Feb18 11:45pm

I still feel kinda shitty, but not due to that horrible posting of mine yesterday per se. Just again a general sort of malaise and overall tiredness. Alot has happened over the last few days, not only in RL but in cyber as well. Some good, some bad, some I don't know if I can talk about.

Recently somebody did something that has really left me feeling distressed. Something that could be perceived a myriad of ways. Something I can't define on the off chance this person needs privacy and gentleness. But their action has caused a ripple effect that I know has left alot of people in a state of anxiety and stress. I'm torn about how to respond to this event or if I even should. I feel frustration, compassion, empathy and even a little bit of  anger over it. I want to go into details to talk out my own feelings on this but unfortunately I don't feel like its my place to delve into it in this forum. If you are reading this then I hope you have the strength to make the right decisions, but its your decision to let myself or anyone else in. Should you desire help, you just have to ask. I sincerely mean that. I can't discuss it any longer right now, so I'll wrap that thought up.


Remember me mentioning about how  a friend of Greg's might be looking for a roommate? Well she's not looking for one anymore. We met up with her on Monday for coffee and I mentioned to her  that I was considering a shared accommodation, as the rents in this city are just phenomenal right now. And within 24 hours we'd put a damage deposit down, I'd given my notice here, and we'd decided on a place. I'm actually REALLY happy with the decision I've made. We got a nice big place, newly renovated, security building, balcony, several stories up, hardwood, two bedrooms, and a quiet neighborhood. It farther away in the other direction but still close enough to Greg's that I can walk to his place after work and still stop home to feed the cats if need be.

I like this woman as she's just "out there". She's a bit of a club scene, art scene celebrity and strikes a presence wherever she goes. She's one of those people that for years I've heard people drop her name in an attempt to look connected. We couldn't be more opposite except for the fact that neither one of us is really home too much and we're both pretty easygoing it seems. I think we'll be quite compatible and best of all... she loves cats. She's not one of those roommates that sits down and tries to define everything before you move in together, I like that. Thing I like most about this apartment, it has a very adult feel to it. No more old buildings with every wall a different color and a bevy of bizarre people roaming the halls. Basically unlike most every other building I've lived in, this one has no "reputation"... could it be that I'm growing up (finally)?

I actually didn't give my notice till the 17th but I dated it the 15th and I'm hoping they'll accept it as the 15th. We get the apartment for March 1st, I woulda preferred April 1st so that I could give my month's notice from the end till beginning of the month. But if we'd waited its hard to tell what kinda place we woulda ended up with, or if we woulda got one at all. We'd only viewed about 4 places prior to this one, but enough to know what was out there. And I'll tell ya, the getting is not good right now.


I've been sorta holding Greg at arm's length this week for whatever reason. Maybe I just can only deal with so much change at once. New apartment, new roommate, the thought of moving, new supervisor, etc. But he has since said twice quite point-blank about how we'll move in together. Its cute in that its almost like he feels threatened that I'll be too comfortable with her and lose the desire to be with him... he couldn't be farther from the truth. I just know that if I move, chances of me moving again within the year aren't good, and that I'm in no big hurry to move in with him. I love him, but at the same time I don't feel that sense of urgency to have him at my side twenty four hours a day. Two years ago I might have, but things feel different now. But its nice knowing that his feeling haven't changed and that he is serious about us. I no longer feel that we need to define and discuss our eventual plans, they are just there and they aren't changing.


I discussed my views about the whole "gonna show you myself naked" philosophy with Jason last nite and it was great in that he totally understood and agreed with me. I was worried it would hurt his feelings for me to define it as a "great friendship" but he totally agreed. Sometimes I worry that he's more into me as an ex boyfriend and that he'll lose perspective. I couldn't have been farther from the truth, and for that I'm really happy. Makes me feel less torn about my feelings for him VS my feelings for Greg and what I could unintentionally be promoting. I feel closer to him than I did even when we were together. You know on what level I'm referring to hopefully.

Recently some events have come to light that may actually facilitate our eventually meeting up together in RL. I would love that. To finally be in the same room with him and to just "talk" and hang out is pretty exciting after this length of time. And yes.... we talked about all those "whatif" scenarios, and we can deal with it.


The new boss has cancelled three times when she's made plans to come to the jobsite. I'd even gone so far as to have people come in on their days off to ensure she would meet the whole team, only to be informed shortly before the agreed upon time that she wouldn't be able to make it. That kinda burns me. Just means that I won't make it a priority for my staff after today. I told them that she can work around their schedules, and if that means coming in on her days off, then be it. But I still like her more than the other one. :)


Thanks to everyone that  sent me mail to try and cheer me up the other day... I appreciated it, and yeah I'm better now. Just had a shitty day in a "woe as me" sorta  way. I find that I need the occasional day of complete and unabashed self-pity to put it all back in perspective. This won't be uploaded till the morning of the 19th as I can't seem to connect to Tripod for whatever reason.

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