MY JOURNAL ENTRIES
Dec 27 (transcribed from email and posted Dec 30)
Well its over (almost)... not sure how I felt about it, or what I expected for that matter. Just know that it was familiar, uncomfortable, and strangely soothing. If there wasn't any tension I probably wouldn't have known how to fully integrate it. I didn't expect to see my brother Jim (the addict), but needless to say he was there like an unwelcome stench (for me at least). He spent the whole 3 days drunk,stoned, pretentiously monopolizing and attempting conflict at every turn. He's my stepbrother by the way. Also present was my stepsister and her husband, hmmmm.... best way to describe them would be to refer to them as the Abused, and the Abuser. Usually they annoy me, but recently I've resigned myself to quiet disinterest. I was angry that at their wedding my ex and I were the only ones from the head table not introduced to the room at large. It took me two years to get over that. Not that I've forgiven them mind you, but I've accepted it for who they are and it doesn't cross my mind much anymore. Occasionally they "sort of" reach out to me and I push them away. I've always felt that it relieves them as they only do it out of guilt, thus they wouldn't know how to respond if I responded likewise. We maintain a comfortable level of disinterest in regards to each other's lives. The stepsister and the stepbrother were raised together and I was adopted in at 15 years of age, there's actually another sort of stepbrother in the picture but I've never really know him so the chances of him ever being mentioned again are nil (unless he REALLY pisses me off).
Since I entered the family at such a late age I know they both resent me and there are often events that occur within the family that I'm not included in because the "rest" of the family doesn't consider me part of the family as well. I can understand that they don't accept me as they've never been around to fully appreciate the depth of my relationship with my adoptive mother and her husband, whom I often refer to as my stepfather. When I refer to my biological mother's husband I refer to him as the ex stepfather.
The adoptive mother and her my stepfather are just wonderful, when I came to live with them at 15 years of age. I was just another depressed, suicidal and promiscuous kid, that did ALOT of drugs, was habitually kicked out of school, and was occasionally arrested for various reasons. Yet they loved me unconditionally and wholeheartedly, if they hadn't intervened in my life I know I would of died of an overdose, suicide, or AIDS. That's just a given. They taught me about loyalty to family and how to be honest with the world and myself about my homosexuality. But most of all how to hold my head up and believe that I deserved to be happy. No one in my life had ever done that for me.
I guess you would have to understand that the severity of the abuse I suffered as a child bordered on torture at times. One of my biological siblings actually said to me that when we were children that he often felt like our biological mother and her husband hated us all, but that they seemed intent on destroying me. I always knew that I'd had it the worst, but it felt good to have someone finally admit and confirm it. Biological mother still refuses to admit that anything ever happened and most of the other relatives haven't spoken to me since I testified against her in court at 12 years of age. Also who can trust a sodomite and a sinner (I don't even have anal sex... YEESH).
But it was nice in that I have seen most everyone since I've been home. Saw my brother, his wife (an ex-classmate of mine) and their two daughters aged 4 yrs and ten months. I often don't see eye to eye with my sister in law but I have to admit that she's an amazing mother and devotes herself fully to her children. The youngest child was a preemie and almost died, her chances of normalcy were NIL. Yet now she's fully functioning and is just a beautiful baby. Their 4 yr old is one of the gentlest and sweetest natured children I've ever met. I spent Christmas ever with them , we ordered Chinese food and soaked in the oldest daughter's burgeoning excitement. This was the first Xmas that she fully understood what was going on, and had the previous knowledge that would enable her to anticipate this night over the span of the last 12months. Her wonderment is what keeps my brother sane, I'm certain of it.
The latter half of my day was spent with my father and my older brother, his wife, their daughter (4yrs old) and her (the wife) 9 siblings and her parents. AYE KARUMBA!!! But I just love my niece, she's the one I always refer to as my evil twin. She's aggressive, outspoken, manipulative, and mouthy, but damn she's cute. Although she's never been tested her IQ is definitely thought the roof. I could watch that child for hours, and she's been an absolute joy since her birth. The first question when I walked in was "did you get my Xmas Email", then she dragged me downstairs for a game of Duke Nukem.
My dad was his usual passive sweet self and his new girlfriend is just a simple fool. Not of to be confused with being "simply a fool". She's just really simple and ALOT annoying.
I had hoped for more time with my sister in law but she was too busy catering to her
needy siblings and her parents.I'm in town for a few more days so I'll be sure to get a
day with just
Once I did all the obligatory rushed visits, I loaded up my bags and crashed at a friends house who was out of town. She arrived home on Boxing Day to find me sleeping on her couch with her new kitten cuddled in my arms. We've been visiting and dicking around on her computer since.
I needed the time with her after all that "quality" time with my family. My stepbrother's hostility was wearing me out, so it was a needed break. Now I'm back at my adoptive mom's, its just the three of us, I'm eating a turkey sandwich and counting what's left of my Xmas present cash... comes to exactly $3.38.
PPS: Oh yeah, I got the obligatory socks and underwear... fortunately Santa's been
peeking in my window at night again as he got me the athletic cycle short undies and some
great rag wool socks.
******I know that some of the spacing is "off kilter" on a few of the above paragraphs... not sure why it looks fine in my editor, just screws up when I upload, sooooo........... I could care less, I don't have time to attempt a fix.