Jan 10 1:03am

Well I'm sure its no shock but I still feel like hell. Not as bad as I did, but definitely not well yet. There's no one to work tomorrow so I do have to go in. Actually I'm kinda lookin forward to it, as I'm getting very bored and quite stressed. I still have the cough and all, but I'm not quite as lightheaded or headachy as I was. I figure if I take it easy I should live to see another day. *sigh* I've been sleeping outrageous amounts as well. And of course as in all sickness, I've accomplished nothing these last few days.

I stayed home last night and tonight. Greg was kinda hinting that I should come over, but if it was just him and I then I might not mind. But with Shandra around I don't feel I should really be laying on the couch wrapped in a blanket. Dan stopped over last night, despite the fact that I told him I felt like crap and absolutely wanted no visitors. He was desperate, he's so pathetic half the time I swear. But the upside was that I told him he could stay if he fixed a game on my computer and took me shopping for groceries. I'm such a shit to him, but he still comes sniffing around. I attempted to grocery shop, but realized that I was putting the most insane things in my cart. I blame my fever. At one point Dan said that I stood there for about 4mins staring blankly at jar of spaghetti sauce, I don't doubt him.

A friend of mine who recently returned from Vietnam phoned tonight, and when I picked up the phone he called me a C*NT and then hung up. I haven't returned his messages lately and that was his subtle way of telling me to call him. I'll call him tomorrow, he's one of my oldest gay friends. For whatever reason we strive on antagonizing each other and the only rule is to never treat the other with respect. He had a bizarre childhood. He was never abused per se, but he was poor trash and suffered some nasty humiliations as a result. He claims he's fine, but his whole life has been to try and run as far from his hometown as he can. Almost like he'll show all the people who mocked him that he's better than they are, and that he can have a way more interesting life. And he definitely has. He's traveled and lived all over the world. He has about three degrees now (I think) and has studied in almost every country he's been too. He's never worked more than a year in his life but yet always manages to find a way to get himself to Belize, Australia, Germany, Tokyo, etc without ever putting out a cent. He's one of the most interesting people I know.

I was actually supposed to be moving overseas once I cleared up all my debts, which I'd estimated to be in around July of this year or so. But I've not told Greg about this, and I'm just waiting to see how things go before I make any complete decisions. My job oversees is one of those things that I could get through connections and is pretty much an open thing, Therefore I'm not terribly concerned about the opportunity not being there if I ever need it, should I not go as planned.

I've been so bad lately, I haven't called anyone over the holidays. About four friends have left me messages, sent cards, emails, etc continuously, and I haven't talked to any of them. I go through phases where I only desire "so much" interaction, and find small talk, parties, etc to be very tedious and draining. I'm not one of those people who needs alot of people around me. Yeah, I'm one of those friends that once I get a boyfriend my other friends seldom here from me. I know that's shitty, I hate when people do that to me. Yet at the same time, I hate giving up my time with Greg during my regular work week as we work opposite shifts. Thus, my time is more limited with him. Oh yeah, my buddy that works in the middle east is back for a few weeks. I definitely gotta go out with him some night. Maybe I'll see if him and his boyfriend wanna come and play pool with Greg and I on Tuesday, although I was hoping that it would just be him and I this time. God, I'm such a neurotic. :)

I made a banner for Link Exchange, although I told myself that I would never actively promote my site. Guess I get so much mail whenever I talk about really gay issues (from gay people, lots of them closeted) and when I talk about my childhood (from abuse survivors), that I figure maybe this does help more than just me. The banner is pretty plain, I'll make a new one once I get the time and energy... oh yeah, and actually figure out how to do it. This is the first banner I've ever made BTW, so if you wanna criticize it... be gentle. Anyway, here it is.... feel free to give advice, etc.

banner4_bf128.gif (5858 bytes)

They kept suggesting that you needed LOTS of info on a banner to get HITS, but I kinda liked it to look simpler, and of course (cause I'm a fag) I just had to go with the pink. I musta been bored because I made Exodus a banner as well, not that he asked me to mind you. :) BTW, he's not dead. He emailed me yesterday, so he is alive *WHEW*. His banner looked like this...

exodus8.gif (10811 bytes)

(initially this was all blurry I know, but I just realized that my editor automatically converts it to Jpeg, initially it was a BMP. I went back converted it to GIF and have reloaded)

Of course I made his look as gay as I possibly could *G*, not intentional mind you.. just sorta "happened" that way. Here's hoping I don't get bitch-slapped for that *S*. (I liked that background so much I used it twice).

Well its after one a.m, I work at 9am, and no one from my ICQ list is around, and I do so hate falling into a chat room at random.... so I guess that's my cue.


PS: I cleared up over 400mbs on my hard drive last night, who says being sick and bored doesn't have its advantages. And who knew what was possible once one actually puts all them little black flat things into one's computer and transfers stuff onto em.

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