Feb 1 4:59am

***The unexamined life is not worth living***

My brother phoned me yesterday to say that tomorrow (in actuality today now) he was coming to the "city" to buy a computer. He's bringing his daughter up for a visit with Auntie James, and was hoping I'd go give him a hand. And I'd love too, but he's notorious for leaving me waiting around all day, and then phoning me when he gets home to say "sorry I got busy and just headed back home". REALLY bugs me. Also I tend to feel pretty intimidated when it comes to helping out others with purchases, etc. I hate attempting to ascertain just what it is they "want" and then helping them find it. If it was a computer for me I could do it in half an hour, but for someone else.... I don't think so.

But the good part was when I phoned back to confirm some stuff with him, I got his wife on the phone. She's the one that's an ex-classmate of mine and we never really seem to see eye-to-eye. But I think my forsaking the rest of the family on Xmas Eve and spending it with them, has slowly worn her defenses down. We actually talked for a good half hour on the phone. She's all excited about the net (she took a course) so I think she feels we have a "connection" now. And I told her I had scanned the pics I took at Xmas of her kids, and I'd mail them as soon as they had their account up and running.She's not so bad, she just has her moments of extreme insecurtiy around our family. Therefore she tends to run away and hide. I'm the only one who ever communicates with her, and thats been five years of effort on my part. Very few people intimidate me or really put me out. And when it comes to loyalties I believe I have an inherent one to my brother, and that in turn extends to his whole family. I just wish the rest of my family would lighten up and cut her some slack. Yep, she's one of those people who makes you meet her three quarters of the way instead of half.

I broke down and saw Titanic today... took my friend's two kids to see it. WOW. I found myself doing alot of WOWS while I was watching it, but once I was out of the theatre it trickled to a wow. And then to an "eh". But I'm glad I finally saw it though, and to all of you out there that tricked me into thinking that those three hours just "flew" by... you lied. Felt like three hours to me.

Jason is ICQ'ing me right now and something is up with him. He's being cryptic, vague, and insinuating that he "needs" me, but whenever I offer to meet him somewhere he declines and pushes away. *sigh*

Greg ended up working all night tonight and is stuck at work again all day tomorrow doing inventory. I'm really missing him right now, and I'm a little pissed that he never returned my message today. But at the same time I know how exhausted he is right now, so I'm not gonna let myself perseverate on it. Well ok, maybe a little. I like that he's not a really needy boyfriend, but sometimes I'd like him to be just a "bit" more needy. I'm always contradicting myself lately it seems. Oh well.

I've been getting some really positive feedback about my journal lately which is quite nice. I was actually close last week, in a moment of instability, of tearing it down and deleting the entire thing. Not even sure why, I think it had more to do with other   stuff in my life that I was worried about, and this just stood as a testament to "ways in which I waste my days." But naturally I'm glad I didn't react till I had time to think it over.

I'll type more later... I need to do some stuff right now.


Naturally I never heard a word from my brother all day. God he can be such a shmuck sometimes. I've already told myself I'm not gonna phone him to find out if he's around or not.

Greg phoned and said he called last night and left me a wrong rambling sex filled message, guess I'll have to take his word for it. His number is on my call display, but the message isn't there. He's off work finally so I'll head over there in a little while. I've still got some paperwork to finish up on this end first.

My friend Janine phoned and was gonna come over, but she's with her new roommate and she's convinced we'd hate each other. Therefore she's standing me up despite my reassurance not to dive onto and beat her young friend into a coma. Couldn't explain why we'd hate each other, but she's convinced we'd be venumous, not really a vote of confidence is it?

A friend I've made as a result of my journal recently asked me something that I thought I'd answer in here. We were discussing my "sex phone call" from that guy a few days back... I'm still gonna answer the mail in its entirety in private, just figured this part may be of interest, as a few other people have alluded to wanting to know more about this topic...


can I be equally honest in asking about & commenting on such things <g>
... so ... what about Greg? I don't know the full nature of your
relationship w/ him, of course, but ... well, how would he feel? Does
he know about it already, does he read your journal? To be brutally
honest I would be profoundly hurt, to say the least, if (insert his b/f's name here) had those sort of feelings for someone else.


Well it did fuck me up for a few days that I could even consider it, but once I resolved that I could indeed phone this person to just find out who they were without any threat of actually meeting him then I was Ok to make the phone call. And yeah, I was still tempted for various reasons to meet him. But more because he's someone I genuinely enjoyed beyond just the sex, and thats one of the reasons I decided to not meet him, although we have talked on the phone just to catch up a bit. I explained right off the bat what the situation was with me and he was really good about it, although I know that had I been willing to transgress so to speak he would've been the oppurtunist and taken me up on it. Thats the last time I will talk to this guy, I told him that and he  understood.

And as far as Greg and I go, yes we are totally monogamous. Thats why I'd stated after this phone call that if I did cheat on him, I'd have to tell him and then I know I'd lose him for good. And rightfully so I think. I never told him about the call, as it was somewhere I'm just not willing to go with him right now, also when I've tried to talk to him about my "past" he just tells me that its no longer relevant. That it wouldn't make him love me any less, etc. In a way I had to talk to this guy to give that part of my life some "closure", to prove to myself that the demon appeared bigger than it was.

Greg has no idea I keep a journal online, I on occasion refer to "my diary" and he just assumes its a paper one. Only one person knows I do this, and she doesn't know where it is or how to access it even if she had net access. And yeah, if Greg knew he'd be hurt, as would I should I ever find out he thought about someone else sexually. Actually no, I could deal with that as I think he could have those feelings and not act on them, as I'm sure... actually I know that he puts the same  trust in me. Thats what I guess kept me from acting, that and the fact that I do love him and don't want to ever betray him. I honestly believe he is the one man I'll love forever, despite what the future holds. We could break up tomorrow, but he'd always be "the one that got away".

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