MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Mar 20th *this was written during my absence, just got around to updating it finally)
God, I'm such a teenager, or at least I feel like one right now. I'm sitting here with a spiral notebook in bed, naked and wet (I just had a bath), writing in a paper "diary" by the bedside light. I also have two cats vying for leisure space upon the above noted diary. Prior to journalling online I only ever made one attempt at chronicling. I was about 12 and kept a diary for one week. That was until I came home to find my biological mother standing at the front door tapping her feet and holding the journal. Secrets were NOT allowed in our house. So needless to say I got a prompt whooping and never journaled again.
Ok so now that visual is done with, I got tired of the cats and have moved to my computer and am now copying this into an Email that I will promptly mail to myself. And yeah I put a robe on as well. Nothing like naked journalling to really lose yer audience. If by chance you are naked right now, definitely mail me and let me know. :)
And yes, I got my computer back already. Too cool eh? And yes its FABULOUS and yes I have more memory, drives, programs, etc. I'm positively wet. Still gotta run around and reinstall tons of shit, and download even more. But c'est la vie (en Rose). Speaking of which... what did happen to Grace Jones, should you hear from her, DO TELL HER to send me an Email. She's apparently forgotten to invite me to her annual 21st Birthday Party... AGAIN. I'm gonna have to stalk someone else if she keeps this up. Maybe Pamela Lee Anderson? Nah, that WAY too unoriginal, gotta stalk someone that leaves the world scratching their heads and asking "Why?". I know, I'll stalk... damn I'm drawing a blank. How bout this... if you read this journal regularily, then send me the name of the person who you'd most likely stalk. Once I get enough I'll upload them as a separate entry... come on, it'll be fun. What's that you say? Fun is a relative term. Oh hush up and mail the damn name already, OK!!!
So this leads to my next thing, (or does it) I have net access etc already. But I'm not telling yet so shhhhhhhh. I'm gonna let Noah finish out the week and then I'll update these all as one entry. I actually mailed Exodus tonite and told him, as I knew he'd see my host on this stats tracker. Just had to make someone privy to my deceit. But I swore him to secrecy cause I don't want Noah conscious of the fact that I'm reading this till he lets his guard down. Then I'm jumping out and yelling "BOO!!!" as loud as I can. I feel kinda sneaky reading his entries already so I may just wait till Sunday night or Monday morning till I look again. I noticed that Rodion and Exodus mailed him already, thats way cool. Oh there I go, talking like a teenager again.
So a couple of "tres groovy" things happened today. First and foremost I got to play pool for five hours with Greg... if you could see me right now you'd see my bastardization of a gleeful child's handstand. Ok I lied, I'm making a blanket angel... kinda like a snow angel, cept on top of the bed and with, ummmmm... blankets. Ok I lied, I'm still just sitting here and typing but you can imagine I'm that whymsical, if you want... and yes I'd like to be imagined that way. :) Second really groovy thing was that I told Greg about my past. It kinda came up and went something like this.
Me: I gotta stop at Dan's and pick up my computer tonight. So if you wake up and I'm not here thats what I'm doing.
Greg: Oh yeah, guess you'll have time since you never sleep. *said with a slight snicker and this was around midnight as we were contemplating crawling into bed*
Me: Entirely not my fault that I can't sleep, I do have my reasons you know.
Greg: Oh? Do tell.
Me: Nah, its stupid and tedious you don't wanna hear about it.
Greg: Hon, thats what couples do, they tell each other stupid bedtime stories.
Me: I'd rather not.
Me: Ok, well I've mentioned my past right? Like when I was a kid and all. *when we'd watched Bastard out of Carolina I'd alluded that it was similar to my upbringing, cept I never mentioned that mine was worse*
Me: Well what I never told you was that my stepfather used to rape me from the time I was four years old till I was around nine years old. He'd come in my room around midnight to two am and do it after my mother was asleep, usually around three times a week or so. So whenever it hits that time, my body becomes hyperaware and I can't sleep. It's stupid and its not something I can control, its entirely psychological. When I wake up in the middle of the night, its because I have nighmares about it and then I'm awake for the night unfortuneately. For the most part I'm Ok, but on occasion it eats at me and I can't sleep.
Greg: I'm sorry that there's nothing I can do, but I'm glad you told me hon. You shouldn't keep that to yourself, you should tell me about it. I can't guess about this.
Me: I know it just seemed like a stupid thing to try and work into the conversation, you know?
Greg: I know. *he then leaned over and took my hand and pulled me against him. He held me for a few minutes and when it was obvious thats as much as I was gonna divulge, he very gently changed the subject and we started to dish the anchorwoman's clothes on TV.* Pretty groovy eh?
Yet one more groovy thing. I told him that there was something else I should tell him. And that was that I was hosting the Massf along with Noah. He looked at me all proud and said "thats a good thing". Have I mentioned before that he seldom gushes? It felt good to get that off my chest, even if he didn't ask many questions, but he seldom does. He tends to leave it up to people to divulge what they feel they need to and thats it. I love that about him. I even alluded to the fact that I was chronicling my story as well, but of course never ACTUALLY mentioned the journal. Man must have his deceptions, and since I'm not having an affair this diary will have to be it.
One last REALLY groovy thing. I was all nervous and a bit uptight about how he'd react to me sexually after telling him about the abuse. I find that the few men I told would treat me like I was all fragile afterwards, like I would snap emotionally or something. But our sex was amazing tonight. It was like he was passionate, gentle and loving all at the same time. It was most intense to say the least. I felt that he was "helping" me reclaim my body and my sexuality. Not that I didn't do that years ago. But I don't know, it just felt that he wanted to make sure I was in control and felt desirable. Guess what I'm saying is that I didn't have to do much work, to put it bluntly. He pampered me and ensured my pleasure. Not that he's a selfish lover at other times, but this was more body worship than I've ever seen from him. It was definitely an affected lovemaking, but affected in a good way. I love him so much. :)
Well I'm off to re-install AIM, ICQ, Yahoo Pager, Hotmail Notify, and other stupid shit.
PS: my friend from the Middle East is coming over for coffee tomorrow, perhaps he'll bring me Frankincense. I love him but he makes me crazy. I'll tell about it someday, honest I will.
PPS: The femme fatale never joined us for pool, as she went out last night and vomitted all over some other bar. The woman is just a nightmare, I swear.