My Journal Entries...



April 13 10:59pm

The Uncensored Memoirs of Ms. Wilma Fingerdoo... soon to be a minor motion picture from FOX.

When I listed my name for AIM (wilmafd), to be honest I never expected to hear from many people. Well other than a select few of my regular readers that is. I'm quite surprised the number of people that have taken the initiative to contact me. It has been a rather refreshing surprise. I admit though it was somewhat overwhelming. Not overwhelming as in... "ohmigod you like, I mean you really like me", but rather "how the hell will I finish this up when I'm getting AIM'd every few seconds." Don't get me wrong I LOVE IT!!! But if you do contact me and I have to brush you off, don't feel like I'm being a shit, just means I'm busy and don't have time. Even if you're just up to talking once and then never wanna contact me again, still feel free to say hi if you've been thinking about it for any length of time.

The other thing I'm totally loving is the attention. Yep, I'm an egoist. But I think you knew that already. When people tell me specific things that keep them coming back, or about stuff that I wrote that genuinely moved them. That's such a WOW feeling, for lack of a more definitive term. When I started this I had no set ideas of what to expect or how I'd respond to criticisms, praise, or indifference. Well now I know... criticism is dealt with a bored indifference and the occasional journal entry, unless its good criticism then you'll win my respect... you won't alter my opinion mind you. But C'est la James. Praise will get me to expose my belly and if you're REALLY good, you can pet the fur on my stomach. Listen really closely can you hear it? No...? Lean closer, yep.... that's a man purring. Indifference will be met with "oh yeah, didn't like you much anyway... so there." I may or may not stick out my tongue and I may or may not "turn on my heels". Depends on how haughty I'm feeling that day.

I almost wrote "one last self indulgence" but its my page so I'm gonna monopolize.. like you have a choice *S*. The one thing that I've been getting some of lately is people telling me that my journal was one of the first ones they'd read and that its one of the few they check daily, sometimes more. Well darlins... that just goes through me like you can't imagine. Considering all the great journals out there and all the amazing people I consider friends... that's a huge compliment. I think though its not that my journal is amazing by any means, because its not... I just feel honored that people find my content, etc valuable. I've been told that my journal is funny and bitter and honest. Well hell baby, I can deal with that. Ok, enough font masturbation on this end.

I forgot to ask Candace if she had a webpage or not... well hon, do you?

News from home...

Now this has me a bit upset and conflicted. Ok... *deep breath here*, I hate my sister and my birth mother and her husband. Ok, don't hate em, just don't like em. I accepted my life and my past a long time again. But on occasion I feel some resentment about what I was dealt. You've all heard me question what I may or may not have been, had I a different upbringing... so this is nothing new for me.

I'm not having a moment... no. But I am having an angry feeling of, not even sure really. Ok bear with me, I'm not good with my feelings and especially about articulating them. The facts are as follows maam. My sister who is socially retarded (honest) lives with my mom, and is recently (a couple of years) divorced. When she got married I went back home for the first time since I'd testified against my mother in court. This was one huge prickly pear that even Baloo woulda had troubles swallowing, it was a mixed bag of joy and anger and resentment, and not to mention confrontation with my stepfather and birthmother. Ok got  all that? Good.

My sister in law phones me tonight and we're talking about many things... you'll hear about the good ones in time. But as we're about to hang up she says "are you going to your sister's wedding? "We aren't since she moved the date up." Apparently my brother figures he'll travel 12 hours to attend one wedding but not a second one, I tend to agree. But here's the catch... this is the first I've heard about it, the wedding that is. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go if she asked. But at the same time, ask me damnit. And if you don't know where  I live then ask someone who does, to ask me. I'm just pissed that I never got a chance to say "no".

