Jan 19 5:35pm

So today's a write-off, three people have accused me of being "menstrual". It's nice to know my friends are not only nasty but sexist and vagophobic as well. Not sure if vagophobic is a  word or not, but I've used it for years. I tend to view it as associating traits, habits, or behaviors that are markedly "female" with situations that are unpleasant. Hmmmmmm, or did I just define sexism? Like me being a totally nasty bitch all day to everyone that comes within spitting distance of my little vile self. See now that was a vagophobic statement, me associating the word bitch with my nasty behavior. Sorry, it was the only word I could think of, I seldom feel butch enough to be a bastard. I tend to be more cutting when I'm on edge. A bastard is more of a asshole, nasty with no real style. While on the other hand being a bitch will definitely take you places. See how this works... I'm cheering myself up all ready.

Listening to Imani Coppola right now, actually fished it out and replaced that "angry white female" Alanis Morrisette, decided to when I was reading Miranda Wood's journal and she mentioned that she'd bought it as well. Finally I find someone who even knows who Imani is. I searched for this CD for almost a month and not a single sales clerk even looked the least bit aware of who she was. But had I said "can I have the new Green Day CD, they woulda fallen over each other to help me and locate it. I've replaced "legend of a cowgirl" as my fav song off the CD with the song "its all about me me and me". Gotta love someone who will sing about how her inner child got fed up and said "I got a job, I'm moving out, going to the city, getting big titties... I'm gone."

Dan's been hassling me alot lately, repeatedly offering to do stuff with me on the nights that both Greg and I are free. I keep telling him that those are not free nights and he pulls the whole "I'm thinking of killing myself routine", I ignore it now. I think its a game for him, to see if I'll do something with him on "Greg's night"... like its bonus points for Dan if I succumb. Well for the record Dan is batting at ZERO right now. Just now he was icq'ing me to death that he'd gone ahead and made us dinner as he thought I was coming over... YEESH. Oh well honey, guess the cat gets leftovers for supper.

I got mail recently that my journal was "self involved"... *shaking head in disbelief*. Uh huh, and what was your first clue? Ohhhhh, I know you actually read an entry. Was actually gonna upload the letter but I decided not to. The guy was very closeted and seemed like he definitely had "issues" with being gay. Just struck me as if I was to send a mail to Wal Mart and suggesting that they not make the focus of their stores so much on sales. I'm starting to bristle just a bit, so I'm changing the subject.

Good heavens Ms. Coppolla just said something about "I'm gonna pick a big fat booger", I think I'll fight the urge to rewind and see just what the context was.

Greg is putting the final touches on his business venture tonight so his meeting could run late. Which is OK as I have paperwork to finish up on this end. I made a late night of it yesterday, spent far too much time with Jason on chat as he's having an early twenties crisis about what to do in regards to school etc. My friend also stopped by and   installed that software on my computer, and then snatched up several of my programs to take home with her. I fear that I may never see my babies again. And when I do will they have aged enough that I'll no longer recognize them? Will they still know me, or will they have started calling her "daddy", yes my software is my extended family.

I have a meeting in the next few days with the SOW at work, and I'm dreading seeing her hideousness looming over me. She doesn't scare me per se, I think that terrifies is a much more fitting word as to how I find her presence. I've said it before and I'll say it again "not only is she incompetent, but she's stupid as well, a most dangerous combination in a supervisor."

I've been participating in the Male Abuse Survivor's Support Forum alot lately, or at least if feels like alot. I find that whenever I post something I get this feeling of uncertainty. Not sure why. Maybe its because when I post here its more of a one-sided thing. It's just me regurgitating and ruminating over my words. But whenever I post my thoughts in "public forum" I tend to second guess myself. Also I find that I say stuff that I don't even mention here, about myself that is. So of course I immediately regret it. Oh well, welcome to that which is my life... or lack thereof.

I've been avoiding checking my link exchange stats, as its such a kick to realize how seldom my banner gets clicked through from other sites. But I also consider how seldom I've ever clicked through a link exchange banner in my life. Maybe three  times, and that's definitely a high estimate. Shit, I'm down to my last cigarette. Be a love and pick me up a carton at the store would you? Then I can avoid leaving my house for at least six more days. I'm severely lacking in motivation today. Maybe that's why I'm dragging this out.

I'm missing my adoptive mother, I haven't talked to her since Xmas and I feel shitty about how things ended between me and my one brother (the junkie) I know it causes everyone grief. But..... I do bite my tongue and ignore ninety percent of what he says and does. But the minute I react he loses his mind and then everyone sits there staring at me like I did something wrong by not eating his shit. Did you see "I Shot Andy Warhol", it definitely reminds me of the scene where Valerie Solanes is coaching Candy Darling in her play where Candy is dropping off a turd to get it painted in time for supper. And when asked she tells about how she just loves to eat a man's shit when in his company, and that's what people find sexy and appealing, someone who will consume their shit. Figuratively of course, not literally. I found that scene to be rather brilliant, most of my friends just wrote it off as Valerie Solanes being a pig. That's such an easy way out, I see it all the time. We don't agree with someone and can't bear to look at the deeper meaning of something they said or did, so we just write them off with one or two strategically placed words. Or not so strategically placed, depending of course on the "dismisser" that is.

I have to build my 4 year old niece a WebPage so that's something I'm really looking forward to. But  I'm getting tedious so I'm stopping this now...


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