Dec 12 5:59am

I figured I'd write about something that happened to me the night before last, since I just wasn't up to writing about it yesterday. Also nothing has happened since I wrote last, except for WORK, HOME, SLEEP. *G*.

After spending Wednesday with Greg I still had to go into work in the evening. When I arrived my staff tells me that Dan has been phoning repeatedly telling her that I owe him money and that he's driving over to pick it up. So I'm pretty choked, I hate that sort of behavior. I don't appreciate those sort of irrational messages from people in my staff's lives let anyone someone exposing me to the same criticisms. I phone him hoping that I can catch him before he leaves the house, but I'm too late. Fortunately he never showed up till after the other staff had gone home, and I was then alone. I was furious when he arrived and told him such, gave the whole spiel about how he made me look unprofessional and humiliated himself with this behavior. He just denied it and said that he was completely rational when he'd spoken with her, etc. I then notice that he looks right fucked up and ask him what's wrong. He starts into this huge  speech about how he misses me so much that he can't sleep, he's suicidal, and that he needs me back in his life in any context. His voice was cracking and he was definitely fucked up. I was so angry and I react poorly to him in the best of situations, that this was the last thing I wanted to hear.

I was angry that after spending such a great two days with Greg that I had to have its effect removed within minutes by Dan, this is not uncommon and I find that I in turn just become instantly abusive when I see him instead of even giving him a chance anymore. I finally just sat back and told myself I wasn't gonna fight with him instead I just let him talk about his ex-boyfriend, how he can't find or hold a job, how none of his friends will give him support, etc. It was hard to respond and articulate my responses. I understand that due to how he treats people and his never-ending fluctuating mental health that he wouldn't have people in his life. Yet his voice was cracking and he was right messed up, I believed he was capable of committing suicide and I really tried to just be impartial and hope the I could get him to a space where he'd be willing to seek help.

Once he was a little more calm I told him that I wasn't qualified to help him in this situation, I couldn't be expected to be impartial due to our history together, and that it wasn't fair for him to put this on me. I was starting to become even more resistant to helping him, the longer we spent together the more frustrated I became. I was worried that Everytime he told me how awful his life was that I ran the risk of causing more harm than good. I knew that suicide was definitely a risk, but at the same time I was incapable of putting aside our past, and I was angry that I had to feel responsible. Its one of those things where I just didn't know whether this was just an attempt at manipulating me and exerting control or was a definite plea for help. Because of what Dan's capabilities are I don't want to allow him into my life in any social aspect at all, he's a destructive, manipulative, and cruel man.

He kept telling me how it would help if we could just start spending time together, for E.G. if we could go for coffee once a week, or attend a movie or whatever, that would be what  would help. The point at which I realized that I was bartering with him over the value of his life I became very angry and stopped being able to take him serious any longer. I went out for a smoke and after told him he had to leave now. I wrote down the number for the Crisis Center and told him that he would have to find alternate supports as I just  wasn't able to deal with this, it was unfair, and I was not impartial enough to truly help. He knows that I'm incapable of ever being nice or listening without commentary or resentment so he has to accept that this dysfunctional relationship is not what he needs right now. He denied that he would seek help, and knew that only I was capable of helping him etc. So we were right back to step one... him threatening to kill himself in lieu of my company.

After he'd left I was able to accept that I wasn't responsible for him, yet I know him well enough to know that he is capable of such an irrational action. It fucks me up in that I can see the manipulation, but I don't know just how close he is to the edge. I've resolved my feelings in the sense that I... oh fuck  I don't know. It makes me angry, I hate his guts and everytime I think he's accepted it he finds some way to get back in my life. I know that there's no way I could pursue a serious relationship with Greg while having Dan in my life, and Dan knows this. I hate his attempts to manipulate me, I hate that I know he's just irrational enough to do it, and I hate that I can't remove myself enough to not feel responsible. The last two days its been in the back of my mind eating at me. I want to phone just to ensure he is still there, cause I do feel that its possible that he did do something stupid.

I thought I'd feel better if I talked about it, and in a way I do. But I also feel more responsible now, its like if I could just put my emotions aside enough to help him... would that really make a difference? Am I being petty and hardheaded or is this an appropriate response? I feel torn and I feel frustrated, but most of all angry. Angry that he still is able to affect my happiness and interfere in my relationships and my life. Yet if he died tomorrow how would I deal with it. I know this sounds so petty and selfish, but I really don't know how to react. I've wanted him out of my life for over three years now, and yet he's always there. Is he only reacting to the fact that he knows he's been shut out for good? ...or is he genuinely in need of help?

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