MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Feb11 12:20 am
*** Scarlett O'hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized
it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were***
Margaret O'Mitchell - Gone With the Wind
See, now usually I have a reason behind each time I enter a quote on my page, this time I do not. I just really wanted to quote Margaret O'Mitchell as I have an undying loyalty to any woman that could create a bitch like Scarlett. Don't get me wrong I absolutely devoured that book and I truly love Scarlett. But could she possible be more fabulously selfish and self centered? I was ecstatic when I learned that Shannen Dougherty was to play her in the TV movie. Which incidentally if you missed was excellent. I was quite surprised that she wasn't more sought after, after appearing in that role though. Oh, she played Margaret btw and not Scarlett, although I do feel that Scarlett was indeed Margaret's evil alter ego. Scarlett was definitely a nineties chick. :)
I should really disclaim all journal content this morning in advance as I'm subsequently liquored up and feeling no pain. Or at least that's what I told my frumpy ol' frau of a cat when she scratched me earlier. I know if she TRULY loved me she wouldn't have scratched me. Well it was my own damn fault I was blowing on her stomach. ...I know I'm a freak. But really now... if you'd seen that cute lil furry stomach of hers staring up at you, you woulda blown on it too. *snicker*
I just got home as I was out with Greg playing pool and drinking far too much alcohol. He kicked my sorry ass (for a change) but I still had a great time. I've work to do and an early meeting so he walked me home before heading off to his house. I regretted that we weren't able to be intimate tonight as its been awhile (again) but at the same time I love that sex is entirely secondary in this relationship. But at the same time I sometimes worry that he doesn't feel "passion" for me. I know its a stupid fear and all, but sometimes I do wonder. But I don't feel the same obligation that I would in other relationships, and have felt. Its like if we don't have sex for two weeks its not a big deal. I sometimes wonder if he notices, well that's a lie I know he's conscious of it as he'll tell me. But anyway no concerns, I'll molest him tomorrow if we have time for an afternoon quickie.
I started attempting to create my webring this morning, but alas good ol' webring management was on the fritz so I think my "application" was corrupted in some way. But I'll check again in a little while to see if I can access the account. I'm gonna target gay male sites, ones that represent a journey of what's present in their lives. Journals, art, and poetry that is continuously updated and rehauled. Or people that are attempting through their presence on the net to advance and promote understanding of their "causes", has to consist of original content and minimal links. That always burns my ass, when I access a site on something and its just 20 links, and about four paragraphs (in HUGE fonts) explaining the links. I know I sounded just like Noxzema Jackson in Too Wong Foo there didn't I? You know the scene, when she leans over to Miss Vita Bowem and says "you and yer causes". Oh yeah, thanks Noah for soothing my frazzled nerves over the whole WebRing thing as I was far more frustrated than perhaps I was willing to admit.
If I wasn't so liquored up I'd attempt to upload an elegantly worded paragraph from Noah's last mail, but I'm not fit to cut and paste at this point.
One last rant. I'm feeling very empathetic towards most of my straight female friends right now. This is because (although I love him) I want to discuss one of Greg's faults. He's a very competitive man, always been a bit of an overachiever. And logically I know that he loves the fact that I'm not full of myself in RL, and when I have accomplishments they are in totally different fields than his. Like for example, if I was an artist I know that this relationship would never have happened. He'd need to be the one that is a stunning creator, which incidentally I can deal with. But tonight I was noticing that the few times I'd have a roll and win three or four games in a row, he'd in turn point out how many he'd won. Something to the effect of "you won this one, but it was just a set of three games, I won the set of ten games by double." Yeah, baby... I know I was there. I've seen this before in people and I used to criticize that someone would inevitably take the backseat to protect someone else's ego. But now I think I understand it. It sounds like I'm making excuses, I know. Which is what I always accused others of. "Oh just look at her, making excuses to protect her precious man's ego." But tonight when he did that (and this has happened a few times in the past as well) it didn't bug me at all. I knew when I was kick ass, and he's just more competitive thats all. He needs to hear me say "damn your good". Seems silly to even worry about, but yet I guess now I do understand it more, its mostly harmless. If it seeped over in to other areas of our relationship I might have concerns, but he just wants to feel butch. *sigh* Not terribly deep but yet I'm chalking it up as a minor epiphany.
Could I possibly have more to say... you betcha sure do.
Last night Jason and I were on NetMeeting and I'm almost hesitant to mention it but he showed me himself in just a pair of "tighty whitey" underwear and a t-shirt. But before you say "god he's such a slut" let me explain. It was arousing yes, but not sexual. It was in a way a means of us becoming closer as friends. Its kinda like if him and I were friends in RL we'd have seen each other naked I'm sure by this point, as we've been friends for over a year now. We were talking about body awareness and our own insecurities is how it came up actually. And as I do feel amazingly close to him it just sorta happened. He started showing me various parts of his body and I would in turn describe mine. I've already told him that when I get my cam I'll definitely show him how I look naked, to me that's SUCH a small thing. I have no qualms with nakedness and my own body. Albeit isn't that amazing its a nice enough body and most everyone of my friends has seen my dick at some point. In a way I view it as an extension of the friendship, its a "no more secrets" sort of thing. I'm sure this doesn't' make any sense, nor did I expect it too. Yet it was a pivotal moment so I needed to talk about it. And yeah, I do love him... I never stopped loving him. Yet it doesn't affect my ability to be intimate with Greg and its no longer an affair, its just a really concrete friendship that I covet. I know I'm not ready to give up my time with him. It just took me awhile to put it in perspective. And now I have so I can deal with it.
Now I'm off to sober up...
PS: I made a banner to link to the "queer burbs" on my webrings page, and yeah I know it has the same look as my banner and the one I made for Exodus. What can I say I'm queer and I'm drawn to that pink background like a magpie to tinfoil.