My Journal Entries...



April 27 4am

***lucky you... pictures are included in today's entry, but I gave em each their own page. I took the time to upload em... so I EXPECT you to look at em. Yep, I'm pushy... its no secret, feel free to tell your friends.***

At current I haven't uploaded anything since the 22nd. So if you've read from anything post-Apr22.htm then I obviously did a lil back-tracking it would seem. My life has been just all over the place the last couple of days it seems, and yet still remains far from interesting. This has always been my argument with friends that insist upon telling me just how "busy, busy, busy" they are all the time. The exact quote is as follows. "Ok, so you're busy... but does it make you more interesting?" And the answer is always a resounding NO!!! And yes, I accept the same judgement upon myself.

Not sure where to start so I'll just start and see where I go from there... ummmmm, I mean here.


I picked up some film today that I'd dropped off last week to have developed. One roll came back just great, as it had some pics of Greg, his art, and Matinee Buddy on it. The OTHER roll was just a dreadful reminder of a holiday I'd taken well over two years ago, and had almost forgotten. It was a trip I'd gone on into the mountains with this guy. The first week was not bad and I had gone along as a "second" party so to speak and was told to "just enjoy yourself, take in the mountains, and don't worry about me". Now call me naive, but when someone says something like that I tend to take them at face value. I was under the impression while on this holiday that my days were my own to commune with the goddess and enjoy my surroundings. Obviously I was sorely mistaken. To make a long story short I ended up being physically, mentally, and verbally abused... not to mention the sexual harassment that occurred towards the end of the trip. Don't get me wrong, this was not a terribly upsetting thing that happened as I just consider who did it and I'm really not that upset over it in the long run. But the bad part was I ended up being "ditched" in the mountains... no lie, and had to get a ride back to civilization from the forestry workers in the area. I then subsequently had to beg a friend to pick me up in a neighboring town while I waited in a Denny's crying my eyes out over such treatment. Now it actually makes me smile, talk about you tragic picture, eh? Sitting in a Denny's crying over something that ultimately had no bearing on me in the long run. In essence I tend to look at the guy that did this and laugh... its like this in a way. If you're gonna sexually harass someone that is under the belief that there is no sexual tension or undertones, at least attempt to be sly about it. Don't be so fucking obvious and don't pick someone that in the long run could kick your ass and make your life hell.

One thing I've never mentioned... is that although I do believe in Karma, I also believe in exacting my own Karma when need be. Somehow I feel the gods will forgive me and even appreciate at times my taking the full burden off of them. So yep, I did get revenge on the fucker, and it was good. I think the deciding factor was when he started whipping firewood at me AKA throwing firewood. I thought "ok, so either I grab a log and beat you to death or I wait six months till you've no idea where its coming from... and then I start a chain of events that will ensure you suffer for your actions for a period of at least a year." I opted for the latter. For the most part I'm a decent, honest, loyal and moral guy. But if you "purposefully" fuck me over, then I will purposefully fuck you twice as hard and for twice as long. I can only think of about four people who have ever incurred such a decision from me, but each time I gave some long and hard thought towards just how I would extract my pound of flesh and everytime I came out a good pound ahead of my estimate.

But anyway... I tossed out all the pictures of above said holiday except this one. When I looked at it, it reminded me of how you can be in the mountains in shorts, yet still need a sweater. How no matter how hot it gets, you're always cool, and how the sun combines with the coolness of the earth to ensure you never feel either temperature. That's what I see... YOU on the other hand may just see a poorly exposed pic of a mountain and some trees. :)


Noah's such a good friend. My first official birthday present came from him. I really want you to look at it, its right here. I did have to resize it hopefully it never lost too much integrity as a result. And yep, that is a picture of me that he altered. Cept I seem to appear to have less hair here than I really do... NOTE TO SELF: Tell Noah to airbrush in bangs in the future. As usual, I was pretty touched by this gesture of time and friendship. I know that Noah has his insecurities about what I think of his art, etc. but he really doesn't need to. First of all, my opinion is the same as anyone else's... expendable and invalid. Second of all, I really love his stuff. I admit I don't often spend alot of time discussing with people what I like about their works, as I don't analyze art. I just absorb what I like and dismiss what I don't. Doesn't mean I LOVE everything by people when I do enjoy their stuff, but the stuff I don't love... I seldom hate. Make sense? Also too... when I love a person, I do tend to enjoy their stuff as I can feel them in it. Its an extension of their opinions, values, and personality. You can spend years talking to people, but to spend time with what they've created will give you a whole new intimacy into their world. And that is why, as I've told my friends that specifically ask for my opinion on their art, I never feel comfortable attempting to analyze and critique it. I don't feel that my opinion should really matter, as I don't feel that I should be given the power to influence, either positively or negatively one's view of what they've created or by proxy affect what they may create in the future.

Many of the journals I read regularly have poetry and writings attached... and YES I do read em, yet I never acknowledge the work that goes into them as I don't feel I can adequately express in criticism or praise what has already been so eloquently placed on paper (or in this case screen).


Speaking of art... Daria brought home a piece by a friend of hers the other day. This mind you, is the same friend that she was holding in comparison against the one artist that I talk about in my journal quite regularly. This woman's work is OK. But in my opinion not terribly creative, nor does it take a great deal of talent. I sat and listened to her rave about this piece for ages, and was actually what got me to thinking about my musing in the paragraph above. Daria loves this piece and this artist, they've been friends for many years. Yet I find that initially when I look at her stuff I like it, but the longer I look at it, the less I like it. Whereas the one woman whose art I love is the opposite. Pieces that I initially pull away from, draw me in with more exposure to them. Till I eventually get to the point where I find the images and techniques displayed to be absolutely captivating. Needless to say, I was kinda pleased when Daria made some snide comment about how "well her stuff is so different" that it really doesn't go with anything of yours, I'm gonna hang it in my room. I'm sure I don't need to spell out the double meaning of that comment.

