MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Feb 5 11:30pm
So I've done all the usual "first thing on the computer" things. Checked the mail, my stats, the MASSF... and now I'm gonna attempt to articulate myself and update. I've actually been putting it off, was gonna update this morning, or even late last night... well actually early morn as I was up till almost six AM.
So the really good news is that THE SOW has been transferred and my supervisor is now officially (as of March 1st) someone else. When I heard that I swear to god I was positively wet, if men can spontaneously have "dry" orgasms... then I definitely had one, maybe even two. I was just giddy the whole day. Then why you ask am I feeling so malaise-ridden? I have no idea.
After I updated I got the call and then spent the afternoon with Greg, the gallery was a bust by the way. The art sucked and the staff was far too attentive. I finally just sorta stated "its nothing I'd ever pay for". We went for Thai food and then did some shopping. We twice ran into the girl that Greg bought the painting off of and her husband (Greg's business partner), I got the feeling that they didn't wanna see us. The second time they sorta "ran" off, it was kinda comical actually. I finally just asked Greg what he'd done to promote such a reaction. He just responded "who knows with teenagers these days", they're both in their thirties BTW. Fortunately we're adults and don't really care. :)
I had a great evening at work and I'm REALLY pleased with the choice of people to take over my department. I've had nothing but good fortune it seems. Jason and I have been getting along great, we've been spending time on NetMeeting one to one, VS hanging on the net with any group of people and have definitely been moving the relationship to a more "adult" level. So technically I should feel really positive and content.
Now that's the kicker... I woke up this morning with a black cloud hanging over me and I've literally been hating myself all day. I berate myself for every little thing and have been running a fairly nasty self-dialogue on and off. I cancelled a meeting that I was supposed to attend, and a really important one at that. As I just didn't have the energy to even get dressed in time. I was three hours late getting into work and could barely communicate on an adult level all day. I merely grunted at my fav coffee staff even when I stopped to get my latte at break. I just feel like a miserable shit and I've no idea why. Not even miserable I guess so much as "nothing". That's it. I feel like "nothing" right now. I hoped that by trying to get it off my chest I'd feel better, I don't feel any different. Gonna switch gears and see if that helps at all...
I treated myself yesterday and replaced my Bodum coffee maker, this time instead of the "classic" silver or oh so "contemporary" black... I opted for the "drop dead" red. And yes... instead of the cheezy cork coaster this one has little feet, so as not to tarnish the varnish so to speak. I also bought some stuff for my computer and a whack of blank discs, as there was a huge sale on. I priced out web cams, and ya know what... they just may be in my budget by next cheque. I have almost all my money set aside for the apartment, but taxes came banging on my mailbox the other day. Yep, I'm terrified of filing my taxes, and yes I know its an irrational fear... but I can't get over it for whatever reason.
The MASSF has some great threads running right now, I'm surprised at how attached I feel myself getting to these guys and to this forum. I think its a comfort I take in the regularity of the posts, the honesty (blatant) of the responses and personal stories, and mostly the fact that it does seem that these guys would disagree with you if they genuinely felt differently on an issue. But no disagree as in "yer an asshole" but rather... "have you looked at it from this angle?".
Speaking of disagreeing... I said some things in my journal awhile back that I thought would someday run the risk of isolating or offending some journalers. At the time I thought I was just "musing aloud" as you know... Its my journal right? Well I got to thinking that the posts were inappropriate and unfair as this is a public forum, granted my public forum but my publicly accessible forum. And I knew exactly who could read them and get "riled", not riled bad mind you. But of course the person who I thought would come across them was only a concern long after I'd posted them, as I was only made aware of a severe difference of opinion through a mail she sent me as she discovered my journal and was currently reading it (holy run on sentence Bat-Man). And I guess I did think afterwards that when she read them she could become offended or "put off". Anyway, she did "respond" but to be honest I was pleased that she did, as its what I thought she would do. I love when people can say "fuck that pissed me off..." or any variation thereof. That's honesty.
But I am going back and deleting something I said about a specific person, as when I reread my journal recently I was struck by the liberty I took in criticizing what somebody said about something. I was having a shitty day and I took liberties that weren't mine to take. I guess I feel genuinely ashamed of myself for that one thing... mostly because it was aimed at a specific person, and should they read this journal, they would definitely know it was about them. And for that I'm sorry. Sorry that I could be such an asshole, hope that doesn't sound like a "oh pity me" thing. Cause its more of a "fuck I'm an asshole" thing. Its more I'm angry with myself for doing something that I hate to see in others. And that's attacking an individual and waving power (no matter how limited that power may be, or ineffectual for that matter) in an attempt to make oneself feel better, etc. I don't know this person and I have no problems with him, I just reacted like a spoiled selfish kid and wanted to publicly flog myself for it...
EGAD, talk about karma... after I wrote that last sentence I choked on a mouthful of coffee and literally spewed my monitor, wall, phone, and keyboard in a fine mist of caffeine and sugar. Guess the universe does even out in the long run. :)
I feel much better now... BTW.