MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Jan 25 3:58pm
***My name's NOT baby, its Ms. Jackson. Janet if yer nasty.***
The above quote is in honor of Ms. Janet herself, the queen of 80's pop. I'm not a fan, I just saw the video and loved when she talked over the music and gave that little pearl of wisdom. Nothing like bad pop to cheer someone up. Speaking of bad pop, the Spice Girl's Live in Istanbul concert is playing tomorrow night. NOTE TO SELF: disconnect cable and make plans to go out tomorrow night.
So I'm not feeling as petty as I was. I'm actually feeling relatively calm and relaxed. Just stopped home to change my clothes, feed the cats, and see if the landlord had fixed my taps. He hasn't incidentally. And then its off to Greg's for the night. We were supposed to be going out to see Phantoms this afternoon, but instead he rented some movies that I'd wanted to see. I was kinda pissy with him when he phoned me to tell me not to rush to the theatre to meet him and then expounded on the new plans. But then I felt shitty when I heard the hurt in his voice, guess he thought I'd be more excited than I was. Its just that my schedule for February has changed drastically and as a result we won't get many Sundays together till the beginning of March. Which basically means that he'll end up seeing this movie with Matinee Buddy and I'll end up seeing it sometime during the week at a matinee by myself. And I had really hoped it was something the two of us could see together. I get like that, I'm not good with change, and I tend to get my heart set on something I get nasty if my plans change. Guess I just like having that security of knowing what's happening, it amounts to having control. And that is something I hate giving up, especially at the last minute. I've dumped friends if I didn't think I could rely on them. Anyway...
Two apartments down the hall from me were broken into the other night. 4 in the afternoon and someone kicked in the doors, stole all the underwear and turned the clocks back half an hour. Creepy, huh? They didn't steal anything and even left cigarettes, alcohol, CDs, loose change, etc. The landlord told me this while he was rubbing his dick the other night, I just forgot about it till this morning when I came home and saw the woodchips in the hall from where the workmen fixed the locks. And I heard that they've been finding more junkies in the hallways as well. The locks on the front door are old and in this cold they tend to freeze, and therefore don't function properly.
More bad news on the rental front. I know of three more buildings like mine that have all been evicted to make way for renovations and "condo-ization". Seems ever slum lord in the city is wanting to cash in on the whole zero vacancy rate. Also the historic apartment building just behind my place burned down the other night. That leaves another 25 tenants homeless, this is gonna kill my chances of finding a place. I saw a vacancy sign in the window of a house that I've always loved, I have the number and will call them tonight. The only problem is that it's right in the middle of the "boy stroll". Not really sure I want headlights shining in my living room window night after night, as the fags drive around and around the stroll cruising each other. Although I do feel safer in an area that does have a "seedy" element, always have. I figure its the people that come into these neighborhoods looking for sex and drugs that are the ones in danger. I've always lived in or about this neighborhood, and I really don't wanna move too far out of it. Everything is local and what the hell, I already know the bus route. :)
Noah has started a thread on the importance or lack of spirituality in reference to people's ability to heal. I think this will be the sort of "branching off point" for the MASSF, it'll take us from primarily personal stories and everyone saying "be strong" to a more sort of abstract direction. I think that's good, because you do want to facilitate as much discussion as is possible. The message board is still so young and there doesn't appear to be any definite form to it yet, but that will come in time. Its nice to see the same people's name showing up again and again, it shows that the interest is there and that people care what other's have to say. Also you know that its a valuable resource and that there is a definite need and relevance for a site like this. Me saying there was no real "form" to it yet is definitely not a criticism. Just don't want anyone thinking that... DAMN, there I go again making myself aware I have an audience. =)
Got a mail from good ol' Exodus, he's still alive... did I mention how concerned I was getting about that boy? Now at least I know why he hasn't really had a chance to update and all. I was worried he'd thrown in the towel on his journal, not that it's any of my business really. I just enjoy his humor, ALOT. And god knows I need all the distractions I can get lately.
I still hate Bill Gates, The Spice Girls, and VISA. But I'm not gonna perseverate on them today. I can always do that tomorrow.
OH MY... before I forget. I got a message on my answering machine tonight from someone named "Tom" (not his real name) and it was as follows.... "Hey James, this is Tom. I hope you remember me, but we "got together" once about six months ago (AKA had sex about 6 months ago). And I was hoping you had some time free this evening so we could go out for coffee and talk (AKA I can come over and have sex with you). Phone me... insert Tom's number here. Oh yeah, only call me if you get this message before about two AM (AKA my wife is outta town till tomorrow). The scary part is I have no idea who this is, at least not with any certainty that is. But I THINK its this guy that I met at the gym once and brought home. If it's the same guy then he's drop dead gorgeous, married, and really closeted. He gets gay urges about once every 6 months and promised that he'd call me again. Claimed that he was really into me, blah, blah, blah.
Have I mentioned in the past that I'm a recovering sex addict? Actually I know I haven't, so this is just my not so subtle way of clearing the air on that issue. As by now you're probably thinking that I'm a total slut and all. I think what scares me the most is that I actually considered phoning him. I hate the fact that if I did meet him, I could easily have sex with him, and then just put it outta my memory within a couple of hours. I find sex to be so non-committal, and maybe that's a result of being abused and all, but at the same time it upsets me. Upsets me because I know that I shouldn't even entertain such notions as I do really love Greg. Yet my having sex with someone else honestly and truly would be no reflection on my level of commitment to him. It would damage it YES, if he ever found out. But after having Tom in my bed, I would not doubt nor question my relationship with Greg. Like I said this is definitely a compulsive behavior, and to be truthful not something I even thought of till I got that message. But I'm forcing myself to not phone him, and to ensure that if he does phone me that I don't follow-up on it.
I thought about him alot last night I'll admit that, but he is easily one of the most beautiful men I've ever been with. See how this works it's entirely physical, not even slightly emotional, but yet he was a sweet trick as well. So as it stands I'm forcing myself to think of Greg whenever I find my mind wandering to Tom, I'm hoping I can do a little quick fix behavior modification on myself.
Speaking of which the man that I do love is waiting for me... while I sit here typing about my one night stands and trying to justify myself in case I ever cheat on him, which I hope to god I never do. I think I would have to tell him then if I did, and I know he would leave me. That's how I'm getting over this hurdle and not making that phone call, by telling myself that although its something I could deal with... its not something he could. Damn its hard, or should I say grab a spine James?
PS: I updated James Lentz's journal addy...