I wouldn't go simply because the politics of my mother and I would be to much for anyone on a day like that, not to mention being Rule #235 on "How to Scare Your Future In-Laws". So basically I'm feeling very hurt. Hurt that I wasn't even considered to be an option. And in a way I was thoroughly dismissed from the scenario. Had my sister in law avoided the topic I would feel better even, in that it would show enough foresight on my sister's behalf. Almost a "don't discuss this with James as we don't want to invite him" sorta deal. But to invite all of my siblings and not to invite me, not that's just not right. It means basically that I wasn't even considered as part of the family. My other two brothers testified along with me and they got invites. I'm not making any sense and I know this. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Its time like this I get angry. Angry that I was the one that got hit more than anyone else. Angry that I got raped. Angry that I had to be stronger. And REALLY angry that I'm the one to still be punished for attempting to be strong and attempt to reclaim what should have been my birthright... dignity and strength. Like how fucking hard is it to pick up a phone and say "oh by the way thought I'd let you know that I'm getting married. Would you like to wish me luck?" Fuck you I hope it ends in divorce. Ok so I don't, but it felt good saying that although I instantly feel like a shit for doing so.

But she's my sister, and when we were kids, it was "us" against "them". I remember once when I was about to get beaten and out of the corner of my eye I saw my sister knock a plant of the counter. She did this so that the attention would go off of me and onto her. It had been an exceptionally bad week for me in that house. She used to tell me that she feared one day he would kill me. When did that change? Why and when did I become the enemy. Just once I'd like to be able to discuss this openly and honestly with my siblings. Find out why they resent me, and why they feel I need to be shunned and punished to accommodate others. I honestly didn't think I'd care that she doesn't care. Guess it doesn't matter how much we grow, move and separate. There will always be those people who you seek  their approval. But yet I DON'T WANT HER APPROVAL. God I don't know... ok... putting this tired pony to sleep. *BANG*


You still here? Ok, good. Cause my niece did a really cute thing. She had two teeth removed and is adamant that she needs to go back and thank the Dr. for "giving me a silver tooth". She hasn't stopped smiling since she got home, just happens to be smiling X-tra wide now. AND my two sister in laws that don't usually see eye to eye... are hanging out. Ok, so hanging out is a bit of a stretch, but they did drive two hours to take the kids to go and see Barney. Apparently when that big puff of smoke produced one prehistoric purple psychosis-inducing dinosaur the girls stood up,   looked at each other and exclaimed "I knew he was real!!!" Too sweet those kids are. On the drive home sister in law one says to sister in law two "who do you think is in that costume?" Little did she know that young ears were trained on her at that moment. Got herself an earful from the backseat apparently, and was told in not to polite terms to keep such opinions to herself. I'm dying to see how these kids grow into women...

My netlife...

  My printer has "old" cartridges in it and won't print properly. Grrrrrrrrr. No more I swear, next time fuck em... I'm buying it new. You think you're doing someone a favor, and you get poked in the eye with a stick. Well no more, uh nuh. Been chatting myself into a stupor as of late it seems. But good chats, so I'm pleased about that, connecting up with some quality people, gotta love that. Where is this going... no where. Ok move on James.

I was talking to Noah and was jabbering about the artist whose work I want to buy... he asks for her name and I give it up. Two secs later, he's throwing this URL in my lap and I'm all flabbergasted. I had NO idea she even had stuff on the net. I don't think she did even to be honest. I'll take the print outs with me as we're going over there this week, could be fun to see her reaction. He's good don't you think, and fast. Noah that is :)

Work sucks...

Well if it didn't then we'd call it fun now wouldn't we dear?

My friends are all freaks...

Ok, so they haven't done nothing new, but I just really wanted to say that. And I do so love that word.

The roommate philes...

The cats are not peeing anymore... YIPPEE. And Daria has been giving the one that she favored the cold shoulder, and giving all her hot loving to the baby. Which is good, as I've always felt that the baby is harder to get to know. Yet, she's the cat that *needs* more kisses. The older one is more independent and aloof, while the baby is just all eyes and observances. Her affection and attention is a little more genuine than the older one. The older one just assumes you'll love her, while the baby really wants you to love her.

