Notice: James is currently without net access, and his friend, Noah, is currently acting as "guest journaller" to keep his journal going. Until James returns, feel free to write to Noah ( to vent your thoughts on his stint as guest-host...

Mar 11 - midnightish again

You're still following this? I didn't bore you away yet?! ;)

So I was going to start by saying something like, "It was a cold, rainy day outside -- the sort of day that would have been just perfect for spending the day with Matt, cuddled up together underneath a warm blanket sipping hot cocoa talking about tambourines and traffic-jams and thunderstorms and thimbles..." And it was a cold rainy day outside, and that still would have been the best way to spend the day...

...and then something really wonderful just had to happen to snap me out of my little funk. =)

Mary Carewe (of the previously-mentioned Adiemus) has her first solo CD coming out, and she herself sent me a copy, which just arrived today -- and need I tell you what ecstacies of delight this sent me into? =) I was bouncing off the walls. (Okay, I do that a lot -- I'm one of those hyperactive ADHD brats -- but that's beside the point...) When Adiemus became my fav. group, and I started their unofficial web site, I never imagined its members would even hear of me ... and now one of its members has sent me an autographed CD. (And okay, so this whole thing will mean nothing to almost anyone reading this, but hey, *I'm* the one writing the journal for now! ;) Pretend you're the world's biggest Beatles fan, and you just got a present from Paul McCartney -- for lack of a better analogy.) Quite honestly, it's one of the coolest, most awe-inspiring things that's ever happened to me, and I can't express my joy in adequate words ... but at least I'm able to document it here during my guest-journaller stint. =)

One of the nicest feelings in all the world is being miserable and then having something happen to you which causes you to completely forget for a while what it's like to *be* miserable...

Other random thoughts/rambles/notes:

Had a relatively productive day ... spent the afternoon writing, and working on a new illustration, which I'm rather proud of -- for the moment. I'll probably hate it in a week. (Relevant biographical tidbit: I'm a freelance illustrator, author, and webdesigner -- though 99.9% of the time, I write and draw not for anyone else's sake, but to converse with ghosts, dance with the wind, and exorcise demons.) I was planning to write a chapter this evening for The Midnight Room, my "dark and moody" novel-in-progress, but Mary's gift today made it a futile exercise to get back into the right "dark and moody" mindset.

I noticed that James added me to his "cast of characters" page before he left. Cool. =) It prompted me to reread some of his entries of the past month, particularly where I was mentioned ... it's an interesting psychological voyage, to contemplate yourself as a character in another person's life -- as though we are all living, breathing stage-plays with overlapping characters and plotlines. ("All the world's a stage...") It helps me to see life as a continuously-formed chain -- I'm here writing this entry on James' page because James and I became good friends; which wouldn't have happened if he'd never found the MASSF; which wouldn't have happened if I'd never -created- the MASSF, which wouldn't have happened if ... etc. You can single out many events in your life and trace them back, realizing they wouldn't have happened without a particular chain of events (arguably going all the way back to your first day on planet earth) to make it possible ... if not for a chain that started with what happened to me when I was ten (I'm sure you'll know what, if you've been to the MASSF by now), then among countless other things, and for various reasons, I would never have met Matt or James. Perhaps Voltaire was right: it's better to focus on "cultivating your garden" than struggling for "the best of all possible worlds" -- fate is going to have its way with you in the end, and though we are responsible for most of the everyday choices we make, no one can say what we will be doing twenty years from now as a result of what happens to us today. As much pain as the rape a dozen years ago has left with me throughout my life, without it -- without the path it turned me on to -- I wouldn't have many of the blessings I have now, or even have become many of the things I -like- about myself and who I am now ... and thus, perhaps in a somewhat twisted way, I can be -grateful- that it happened. Without it, I wouldn't know the people (including James) that mean so much to me now, and literally help keep me going -- and I would never have met my husband, the greatest blessing of all ... he alone would be worth going through that event again a thousand times.

The moral: Perhaps, just possibly, everything really does work out for the best in the end -- if you're able to see and appreciate what "the best" truly is. There, *that* should make up for yesterday's downbeat tone. =)

(P.S. again -- very warm thank-you's to Rodion and Exodus for their graciousness...)

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