Dec 18 (transcribed from written notes)

Soooooo... I'm on my way home finally.

Managed to see my friend, but not till this morning for about an hour prior to my departure. I ended up having no spare time last night so I just showed up this morning, also I'd forgotten to move his phone number into my new daytimer, and unfortunately couldn't remember it fully. I hate when people show up unannounced, I know he does too. It was pretty curt for the first five minutes or so, till I confessed all my sins, accepted full responsibility for the distance between us and promised to make whatever amends he desired. With all that out of the way he regaled me with stories of what has been the last six months of his life. Can basically be summed up as men, liquor, work, school, more men, and one gay bashing. Even proudly displayed the scar he had acquired as his medal for above said gay bashing.

I think I'm the only one of all my close male friends that has not been attacked or assaulted as a direct result of my sexual orientation. I wonder if straight people ever realize just how prevalent attacks on gay men are, and how damaging all these dismissive comments are. Comments like " I don't care what you do in the privacy of your own home but when you take it out in open" or " I don't see why there's a need for gay pride day".... sound familiar at all? Its dismissive comments like that that can directly influence society's need as a whole to educate and alter its citizens actions in regards to promoting the dignity and safety of ALL its citizens, regardless of whether you agree or not with their lifestyle they still deserve to be protected and respected.

I've had friends that were physically beaten with clubs, sticks, fists and stones, and well as three friends who've been stabbed. Fortunately none were fatal, but two of those attacks occurred when someone entered a business that was displaying a gay pride symbol in the window. Try to imagine as a heterosexual that someone comes in to your work and pulls you off your chair and proceeds to beat you into a coma. This is no one you've ever met and someone who knows ABSOLUTELY nothing about you, except that you sleep with a different sex than they do. Imagine the feeling as they drag you into the street and place your mouth against the curb and then kick you in the back of the head, instantly shattering your teeth and cracking your jaw. Next time you hear someone say something racist, sexist, or homophobic and you don't respond to show your objection then basically I feel you're responsible in part for their actions. Anyway.... back to my journal, not even sure where all that came from, but keep it in mind.

That's one thing I love about both my brothers that are my "full" siblings, they've never edited or altered anything to "protect" their children. Its always been Uncle James and his boyfriend, and they've never had to explain it to their kids since it was never not talked about or denied. They've just always known and always been exposed. My boyfriends have always been that, never introduced them as "buddies" etc. I once had a b/f introduce me as his buddy and I promptly corrected him by adding "actually that would be his FUCK buddy." We broke up shortly after. Hey sorry, but I don't do euphemisms. But a few of my other relatives though......

I have an Aunt K*** who everytime I see her she asks me "so dear, have you met any nice women lately?", to which I always respond "Yes K*** I meet wonderful women everyday, but I'm gay." To which she responds "oh that's nice dear, but don't fret you'll find a wife yet." Do I look like I'm fretting?

I also have a relative named D*** who always comes up and says "are you still dating that boyfriend of yours SOandSO". Imagine that the word boyfriend is dripping with acid, venom and daggers to get the full effect of how he says it. I always respond with some variation of "yes we're still together, but I've yet to find a man as exciting, sexy, and appealing as you D***", this usually ends our contact for the rest of the visit. He then spends the rest of his time going from relative to relative talking about how my lifestyle is immoral, etc.... THIS from a man who cheated on his wife and owes child support.

But in a way (here's the contradiction) is that I think I'd rather have D*** hate me for who I am, he at least acknowledges it, versus having K*** love me for who I'm not. Make sense?

I'm actually on the bus right now, oops I mean luxury coach, because I have to stopover for an hour meal date in "the town that time forgot". And since no planes fly there I'm taking the bus (insert luxury coach whenever you see the word bus). But its hourly pay so they could drag me by dogsled for all I care, as long as I get there on time. The one drawback is that I'm trying to compensate for the bus bumps and lurches as I write.