All day Daria was hanging around me and wanting to get in my room etc. So finally I turn the computer off and follow her out to the front room, because she obviously needs attention. I get settled make coffee, and try to get her to divulge just what's on her mind... and she picks up the phone and proceeds to spend the next eternity on the phone. *sigh* I'd even cut Jason off on chat as she was loitering over me the entire time.

Your loving won't pay my bills, I want money...

So I sold my car. *sigh* I got WAY less than what its worth, but oh well. I was weak and crumpled under the pressure. In fact I've been somewhat embarrassed about just how much of  ride I took, so don't ask what I got burned for.

But on the bright side... I'll buy a bike, a webcam, a scanner. Pay off "most" of my remaining bills, and hopefully have the extent of the money I need to go to Paris. What's left? To save for that fabulous painting, that's what. Still my finances are better than they were in December, AND I'll be living debt free, that's gotta give me a woody if nothing else does.

Oh my, your potpourri smells like designer imposter cologne.

A friend stopped over today and I got to watch her fight with the front door on the spy cam. As she was turning away in disgust... I buzzed her in. "oh were you there long?... I never heard the doorbell, just *happened* to glance at the TV and saw you there". *blink* *blink*. Actually this happened twice, but the first time I was genuine about not knowing the people were there.

The buzzer only works about half the time, but I've foiled the evil electrician's plan to keep me from my company. And how you may ask. Well kids... I keep the security cam on "picture in picture", so I can watch Jerry Springer and say things like "oh god honey, tell me your last name and I'll tell you what trailer you live in", but at the same time have enough warning to flick to A&E should someone sneak past the door without me hearing the buzzer. Basically means that I keep the cam open while I watch trash TV, just in case you weren't following that.

I took a long break before uploading this to watch Conan's inteview with Jerry Springer. I forgot just how funny Conan and Andy are. I was consistently lol'ing, and you know I don't lol often.

Why articles about things that suck... well suck.

I followed Rachel's link (Shel also has one a few entries back as well) to the Paperwork Journal (you wanna find it... you gotta search it out yourself) and read the whole "Why I Think Web Journals Suck" or some other rubbish title. If you noticed a link lacking... that was purposeful, she gets enough hits when she offends people, I'm not giving her anymore. "She" of course being the author of above said article. You gotta earn my hyperlinks damnit. Its like nude sunbathing... its a privilege damnit.. NOT a right. Ok so I got a bit distracted there.

But the gist is all about what sort of things you can do to make you journal more "pleasing" and what makes for a bad journal etc. Why "she" thinks less people should journal and how newbies are trashing the net with wasted space, etc, etc, etc. *yawn*

Initially I was gonna write all about how attempting to make your journal appeal to the masses is really really really really really really sad and pathetic. And to make such blanket statements about the masses is really poor taste, etc. She did make one comment about how what you include in your journal says alot about you. Read between the lines... she basically stated that people will know what a pathetic life you lead, etc. Well then... what does such an article say about oneself, and what does it say about one's perception of one's own worth and value of one's own opinion. Hmmm, change perception... to misperception.

Lots of talk about what people DON'T want to read about, you know the type. It made me wonder if above said person realizes that some of us find "that" to be what we don't want to read, and what makes us not want to come back. If you like it read it, if you don't then make your own. Basically assume your opinion is invalid and that you are expendable, cause basically honey... we all are. Get over yourself. I know its not deep, but neither am I. Pfffffshsht.

This on the other hand is a worthy link. Some day I'm gonna knock off a version of this page for you. But I'll do my sock drawer or something scintillating.

PS: after all that bitching above... dare I mention that I won Rodion's Site Award. And yeah, I'm feeling kinda smug cause I didn't apply. He just gave it to me. Thanks buddy. :)

PPS: Ok, you two... where in the devil does one find Naked Licking Lamas? Huh? .

PPPS: I'm redoing my layout for my homepage and stealing numerous little "cuteisms" from journals I love as well as my favorite pages in general.

PPPPS: Greg, you're correct on the whole language thing, and yes the piercing is the same as mine.

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