My Journal Entries...



April 18 11:16pm

This week has been just horridly short of hours. I've had too much to do and so little time in which to do it. Even now I'm peeling off an entry before Greg shows up to surf the web. He wants to look at examples of artist's webpages, so he can make a few decisions about how he wants his page to look. I have tons of URL's sitting in my inbox and even more mails to respond to. I know... tell us something new right?

A friend recently informed me that she's an abuse survivor as well, I have yet to hear the details as that is something I'll get to tonight. I'm still consistently amazed that almost everyone I know online... or at least the majority of them, have one story or another. Some are horrible situations, while some are a little less traumatic. I still believe though that regardless of the level of abuse you suffered, for the most part the effect is the same. If someone grows up in abuse daily, while someone else leads a picture perfect life until they have something happen out of the blue... who can say that the person whose reality is suddenly shattered doesn't in effect suffer more? Suddenly everything you know about safety, security and comfort is gone, I tend to think the long-term effects of that would be horrible. I've talked this to death before, so I guess I'll just let it slide for now.... someday when I'm clearer headed I'll maybe come back to it.

Been having misgivings about my journal lately. Not sure why entirely but I have. I guess sometimes I'll be sitting at work or out for dinner or drinks with friends and I'll look around at my company. Moments like that I'll suddenly imagine what I would do if I knew that any of these people read my journal regularly, or knew of its existence. And the answer always is... I'd delete it without a seconds thought.  And then I question why. Am I ashamed of what I write about here? No. Am I embarrassed about the details of my day to day dealings? No. I never second guess myself while I write, but sometimes will after I upload, and so I've been trying to examine that for whatever reason.

When I started (as I've stated in the past) I wanted to keep this as close to a paper journal as possible, with the exception of using too much identifying information, or talking about the nature of my work. So for that reason I don't delete old entries, nor do I (except once) go back and edit them. So I'm thinking that in essence I'm able to tell you all the things that I wouldn't tell you if  I knew you in real life, that is if I did in actuality know you in real life. If I knew someone that was as intimate with me in RL as I am with you in my journal, I would think that person to be needy, insecure, and self-centered. I'm thinking this is where I'm getting my apprehensions from.

I will suddenly imagine that I have shared these intimacies with everyone around me, mostly those I've written about in my journal and I'll be sorta "seized" with this kinda dreadful feeling. Its more of a "what would they think of me if..." sorta deal. Not that I'm embarrassed about my childhood etc, but at the same time its not something I share with others as I do have this code of "what's appropriate intimacies and what's not" and for the most part I don't share these things. I feel its sometimes hard on those around us when we do take such liberties. We in essence can put others in a situation of feeling responsible and protective of us. This has been my experience at least. I just realized I'm regurgitating aren't I?

Bottom line is... I've been giving some really serious thought to tearing this site down and restarting it as an "honest" diary. One that would include a homepage, a real name, and all that stuff. Yet at the same time... I don't want to lose this freedom of keeping it as close to an RL diary as possible. I don't ever wanna write, "something happened, but I can't really say what it was". I wanna write about my friend's weaknesses, not just their strengths, I want to explore my sexual relationship with Greg as well as our "surface" communications. Basically I want a double order of cake and I don't wanna share it with no one.

My dad always said "that big mouth will get you in trouble someday"... and it just may. But until then...


PS: Sarah... I knew it was you. But thanks for confirming it for me. :)

PPS: Exodus... got something to send your way in a few days... be patient.

PPPS: for the record... this was definitely one of those times I started writing with no set idea as to what would come out. That's cause it was a REALLY boring day.

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