MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Feb 13 evening...
Just taking a short break between shifts. Surprisingly not so exhausted, despite that I truly have busted my ass the last few days as well as this whole last week. I work for the most part between 60-75 hours a week, this week it'll be close to 75. I never slept last night and got off work at 11pm and needed to be back there at 8am. I've worked the entire day, I have a few hours flex time and then I'm heading back in. Sometimes I just need to come home for a few hours and touch base or else I do get really stressed out and tired.
Greg and I were gonna attempt to sneak out to see Boogie Nights as its finally hit the cheap theatres, we'd paused in seeing it and then it had been moved before we got a chance to attend. But now its playing in three theatres, Jackie Brown just left as well... that's one I'd really wanted to see, but again I didn't get to it in time.
He called me at work and says in this bewildered sort of tone... "did you know tomorrow was Valentine's Day?" At least he's honest, I'll give him that. Apparently Shandra was asking him what he was gonna do for me this weekend and he was all confused as to her meaning. She was horrified that he hadn't made plans, as she was actually making plans so that she'd be out of the house to give us some privacy... hmmmm, maybe pigs can fly? I didn't expect him to make a big deal out of it, so I was terribly distressed by this revelation. So we decided on seeing a matinee on Sunday and picking up pizza on the way home. Hey, that's sound remarkably like ever other Sunday of my life...
I talked for an hour long distance to my friend who is going through her manic cycle tonite. I love her dearly but she tends to drive me nuts at times. During her "cycles" she becomes completely self-obsessed and everything you say relates some how back to where she's at. And I do understand that, as Manic Depression falls within' that whole huge circle of egocentric disorders. Its the nature of the disorder and has no reflection on the person, I know that. But at the same time it sometimes drives me batty as I'll have a few definite things I want to relay, and it is my dime. But she would never let me finish my story as during the "build-up" she'd suddenly say "oh that reminds me of something that happened to me today." Grrrrrrrrrr... I usually have to revert to stating point blank, "I'm gonna tell you a few stories and when I say DONE, then you can have ten minutes to tell me about your story... and then its my turn again." And this does actually work surprisingly well, as it seems to define it for her, its like I've given her something concrete and she can then "latch" onto that to use as her guide. When its left to abstract she seems somewhat unable to define boundaries, etc... not sure if that made sense. Hopefully it did.
This addy was uploaded to a mailing list I belong too, and although I don't tend to follow many of the threads I did follow this link. I had the definite feeling that people although weren't sympathetic towards the man's personal story they were concerned about the precedent it set. I disagree heartily... fire the bastard's ass. If you follow a link later on the page there is also an old story about Hackers taking aim at kiddie porn distributors. Once again I say "fuck the bastards, and fuck them over well." Even a supposedly innocent page like his has definite overtones of sexuality, and for all they know it is a front for kiddie porn and can promote others to "enjoy" the page for all the wrong reasons.
I admit I just find it immensely disturbing, and often am not the rational, liberal, censor free, and freedom of speech for all, sorta guy when there is even a hint of sexually or emotionally manipulating a child. I've only ever seen one piece of "bonafide" child pornography in my life, it made me physically sick to my stomach and yes it was publicly posted in a chat room. What was terrifying about it was that nobody seemed terribly distressed by it. That's what scares me. I don't believe in fighting for the rights of anyone who could be a potential abuser if there is even a hint of that I drop people out of my life immediately. I don't even like the whole "pretty boy" "smooth hairless boy" look that the rest of the world finds so appealing. It just doesn't sit well with me in the least. God, just typing about this gives me the most uncomfortable sensations in my stomach and up my spine.
I know I stated on my Facts page that I enjoy pornography... I do, I'll admit that. But I don't own alot of pornography nor is it a large part of my life. But I believe people have a right to do with their bodies what they see fit, same goes for prostitution and abortion. My fav quote about abortion remains "if you don't agree with abortion, don't have one." End of story for me. But when I watch pornography, and I've seen some, that you can tell the people involved are either on drugs, uncomfortable or are being coerced... VS playing the role of being coerced, that's when I get upset and become very distressed. See I'm not without my conflicts around the whole porn issue.
I have a friend who is adamant that I shouldn't view pornography or erotica in any way, shape or form, she considers herself a feminist lesbian... I playfully refer to her as a fascist. If I had not had access to pornography as an adolescent to help me define my feelings around being gay then I'm not sure how I would view myself and my sexuality to this day. And yes there is something immensely validating about seeing two men in consensual sex (or any gender) that tells you that what you desire is OK.
She often uses the argument that alot of sex-workers are survivors of abusive upbringings and that it is an unhealthy way to live. I don't argue with her on that, but I don't believe that its the rule. Some people have perfectly normal, healthy,and productive upbringings yet still go on to become sexworkers by their own freedom of choice. That is their decision to make. I don't question why someone chooses to do what it is they do. Same with when someone tells me that they drink because they had a rough life... that's bullshit. You want to drink because you had a rough life, but you actually drink because you picked up a bottle and consumed it. One of the reasons I stopped going to AA, I like to drink still. You can blame the urges but not the actions I believe. And yes I have my share of addiction issues but its ultimately my decision to act or not act upon those urges. But yet if I do make those decisions they are my decisions and should be respected as such.
Sorry just musing aloud... its sorta been in the back of my brain ever since I read that article. I feel somewhat better, but I still think the freak should be singled out. Singled out can freely be interpreted as dragged into the town square naked, castrated, and burned alive... either or.
Its funny in that for the most part I forgive my birth family for their abuses and trespasses against me. But yet I experience alot of conflict about how to rationalize my feeling for other abusers or potential abusers. Its like once you forgive the individuals that hurt you... you're suddenly confronted with all the pricks that hurt others.
When I had a therapist that used to relate everything in my life back to my rapes and abuse, she used to always state "but its 199* and they can't hurt you anymore." Of course meaning that she was trying to encourage in me that I needed not be afraid, as it was past and I was removed from it. One day I'd heard that little mantra one too many times and turned to her and said "yeah but it is 199* and I'm big enough and angry enough to go back and hurt them." That was the one time I know I saw true fear in her eyes, I could see she was torn as to how to respond. Yep, just one of many rousing games of Stump the Therapist.
Conventional therapy is such a fucking joke.
PS: I made a banner last night to link to the list of Rooster Journals... ya know, being the big cock that I am. As with all the rest its on my Web Rings Page.