My Journal Entries...



April 6 3:55pm

Needless to say I never slept last night, although I did grab an hour before work this morning. Which only left me feeling disorientated and beaten up, but c'est la vie.

I should really be phoning Greg to confirm our plans right now, as we're supposed to be going out to see Lost In Space with a friend of his. Initially I was just gonna show up at his house, but there's a message to call him at work. Makes me figure that we'll be catching the late show, as he's probably stuck at work later than expected. They really do work that boy to the bone most days, I don't know how he tolerates it.


Got my MALE newsletter today, that's always a double edged sword. Sometimes I hate reading about other people's stories of abuse, as it can fuck me up depending on my own mental state etc. This time though it was relatively uneventful, was a good issue mind you, just didn't distress me. Kinda read it and moved on with no major things "jumping out" at me. Thankfully that is.


Jason has been a bit bizarre lately. Somedays he seems like he wants nothing to do with me, while others he's just all over me. Like last night for example. He was on NA on ICQ for the longest time and never responded  back to any of my messages. I popped into his chat room "incognito" and he was there, I figured he would be. And right when I'm ready to have my bath, he messages me back and asks if I have time to meet him. I go and he's being all frisky and sexually suggestive with me. Which by the way is something we do, we're bad for flirting still and playing around. But I will disclaim it by saying that I've not "done" anything with him since Greg and I got back together. I wouldn't risk what we have to masturbate at my computer... I do have SOME dignity. But last night I really got the impression that had I wished to pursue it, then I could've taken it further. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint. He still turns me on physically, mentally, and emotionally, we really do connect on a deeper level than I do with anyone else online. If we lived near each other then I could probably possess the ability to suspend that reality thing, and focus on him as a B/F. But hey, I'm a realist... and I'm in love with Greg. But I don't know... its like sometimes I just hate getting mixed messages. I just wanna know where I stand with my friends. I want permission to be brutally honest, to ask the questions that people never ask. To just blatantly say how I feel, and acknowledge any and all possibilities as well as any and all limitations. I need to define where I stand and where I'm posing those people in my life.

Wouldn't things be better if you could just say to people "I love you, but this is a limited relationship." To tell friends how much you enjoy them, but then agree that you don't want to see them more than twice a month. To look at someone halfway through dinner and say "ok, now you're boring me... its time to leave." To be able to define things upfront without fear of hurting people, to not have people put upon you things such as "you're my best friend, I value you over all others." That's a very disconcerting thing to hear from someone I find, in doing so they give you WAY too much power, not to mention responsibility. Situations like that, when both parties aren't willing, will only end in despair with one person being hurt and possibly even devastated.

Guess this goes back to my whole realization of late, the one of noticing how I show more discernment in regards to how I compromise those people in my life. Not even sure why this is on my mind, but apparently it is. Maybe I just like routine and certainty. I hate finding out after not hearing from someone for ages, that the reason you haven't heard is that they're slighted or hurt, etc. Just knowing that the people you love, love you back.

When I was a kid my grandma used to give me a quarter everytime she came to visit. I distinctly remember this one time when she was leaving, I was seized with a horrible sense of panic. It dawned on me that it was because I hadn't gotten a quarter, so I asked her for it. She of course just laughed and fixed it by giving up the quarter, and she apologized for not realizing it sooner. She could see I was upset, and she did always know me better than anyone in that family. I know she understood my need for routine, it was my way of establishing order and control, when in essence I had absolutely none and lived in chaos. I remember when my mom was beating me that night for embarrassing her, that it never affected me. I was preoccupied with that fact I HAD achieved order, and had done so in a timely manner (before gram left). Not sure what the conclusion of that story is... so enuf.


Well I'm off to phone that man, so yet another chapter in the saga of all that is tedious and redundant comes to an end.

PS: My new deodorant has thus far proved worthy. I smell "sporty" yet refreshingly masculine.. :)

PPS: I have a new addiction. Cafe au Lait frozen yogurt with mixed fruit on it.

PPPS: I'll try and send out some mails here before I head out for the evening. Not sure what I'll get done, but I will try.

back - forward