My Journal Entries...



April 16 12:47pm

So we did they whole art appreciation thing last night. I tell ya, art wouldn't be so hard to buy if there wasn't so much amazing stuff to choose from. Like I said we took a friend so as to enable her to decide what she wants to buy, but in essence we ended up spending the time trying to decide just what I was willing to spend money on. AURGH!!! I want it all, that's the problem. And the two pieces that I would buy immediately are in a gallery in New York, damn. The artist has given me her portfolio in HTML format, a friend had taken a course on Webpaging and gave her this as the final project. Its done not bad, but I coulda done better. I'm so bad, I've already thought about how I would be willing to change it if she was to ask me to. Her art is so amazing that you could incorporate it into the design of the page VS just using it to present thumbnails of her work. Yeah, yeah, I know... blah, blah, blah.

I'm afraid I wasn't much help last night with the whole fax thing. I have a few ideas as to what the guy's problem could be, but without the time to sit and "tinker" I couldn't give him any help. They seem surprisingly unconcerned that they now own a 500 dollar paperweight, but to each his own I guess.

Greg's getting even more excited about the thought of having his own page now. He's been looking at his art more and asking me tons of questions about just what we could incorporate into a page. Even stated in no uncertain terms that we'd have to upload pics of the pieces I own. Yessir.

Well speaking of faxes and webpages, I'm off to fix each of mine...


I'm bored. I'm very very bored. I smell good AKA I just had a bath, but I'm still bored. Oh so bored. *twiddling thumbs and occasionally scratching chin*


So it's much later than when I started this page today. But I'm still bored. Not bored maybe so much as just disinterested. Don't wanna ICQ, don't wanna AIM, don't wanna go into chat, don't wanna Email, don't wanna watch TV, edit, or HTML. Just wanna sit and stare vacuously... and I'm doing a pretty good job of that btw. Even cruised some porn sites looking for more erotic rather than blatant images to use in a project I'm doing, but EVEN that didn't cheer me up. Read some journals, looked at a Harrison Ford site. *sigh*

Work was tedious and BORING tonight. I know I was hardly listening to anything my coworker said and that's pretty rare. I tend to use my job as one of my social sources. For the most part I like all my coworkers, and not just sorta like em, but genuinely like em. So if I have a whole day of conversation at work I don't feel a need to go out in the evening, make sense? And if I don't have a great day at work AKA I've worked alone, then chat rooms with friends will suffice.

Maybe I'm just feeling that I don't really connect with many people lately. No offense to anyone that's in my life, but I mean REALLY connect. That excitement that mixes with total and complete acceptance, the kind you might find only a few times in your life. I've had it before, but I don't have it now. I go through the odd sensation of it in specific circumstances, but no one like that is HERE now. You know sitting next to me on the chair, or laying on my bed yapping at me.

I'm also kinda horny, but not horny as in I wanna abuse myself till the cats take notice of my actions. But horny for someone to hold and just *rub* against. Not in fetish subway sort of way, but a wrap your legs over and hug their back sorta way. There's nothing better than wrapping your arms around someone and taking their hand in yours so that your hand is held firmly against their chest. I personally prefer to have them hold my wrist and have my hand flat against above mentioned chest. Then for full cheeze effect you can *twirl* those chest hairs in your fingers, or gently stroke that space between.

I had a friend once that was the closest thing to a fuck buddy that I've ever had. A really good friend that I used to sleep with. The sex was great, sensual and nice, but was never sexual in the true sense, but rather was an extension of the friendship we had. It said so much about who we were as a couple. We basically in time burned each other out, he did exactly what neither one of us wanted, he fell in love with me. During the whole course of our relationship, I never even once considered such a thing possible or workable. He was my friend afterall, not my boyfriend. We were too much like brothers to ever be a couple. HAH, a couple of what you may ask.

He eventually turned that love into a seething hatred when I didn't return those feelings. He turned on me and how. I still miss him, but I think I pity him more to be honest. I can understand the  need to be angry when you feel humiliated or vulnerable, but accept those feelings for what they are and don't confuse them. He still hates me, bit long to be carrying that weight don't you think? There are so many situations that have happened to me, or situations I've been in where I think to myself K**** would have really loved this. Those are the times I miss him, but then I think to how he treated me and I feel this sort of empty feeling. Not for long mind you, I don't lament. Its a bit more fleeting than that.

But subsequently I question why I tend to have intense short term relationships with few people, rather than long productive friendships with many?

I want someone here now. Someone that will paw through my stuff, gossip about shared acquaintances, and generally "feed" off of me. Someone I can change in front of and be comfortable with. Someone who could share my bed without sexual tension. Someone who wouldn't think twice about using the last of the milk, or smoking my last cigarette.

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