Dec 30 (cut and pasted from email sent earlier this morn)

Well, well, well... Once I mailed that last journal entry to myself I had an interesting talk with my brother (I've been typing these out as emails by the way with the hope of just cutting and pasting them into my editor when I get home).

I was dicking around on his computer last night and scanning stuff for graphics and pics for my personal page. Then I came across all these REALLY poorly hidden folders titled Susan, Jill. Claire, etc. and what did I do? Yep, I read em... actually just looked at the pics of these women, but that in itself is bad enough I know. But I sat him down and explained to him how to better hide them and how to manipulate different email free addresses to better hide his online affairs. Like for example: open up separate accounts under each of the women's names and use those accounts to forward anything they send him ... using it as storage space so he never keeps anything on his hard drive. Also had to explain about shutting down his browser so that no one can "backspace" to see what he's been up to.

Now is the part where I explain why I did that. I love my sister in-law, she's a wonderful woman and they have a beautiful daughter that I love immensely. They are ideally suited to each other and have a great marriage that I would hate to see jeopardized. But you must know that my brother is a horrid womanizer, I don't understand it... but I don't judge. I figure that if he's focusing on women in Texas and Africa etc then my sister in law is safe enough. If he didn't have this I'm certain he would be cheating on her in RL. I've asked him and believe that he never has, he's always been painfully honest with me.We have an "understanding" that I don't share with my other siblings.

I decided to teach him these little tricks when I saw her siblings on the computer sending email and playing games... like I said these folders were VERY poorly hidden. And her family thrives on turmoil and scandal. God knows I've lived through several such wretched and dastardly deed recitals since arriving here. So I figure if he hides it fully then she doesn't run the risk of getting hurt. I've always kept the belief that no matter what I hear about friends' lovers... I'm never the one to tell. I did that once and am still paying for the consequences. He would never leave her and he's not some twisted pervert, I just know he needs that extra attention from women... WHY? I've no idea,and to be honest I don't care. I just know that these two are together for life. Also the mails were so minimal for each woman that I wasn't terribly concerned, he's new to the net and will tire of it soon enough. Sounds like I'm defending him doesn't it, maybe I am. He's a womanizing bastard, but he's my womanizing bastard damnit.

Now my stepbrother... THAT is a different story, I'd turn his ass in a second. Remember I stated that I don't tell on friends and I don't tell friends. He falls into neither category. There are times when being a prick is a godsend. Not to mention REALLY good therapy.


FINALLY!!!! I'm home *G*. My brother drove me home this morning and we talked and bonded on the ride up. Actually he was coming up to look at a truck he wants to buy, but I'm gonna tell myself that it was so he'd have time with me. He was initially gonna leave today around suppertime but said he'd come earlier to give me a ride. I showed him my computer and we stopped at Greg's work first so that I could pick up my keys from him. My brother didn't come in and meet G though... he, not like I expected him too.

The hardest thing was not being able to kiss him when I saw him. We talked a bit and as I was leaving he sort of linked his finger in my pocket and was acting like he wouldn't let go, just sort of "tugged" at me and smiled. But of course one of his clients had to interrupt and ask some stupid question. AURGH!!! We discussed our plans for tonight and he updated me one a few silly things, it was nice.

I'm at home now and am soooooo happy to put fingers to keys. My HTML editor trial expires tomorrow so it may be a few days till I can crack it, so this may be my last update for a bit. I'll continue to save entries, just may not be able to update for awhile... thats all. If anyone knows of a good editor that is just the right price (FREE) then shoot me a mail and if possible a download site addy as well.

I wrote a story/summary of my childhood to be included in Jaeyde's site on survivors, but once I wrote it... it kinda fucked me up. Not sure why, but I guess I included some stuff that still makes me feel alot of shame. I felt almost ill when I woke up and thought about what I'd sent. I of course mailed her to tell her to cancel uploading it, but I kept a copy in my mail so if need be I might just edited it down a bit and then resend it. While I was writing it I started to cry and that totally surprised me. I didn't even realize that I was crying until my nose started to run and tears were falling onto my T-shirt. I'm fine now though, just occasionally I think about stuff that I've yet to accept, both stuff that happened to me and stuff that I did as a result of being such a screwed up kid.

I'm gonna finish up some paperwork before Greg gets off work and then I'll hang his painting. I'm thinking right above my computer desk so that I can see it while I'm working. God knows I spend most of my time at home in front of the screen anyways.

DAMN I'M GLAD TO BE HOME....!!!!!! *G*

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