagging*
Greg was stuck at work till almost midnight last night, which was a good thing. As I just wasn't up to making some excuse as why I couldn't see him. "Sorry hon, I'm gonna stay home and stare blankly at my computer and not do anything" just doesn't cut it. Tonight we're off to the usual place to do the usual stuff, AKA billiards.
Jason and I have had some really great talks as of late, I told him about how I feel about him and that on many levels I still love him. We also talked about Greg which is a first since we broke up. I really do hope that him and I stay friends for.... is forever too long a presumption? I'm curious as to whether or not our relationship will alter once we meet in RL. I've been there and it has happened in the past for me. Oh yeah, we were up to no good the other night. Spent it learning how to crash chat room servers. Not that I'll ever use this knowledge but it was nice to know. I'm a bad one for using that knowledge to "kill" people on chat that are abusive, etc. I don't have much shame crashing someone that logs into a gay chat room only to insult and abuse people. You do that and you're just begging to have your computer shut down. I also found out that the tactics we use can totally freeze up a Mac if the user is on one. Not that that's really relevant, but whatever. So Mac users... BE NICE TO FAGS.
Haven't talked to Noah since I got back, but I have talked to Exodus a couple of times. Did a few mails... blah blah blah. Oh yeah, congrats to Jack he came in third place in the kitty competition. Bet he's been sleeping in that crown and making sure Nancy sews him a sash. Speaking of which... I learned that a certain Heineken (sp?) swilling canuck has been holding out on me. She knows who she is... a certain URL that would def be of interest. Subtlety has never been my strongpoint to say the least. I learned of this totally by happenstance btw. :)
I'm actually feeling a bit better now. Go figure, now I remember why I do this thing called journalling after all.
I've a ton of shit to do this week and I'm feeling overwhelmed to say the least. I'm bad for doing little if I have lots to do. Maybe some unconscious need to fail and prove my family right. Speaking of which, I've had an urge to write my birth mother a letter about how I'm absolving myself of all responsibilities for her actions. Her guilt or lack thereof is entirely her business. Or maybe I'll just write it out and mail it to myself. That's just sooooo New Age Healing though. I find New Age thought to be REALLY tedious, always reminds me of She's Out of Sync by Devo... "she out of sync she's a half step behind. Always outdoing what's already been done".
Daria has been pouring through my books lately, and after a month long stint in front of the TV has started reading. She's reading Franny and Zooey right now. Think I'll reread it once she's done. Also notice her flipping through a few books on the occult. Not reading but skimming. We were talking the other night and listing off all the things that our ideal mate would be. Her standards are thoroughly unattainable to say the least. Mine...? Well, the good news is... that Greg contains all those traits, yet is a bit lacking in one. But hey, them are damn good odds I think.
PS: I actually got a few responses to my stalker question... any more coming?
PPS: I've actually accomplished tons on my computer the last couple of days. Stuff that was previously beyond my skills, so I guess I'm feeling a teensy bit smug about that. The more I learn the less I have to rely on Dan... *smirk*