So therefore I'm gonna stop and pick up again later........


Ya hoo, action on the bus. Some guy (tres old) trundled up to me to inform me that he could hear my Walkman "clear as a bell" 8 rows away, and then trundled off without another word. I assume that was his limited way of communicating that he'd like me to turn it down a bit. Before I could respond he was just a baggy bottom in green corduroys returning to his seat. I honestly wasn't aware it was that loud, so anyway I turned it down, but yet he's still glowering at me sporadically. So either he has amazing hearing or he's having audio hallucinations. I've actually just started to fuck with his head, what can I say it's a boring trip. I unplugged the Walkman and tucked it into my suitcase, yet I'm still wearing the headphones and everytime he turns around I close my eyes and mouth the words to imaginary songs. He's becoming visibly excited and is sure to come back for a "visit" soon enough.

Damn, he's been distracted momentarily. A pickup just pulled in front of the bus and then slowed right down. All the passengers are actually most excited by this little bit of excitement. For one brief moment we've all been united in solidarity, we all quest for the answer to that age old question.... "WHY???". Oh well, the truck just sped off so we've all returned to states of relative isolation, not counting the intimate exchange between myself and my new admirer.

Ok, so now he just walked up to me and pointed his finger at me for a moment, and then paused with his mouth open when he noticed that I was twirling the end of the headphones around between thumb and forefinger. I'm content now, that's all I wanted was for him to feel that brief second of humiliation as he realized that he'd unjustly targeted me as "one of those damned obnoxious headphone wearers". But I'm sure that when he relays the story to his wife/husband (I'm being PC here) it'll have a far more favorable outcome, in his favor that is. Oh maybe.... just maybe he pulled the walkman off my head and smashed it in a million pieces and then the crowd lifted him over their shoulders and crowned him their king. I wonder he'll write in his journal. If he has a journal  is it online, and what's the addy? www.whacko.comical??

at the restaurant...

This town is so strange, we're always joked that it had a decided David Lynch feel to it. Once the bus stopped the whacko got out and proceeded to circle the bus, stopping to kick all of the tires and at one point was attempting to crawl underneath it. I appear to be the only person that found this behavior odd.

While waiting for my ride I was standing outside the hotel lobby having a cigarette and some guy rushed up and grabbed me while screaming excitedly "you'll be the third, now we have a third!!!!". He then explained that me, himself, and his friend would wait till the bus departed and then we'd all spin around drop our pants and moon the bus. Then as we got everyone's attention we'd turn around and start to jump up and down screaming "fuck you, bus people" (I'm not making this up). I politely declined and as the bus drove past him and his friend began to yell and wave, all the while high fiving each other and screaming excitedly "we did it, we did it!!!". Ummmmmm, no you didn't. Later I spot them in the lobby picking up all the courtesy phones and saying into each one "is Bob there?" and then falling over each other in hysterics.

On my way to the restaurant we passed a sign in the middle of the boulevard (between four lanes of traffic) that merely stated "Christmas is on December 25th this year".... what, versus the years its on the 24th and 26th??? Even as a write this there is a woman several tables away who is creeping me out as she's staring directly at me, how do I know this? Because she's leaning on both elbows with her head in her hands. And twice the waitress has asked what I'm writing and has even gone so far as to try to look over my shoulder at it.

But my favorite part of the meal was when the whole staff went to sing Happy Birthday to a woman who was breastfeeding her baby, without a towel to cover herself I might add. She smiled and clapped and sang along, and as they finished she stated "the girl who's birthday it is left over half an hour ago". It gets better though, as she reached for the piece of cake, with fork in hand, the waitress snatched it back and said "its only free it is your birthday". That's the point that I actually started to laugh out loud at how foolish it looked.

But I'm gonna end this as a group of what I assume to be farmers are eyeing me up, whispering heatedly, and gesturing not so discreetly. I fear my writings will be confiscated and I could be hung as a communist spy before sun down.

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