Jan 22 12:04am

I got a fair bit accomplished today, not as much as I coulda, shoulda, woulda had I really applied myself, but the day definitely had its moments of productivity. Just sitting here waiting for the coffee to brew and trying to decide just what I wanna write about. This is actually a bit of a stretch for me, usually I don't update in the evenings till I've been home for awhile, read all my mail, and done the usual websurfing. But I just walked in the door and thought I'd get this outta the way before I buckle down and finish up some more paperwork, etc.

Not like updating this page feels like a responsibility or anything even close to a chore, I definitely do it for my own personal reasons / needs. But I do try to make it part of my routine, as when I don't update for a few days I do get mail about that. Not that I mind, mind you. Was that a proper sentence? Hold on... coffee's finished.

Ok, now I can think. What is it about that first sip from fresh brewed coffee that is sooooo damned satisfying? I actually wanted to talk about my journal tonight and some of my observations in regards to it. When I write this I try and pretty much keep it as a long email to myself, or at least that's how I tend to view it. I can honestly say that I'm only really aware that others are reading it when I check my mail, upload, or view my stats. But when I'm writing I lose myself in that feeling of distance and anonymity. On occasion I find myself doubting what I wrote, and then I have to remind myself why I write, instead of who my audience is. I enjoy the audience, but its not why I write. But its a bit of a catch-22, cause when I don't get feedback I do start wondering about my content, subject matter, and all that other "clutter". So there is a bit of contradiction there. And for the record that wasn't a shameless solicitation for Email or anything, if people mail me I want it to be because they genuinely felt a need to share something or to comment on what they read.

I only read a few other journals regularly, but often surf the webrings and just read snippets from people's pages at random. I guess that's when I become more aware of my own writings. I find that for the most part the people that are actively participating in the journal mailing / discussion lists, and are actively promoting their sites by posting hyperlinks to their journals have a different feel to their writings. I find that those sites tend to be written with a definite feel of who their audiences are, and its more entertainment value rather than selfgrowth. Hmmmm, I probably just let that come out all wrong, and could possibly have pissed off a few people in the meantime. Entertainment value is probably a totally wrong summation. More like a guest speaker taking the podium for a day when you usually get English Lit, but instead (for whatever reason) the Prof. decides to ask the discoverers of Halle-Bop in for the day. But definitely someone with a set agenda about what it is they wanna discuss in that forum on that date. Almost like reading carefully constructed liner notes. And no that's not meant to be a criticism, just an observation. Because from what I can see those are definitely the more popular journals within "the online journal community"... I really hate any reference to community in regards to a certain field, especially within cyberspace. I wonder though, if they write in a certain fashion to ensure the mass appeal? Or are they themselves just very orientated towards that which is popular culture and opinion? Not that it consumes a whole lot of my thought or anything, just was wondering a bit about that today.

Also I think I have definite reasons as to why I avoid some journals, you know what I mean. Things that seem rude, pretentious, elitist, or just foolish. There are actually two journals written by women that I know are very popular and I tried to read them both.But one of them I couldn't even bring myself to open the front page as I just found the intro to be so offensive. Maybe offensive is a bad word, more like "inclusive" I guess. Even now when this woman posts to the mailing lists I just delete her messages without even reading them. The only censorship I believe in is that which we impose on ourselves. The other woman's is VERY popular, and I often see it in people's links pages. I tried to read it but it just drains me. It's like reading a really bad harlequin romance, or at least how I imagine a bad harlequin romance to read. That's my subtle way of disclaiming ever having read one. Oh, oh, oh,... here's a better analogy. Its like reading a bored housewife's article to Australian Woman's Weekly. I never read far enough to find out, but I was certain that the term "sun-dappled" would definitely make an appearance somewhere in the journal. And see that's what makes me a shit. I don't like the journals that everyone else likes, I don't like popular culture, and if I do it's more for the cheese element rather than finding it valid, engaging, or interesting.

Guess it was on my mind as I told a girl that I work with that I keep a diary online. Her response was somewhat overwhelming in that she gushed about it without even seeing it. Mostly based on what it is she knows about me and the relationship we have. I answered all her questions about it as honestly as I could, except I do think I hurt her feelings when she asked if she'd ever been mentioned in it and I responded "nope". Told her she'd have to piss me off first... but did promise her a cameo tonight. So there it was. But she was very curious in what kinda people kept online journals, and what appealed to different audiences. Mostly though she wanted to know what kind of people read my diary regularly, and how forthcoming were they in their feedback and identities. And in turn did that affect my writing, or did I keep it as similar to a paperjournal as I could, meaning of course one without an audience. I do tend to think that I don't let that affect me, knowing that others read it that is. But of course I'd be WAY delusional to think that it didn't factor into to this space in some form. Ok I'm dropping this now, as I'm not really sure where I was going with it, and even less sure of where it ended up.

OMIGOD.... anyone who reads this diary regularly knows I hate the Spice Girls... they scare me. But I'm going to see the Spice Girl's Movie as soon as I can. How can I resist? It looks like the stupidest thing that pop culture has created in a very long time, I'm thinking it may only rival Barbarella in its stupidity, camp, and cheese factors. But I'm definitely taking a handful of pennies as I just know that my friends and I will have an undying urge to throw change, and I'd rather lose one dollar in pennies VS five dollars in quarters, nickels and dimes.

PS: I have permission to mention my new friend's name *G*... its Noah, that runs the Male Abuse Survivors Support Forum. He sent me a mail today in response to mine, and it was a most welcome thing to read before heading out for my day of drudgery. The day actually wasn't so bad afterall. *S*

PPS: I want Bill Gates to get his greedy little fingers outta my computer, I'm tired of him rifling through my stuff.

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