Jan 17

I just spent a whack of time redoing my index and trying to rearrange my navigation and when I was ready to upload I decided that I hated it so I left it in the computer. People always say that I'm incredibly scattered, and I'm starting to think I agree. I tend to put alot of energy into stuff and before its completion I box it up and put it away. When I was a kid I remember becoming obsessed with my projects and would work on them night and day till completion, I wish I could reclaim that sensation. Now when it come time to finish something I have to set goals to finish and allot myself so much time in a day for it, or I'd never finish. My adoptive mother used to tell me that she was amazed at how quickly I learn new skills and how I will devour new interests. Which I admit I do, but unfortuneately I often lose interest once I feel I've become proficient or knowledgeable enough in them. I'm a great self teacher, so thats definitely a plus. Jason used to bug me that I had the best "coulda been" resume he'd ever heard. Meaning that I'd done so many interesting things, studied varied topics, and pursued all my interests. But yet I never actually in my mind finished any of them. Occasionally I'm reminded and then I get sorta depressed about "what coulda been" but for the most part I don't. Not even sure why I'm writing about this, it just sorta came up once I opened my editor up. Bizarre. My dad says that its because I have too many interests that I can't ever stay focused on any one thing for too long, my brother claims that I'm always searching, and my adoptive mom just says its my personality and my nature. Sounds like three relatively "pat" answers to me. Anyways enough of this...

Ahhh k, feeling better now... I just cranked up my stereo and poured a tar black cup of caffeine. The problem was definitely the silence of my surroundings. You know the kind, when your brain flips into some gear and starts making noise  because you haven't stimulated (aka distracted) it.

So whats happened over the last few days? Well I'm back at work full time and suprisingly the SOW hasn't been after me to get in all my December paperwork that was due on Jan 8th. Either she's laying low like a cobra ready to strike, or she realizes just how sick I am and how slow my recovery has been. I'll finish off all my paperwork this weekend and sneak into the office to drop it off early next week. My list of "things to do" is just huge right now. But the good news is that I'm feeling much better, still a little distracted but I'll blame that on being off work for such a long time. I dropped off a bunch of film today so I'm really looking forward to getting it back. I have some pictures of Greg that I want to scan so I can show him off to a few of my online friends. Was at Coles as well and was tempted to buy Toni Morrison's new book Paradise, but its $33.00 before tax and I have to watch my finances till I move. I'll wait and see if a girl I work with buys it or not, god knows that she owes me a few book borrows.

Greg has started the ball in motion for a new business venture that he's entering in on. It's a no lose situation as he has it set up. But unfortuneately one of the guys that he's starting it with is starting to be a little difficult. Its one of those things where they could put out no money upfront in lieau of such a big profit in the long run. Or they could all put out a ton of money upfront for a bigger profit in the long run. If they go with the second option they all run the risk of losing their shirts as well, but with the first option there literally is no chance any of them would lose anything except for the time invested. His partner is a pretty greedy guy, so we aren't surprised that he's being like this. Oh well, its not my concern I guess, well to a degree what he does will affect me.... but you know what I mean.

Good news, with the passing of my sickness so has my uncontrollable urge to cry at the drop off a hat. God James how many cliches are you gonna use in today's journal entry? I swear to god you think I could be a little more creative with my words. I must be getting more like my father daily. He's big on cliches... "a watched pot never boils", yeah dad WHATEVER. *making a "W" with my thumbs and forefingers*

I went in with a friend of mine on a software disk that I just had to have, but unfortuneately am feeling the pains of joint custody already. She's such a scrounge I swear to god. She refuses to leave it with me for fear she'll never get it back. Meaning that she's installed it on her computer, but refuses to courier me the program till she can come by and watch me install it, so that she can take it home with her. I told her that I'd like to hang onto it for a few days on the offchance I have to uninstall for whatever reason, etc but no go, she won't budge. YEESH. I pray she never has children.

I've had my childhood on my mind alot this last week, maybe its because I left that one conversation unfinished with Greg, or maybe because I've been looking at sites of abuse survivors more often. I'm not feeling f*cked up over it or nothing, but at the same time I've been beating myself over it alot lately. Things like looking at all the shortcomings in my life and relating them to my personality and how that was influenced by my childhood. And then of course I have to berate myself because I know the problem but spend time floundering unable to change it. Or not knowing what my next step is once I do isolate the problem. If it was something like "I hate pees, because my stepfather used to sit on chest and force them down my throat till I vomited" which is true incidentally, then I could just find some way of exposing myself to pees till I no longer hated them (which I have). But its more the emotional stuff, like my lack of control over specific ways I react in certain situations, etc. Thats where I find that I have the most limitations and the least amount of control.

For the most part I'm a really easygoing guy, but I definitely have my neurosis. For humor's sake I'll state two of the ones that my friends bug me about consistently. 1) if I'm unloading my cart at the supermarket I have to "categorize" all the stuff coming out of the cart. Meaning that all the fruit, veggies, meats, frozen foods, etc all get organized on the conveyor belt. And of course I have numerous subcategories within each of the larger categories. Because who knows what the global ramifications would be if the frozen brussel sprouts touched the fresh oranges. I'm not sure of the result and damnit I don't wanna be there to see it either. If I find a straggler after I've moved onto the next category then I take everything from the straggler's category and place it all back in the cart and start over. Now that I write it out I realize just how mental that sounds. Oh well, on that note, neurosis number two doesn't sound so insane. When playing billiards I have to have the yellow ball at the top of the rack and honestly can't participate in a game if the person racking doesn't rack that way. Ok so maybe that does sound mental as well. Hmmmmm....

I just noticed today that I'm averaging about 40 visitors to my page daily which is kinda cool I guess. I read people's pages that say 60, 000 people found my page in the first three days it was up, and I tend to think "you're mental". Or this friend of mine that has a really inane page on GeoCities and when they had their last counter   disaster, she convinced herself that those additional 80, 000 people actually were at her page. Funny how only 300 people had visited in over a year but suddenly there was a mass stampede. Guess word had finally gotten out, lucky her. Or as my mom says "whatever helps you sleep at night, dear".

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