Anyway the the moral I guess is... "love the artist, love the art." She sees things is this piece that I'll never see, as in it she sees her friend and their past together. Whereas I see the piece, and what I see I wouldn't ever want to own. But that's just me... and I, unlike her, respect that relationship.

This leads me nicely into my next tirade... people who don't understand art. Art does not "go" with anything you own. A good piece of art will go with anything and will stand alone, regardless of what you place it near. I cringe whenever someone tells me that they bought a piece of art to "bring out the blue in the rug"... then you bought your piece for all the wrong reasons honey. Art is not like lighting... by this I mean. You can buy an Artemide lamp, and you can make it a central piece in a room's decor. It can be the most stunning piece you own depending on how you display it. BUT, you can also surround it with tacky decor and make it look so dated and hideous that no one will notice your two thousand dollar lamp depending on where and how its displayed. Am I making any sense... or am I coming across as a pretentious fuck? Either way...


One last thing... someone recently did something pretty shitty, in my opinion, to Noah in regards to the MASSF. I'm fighting the urge to not send this person an absolutely scathing, albeit eloquently worded, letter. Initially I had some apprehensions about posting about it here, but she chose to take it into a public forum, her homepage for abuse survivors, and although she's removed her tirade about him, I don't think she realizes the potential that her words have to hurt others. Shit like that just burns me big time. We are all in this together, and when you make yourself... god, how do I even word this?

Ok... basically this was someone that asked for a specific acknowledgement, but unfortunately didn't meet the requirements stated or desired. So instead of acknowledging a misinterpretation of information... she chose to take a defensive stance and feel victimized. She in turn took this into a public forum and made it "an issue" on her homepage, and included both her criticisms and interpretations. I can acknowledge that when we come out with our stories of abuse we in turn make ourselves vulnerable and can become sensitive towards what we perceive as criticisms or slights. But at the same time acknowledge whatever you're feeling, and that the rest of us are just as vulnerable and susceptible as you are. DO NOT use a page that claims to be there to support and foster growth among survivors to in turn criticize and wield power over others who are doing their best to utilize their pages to the same end, but yet does not feel a need to use your page. I'm so angry... no angry is not the right word. I'm upset for my friend and for the integrity of what he has worked so hard to accomplish with the MASSF. I usually don't discuss specific MASSF issues in my journal out of privacy and respect, but once you take an issue public... be guaranteed someone else is going to have an opinion on it as well. Guess I found that since I heard about this its been nipping at my ass... and I really hate getting a nipped ass for no good reason.


I got a cute mail from Jaeyde today and among other things she told me to update my journal as she'd been signing all her cheques and dating them the 22nd of April. That made me smile, as I love when I see her humor coming out. She also shared a URL with me recently that gave me a big smile and a "glow". Yep girl, right after I sent that mail I was able to access the page... I'll send a letter specifically on that soon. But I did fifteen mails today and you KNOW just how bad I am about sending out specific letters... I'm such a lazy beggar. :)


My poor B/F... he had an "attack" tonight and within minutes was totally incapacitated. He has a (not sure if this is the appropriate word) degenerative condition that will flare up every now and again. When it does he is knocked flat on his ass and in the most debilitating way. Every now and again he'll joke that one day I'm gonna wake up to find out I've been widowed while I slept, but that I'll inherit some great art as a result. We sort of joke about it, but what upsets me is that it is possible that he could drop dead from it. Not a HUGE possibility mind you, but a possibility just the same. I feel like shit for leaving once he was stable, but at the same time I can pretty much read when he's gonna be OK. By 3:30am he seemed stable and functioning. When this happens I don't tend to get much sleep, no matter how tired I am as I just can't rest knowing that he's in pain.


  Well some bad news of sorts. Matinee Buddy is heading up north to work for six moths. This was our last weekend together as she leaves next Saturday to go home for a week before heading into the bush. I'm really gonna miss her, she's quickly become a friend who I love and enjoy. I have lots of friends I respect, but her I genuinely enjoy like a sister. She told us this long drawn out story today about how she kept running into past acquaintances and ex-lovers this weekend. The story kept advancing and getting more and more interesting till we somehow figured all these events would climax and pull together somehow. I'll give you the punchline and keep in mind this was about a fifteen minute lead up in conversation of her part.

"so by this point I'm feeling upset, confused and not sure of my next move. I go to the bar and order a little treat for myself as I figure I deserve some shooters after what I've been through. I order my shooters and next thing I know I'm waking up with a a strange man in my bed, and I realize I have absolutely no idea who he is. He leans over to ask if I know his name and in turn ask him if it really matters."

I think it was the not so subtle way she just casually changed the entire feel of the story, but Shandra, Greg and I were just in hysterics. The girl is SUCH a nightmare I swear to god. I'm gonna miss living vicariously through her... I def need to find a journal by a sexual deviant to replace her.


One last thing... I got to babysit my five year old niece the other night. The next morning there was a "thank you message" on my answering machine telling me how much she enjoyed our time together. I couldn't love that girl more if I tried. There are cute kids and then there are my kids. :)

PS: I'm thinking of incorporating my own handwriting into the journal... but we'll see.

PPS: to anyone that mentioned it... yep, Greg's one hot looking man. IMHO. :)

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