Dec 29th (transcribed from email and posted Dec 30th)

So here it is, the night before the morning I go home. Actually been trying to get home for several days now, except it just never seems to pan out. Either my ride cancels or by that point its to late for me to get a ride to the bus depot. Was really hoping I could get a ride back to my city because I'm hauling home one of those ergonomic computer chairs that a friend donated in lieu of me helping her with her computer. I also tend to overpack on my holidays and never make room for the excess stuff that I tend to accumulate whenever I come home. I've also got about three excess bags of stuff like various odds and ends that I received as gifts that are just sort of sitting in white grocery bags. And I REFUSE to look like some piece of white trash, god knows I've seen those bags coming off of buses, trains, and planes,and usually the owner of above said bag looks like someone that owns the bag. God that sounded nasty, wasn't meant too. Guess I'm just getting tired of not being at home and I'm horridly homesick.

I've talked to Greg four times and each time I had to tell him that I'd be there by taking the next bus out etc. We had a nice long chat tonight, and I was feeling more homesick than ever. We made our plans for New Year's Eve and I'm actually pleased with the final decision. We'll be staying in with our friend that we usually spend Sunday with, we'll rent vids and drink some nice dark cold beers. Maybe it was the luxury of having the distance between us (geographically speaking of course) or maybe that we just miss each other, but tonight we actually discussed kids. We'd touched on it before, but never in depth. He told me that if we ever "inherited" a child he wouldn't ever turn it away, but yet I would get the responsibility of raising it. I actually like that idea, as I'm an incredibly maternal person. I think if you leave no other legacy, a healthy productive and functional child is the greatest thing that could stand as a testament to your life.

I was flirting with him and almost entertained the thought of phone sex. But the thought of tossing off in my brother and his wife's bed does not appeal to me. Nor could I imagine Greg ever talking dirty, he's way too much of a realist for that. I've done all that stuff, but I find that hotchat and phonesex are only workable if you don't know the person and have no intention of ever having a face to face meeting. Otherwise I'd just feel silly. BUT, I have been told that I have a great phone sex voice. I often get told that I have a sexy timbered voice. I actually kind of believe that, just cause I've heard it so often. Yet I hate to hear myself on tape, yeah like who actually likes the sound of their own voice? Maybe some day I'll upload a wav file just for fun. I'll say something REALLY sexy on it for all the readers of this journal... something like "will that be cash or charge SIR?". Always turns me on when I hear a man say that. :O

I joined a forum this week, and will apply for the attached webring once I get back home. Its for male survivors of abuse. I actually was just surfing webrings at random as I was looking for a ring on "gay journals" and other gay sites, wanted to give my site as thorough ring access as possible. I decided to not limit it to just journal rings,would like one gay ring and one survivors rings. But anyway I happened across this ring and then found the founder's web site and his message board as well. I love the graphic he made for it, its tres cool *S*. I mailed a woman who posted to the board and have just received a great mail from her. She started reading my journal at page one and is almost done. She's a recent victim/survivor of an assault and has a monthly summary page of what's happened since the assault. I'm gonna link her into my page, and I think she said she wanted to link me in as well, which is pretty cool. I hadn't had time to start a links section on survivors sites yet, but am proud to have these two sites as my first additions.

Its bizarre in that my abuses were so long ago yet I still live with the effects. Now to read her story I'm almost thankful that it did happen when I was a child. Let me explain. I started to remember the sexual assaults over a long period of time (the physical, mental, and psychological had always been there) so in essence I had the ability to integrate it slowly. But when someone comes into your life and violates you as an adult and just tears your world apart, I somehow imagine that is a much worse feeling. It's like they will tear down everything you've built up. Where as I on the other hand started with no esteem and had to build it as an adult.. I am amazed that people have the strength to deal with it, and my hat is off to anyone who finds the strength to confront their recovery as Jaeyde and many others that I've read about have done. Those are the true survivors. I'd never known anything except abuse as a child so I accepted it, I had nothing to compare it too. So in essence I was lucky in some ways.

Now to go screeching in another direction... my family is starting to bug me. I love them dearly, but I just can't adjust to this small town like I used to. Every conversation is geared around family politics, people they all know, and what the best deal at Zellers(shudder) is. Greg told me that when I get home we can go over to his artist friend's house and I can soak up some great conversation and aesthetics *G*. Damn I'm gonna need it I swear. Is it just me or does anyone else start to develop an itch after sitting on too many colonial style couches? I also fear that I may be developing cataracts from all the terrifying combinations of peach/salmon/grey and corral. I usually have fun correcting peoples references to color... "excuse me dear, that's brick NOT red, or my personal fav, WHAT!!!!!! You don't know that that's Chartreuse???". I often call most colors Chartreuse and people here never argue as they have no idea what shade Chartreuse is, but if you do this then you must of course refer to the liqueur Chartreuse in the next sentence. Hey, I told everyone that I tend to be silly when I'm bored, its either that or go on a killing spree. Nah, better yet, I'll wait till they go to town and I'll redecorate.OH STOP YOU BIG SILLY QUEEN!!

AURGH!!! I'm soooooooooo bored, I just want to go home and have sex with the man I love. My family keeps saying why are you so edgy? ...just relax its only one more day. Pffffffffshsht, one more day sleeping in the spare bed or on the couch, asking everytime I need to use something or need a ride. I hate that sort of dependence. I'd rather be at home working on my page or using my programs, my computer and holding MY boyfriend. Its funny in that I've heard everything about everyone's boyfriends or girlfriends since I got here. But whenever I mention Greg's one asks me any questions. Got to love that double standard. The best part is when my family says stuff too me like "you're so removed, we don't really know anything about your life"... DUH, you never ask. People who read this journal know WAY more about me than my own family does, except for my mom (adoptive) I tell her everything. Sometimes I know she's not following my conversations on art or performances I've attended etc, but she listens just the same. God I love that woman.

Can you believe I'm drinking a butter rum flavored coffee? YUCK, yet still a guilty pleasure. I must conceal all evidence of above stated transgression from my RL friends. I'd get kicked out of the COFFEE CLUB FOR PRETENTIOUS FAGS. The cardinal rule is DON'T drink artificially flavored coffees, don't use coffee whitener, never use more than one level teaspoon of sugar, and if you MUST drink flavored coffee... only coffee flavored from nuts NEVER coffee flavored from fruits. I'm sorry but peach flavored coffee is the eighth deadly sin, and you will NOT be forgiven. I'd better stop now or I may self destruct.... POOF!!!

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