MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Notice: James is currently without net access, and his friend, Noah, is currently acting as "guest journaller" to keep his journal going. Until James returns, feel free to write to Noah (firstname.lastname@example.org) to vent your thoughts on his stint as guest-host...
Hi there. =) I'm Noah Grey ... nice to meet the proverbial you. As explained in the notice above, James is on hiatus and has left it to me to continue his journal in "guest author" capacity while he's gone. If you want to bail out of following this journal for the duration, now's your chance... read on at your own risk.
A little preamble: Since this -is- a daily journal, and not a biography, I won't offer a bio of myself here, except to invite you to check out my website @ www.noahgrey.com if you want to see more about who I am and what I do (or if you're bored and need to kill a few million brain cells, or whatnot). =) I do want to add a somewhat cautious disclaimer, though: I have quite the opposite of an "active social life" outside the net, so don't expect much in the way of excitement in anything I fill the space with here. Also, "I've never done this sort of thing before" (sounds so... somethingorother, doesn't it?) so bear with me while my digital feet get used to this new and unfamiliar cyber-water.
And finally, of course I must thank James for trusting me with this little duty/experiment; I only hope that when he returns, he doesn't feel I've wrecked things too badly here... And with that out of the way, on with the show...
Tuesday, March 10 - midnightish
I've kept notes to myself this evening on a post-it note to remind me of various things to possibly remark upon here. (There's one tidbit about myself: I'm somewhat (somewhat?!) obsessive-compulsive. More tidbits to come...) So, in no particular order -- except the order I've written these down:
Paul's tape arrived yesterday -- he sent me a tape of hard-to-find Adiemus CD single tracks and remixes -- listening to it in the background right now. (Adiemus is practically my fav. group, and I happen to run their site, at the risk of appearing that I doth plug myself too much...) Still can't believe that he did that -- it was incredibly nice of him, one of the nicest things anyone has done for me in a long time. I am rarely so awed by something, as when someone -- friend or not -- extends to me a simple, unasked-for, unnecessary, heartfelt act (or heartfelt words) of kindness...
So Slate became a paid-subscription-only site yesterday ... *sigh*. A little bummed about that -- it was, along with Salon, one of my fav. online mags. But I'm not willing to pay the $20/year to further Bill Gates' greed, no matter -how- good it is/was ... I've bought enough Microsoft products to fulfill my end of that Faustian bargain already.
Finally ... thinking about a conversation I had earlier tonight with a very close friend, currently in the Southern US (not too far away from yours truly) to be with his love. It was pleasant enough -- we chat all too infrequently these days -- but, I must confess, a bit bittersweet. Although Matt (my husband) and I are now and forever united spiritually, we remain physically apart ... and I suppose this bit does deserve some quick background/explanation. We met online, about a year and a half ago; we fell very quickly in love, and have considered ourselves husbands, in spirit, almost ever since. (I'm in Texas, he's in Indiana.) For a thousand different reasons, we have yet to meet and be together in-the-flesh -- though like any real marriage, we've gone through a world of experiences together, our proverbial ups and downs -- and, like anyone truly, profoundly, spiritually in love and wedded to the one and only one other soul he -can- be wedded to, I love him -- and miss him -- more and more each day. I know the friend that I talked to last night understands this very well ... suffice to say, our situations have had their similarities, and I like to think we've reached a certain level where we can communicate some things without really speaking of them. On a purely selfish and raw/emotional level, it simply and deeply hurts to see or hear or feel -any- reminders that Matt and I are apart -- I try my best not to think about it, most of the time...
...though I crave to be next to him, to hold him, to see a laugh coming from his mouth or to share with him a sunset, or a soda, or a sonnet by Shakespeare. Often the craving, the grief, overcomes me and I have a small breakdown, out of the pure, naked feeling that to be apart from him is to continually be aware that the best part of me is missing, that half of my whole being has been ripped away from me ... and such a wave of feeling hit me after our chat ended last night ... but then I catch my breath, give Thomas (my teddy bear, and yes I sleep with a teddy bear) a tight squeeze, and just go on. I don't owe it to him -or- to myself to let myself become paralyzed by it.
Still ... I think it's healthy to have a good "ache session" once in a while -- to occasionally give in, just for a little while, to the pains that swim about in the depths of our hearts. I never want to let the hurt be the master of me -- but, in a strange way, I don't want to distance myself from it either. Perhaps because it'll make it all the sweeter when we finally -are- together. It's a *purifying* hurt, in a sense -- by allowing myself to occasionally give free rein to this one, great hurt, it absorbs all the lesser, petty, insignificant hurts that build up during the course of a normal day, and when I release the paramount hurt, I can also cast away the meaningless miseries ... and return again to love, the love I have for him that becomes larger, stronger, more real, and more profound, with every moment of the day.
*sigh again* ... sorry to start off with such a long-winded emotional ramble. (Another tidbit: I'm often long-winded ("no, really?!"), and I'm often emotional -- I hope this entry hasn't managed to lose James too many of his regular customers.) =) But, such is "where my mind is at" at the moment. Can't promise I'll be any more coherent or interesting in the days to come, but I'll (at the very least!) try to be a bit more upbeat.
(P.S. A cordial "Hello" and warm thank-you to Mr. Exodus ... just wanted to reassure you that I did get the ring submission, but webring's management system has been messed-up lately. will try to add you tomorrow, if it'll let me.)