My Journal Entries...

                                                           

Mar 25 2:17am

There is something seriously wrong in my brain. Sometimes I can be fine all day and then some small thing sets me off and I'm just a fool afterwards. I'm being a fool now. Yep, this is a fool typing. I don't think of myself as one of those friends who is needy, or demanding, or hard to please. When things upset me I leave. I leave if I feel humiliated. I leave if I feel I've wronged someone. I leave if I feel that someone would rather not be with me. I tend to imagine slights at the times that I am like this, "like this" refers to my over sensitivity. I hate not understanding all sides of a story, I hate not knowing what is inferred. I hate feeling like someone is holding something back. I hate feeling like this. One of my ex's used to tell me that when I become upset, getting me to talk is like pulling blood out of a stone. My response was always "and why the hell would you want to get blood out of a stone?" Emotionally I close down and literally feel myself hardening inside. I don't like blaming stuff on my past, but this is definitely something I feel I can "thank" my family for. I should just shut up about it. Not even sure why I'm upset, but I am. It's my baggage, no one else's. Nothing anyone did contributed to it, a slight exaggeration actually, but what I'm trying to say is that it's my brain that is perceiving an issue where there isn't one. Well not till I made it one at least. But logically I know its not a problem, I know I'm over reacting, and I know that I'm irrational. But as I said before I can't control it. I start down this path, and I can't stop. It'll run its course, and when someone tries to bring it up, I'll just poo-poo it, if for no other reason than that I really don't want to deal with it. That's what'll happen, I'll wait it out and then I'll push it out of my head and pretend I never felt or reacted like this. More out of embarrassment I think. Cause I repeat, I know there is no issue. My reaction is entirely emotional, and I'm gonna totally shut up now.

I wanted to stop there, really I did. Jason used to tell me that I bruised easily and I admit I do. It one of my greatness weaknesses. But on the other hand someone could tell me that my life was an abomination, that they hated me, etc, etc, etc, and it wouldn't even phase me. But on the very rare occasion I'll catch the slightest thing, and it'll send me into a huge withdrawl. My adoptive mother used to say that my silence was the most painful thing she ever had to endure. I once stopped talking to her for a week, and it was "almost" a physical pain to acknowledge her once I resumed. It wasn't her or anything she'd done it was me, as I've stated before. My father once kneeled at my feet and cried when I stopped talking to him, he'd just ceased to exist in my life for a period of three months. I hate myself for being able to cause others pain and not feel anything while doing it. I honestly feel NOTHING when I'm like this. I should say like "that" as I'm not feeling this now, but rather am musing about my shortcomings emotionally.

The little issue that triggered this is not even in my brain at present. Like I said I'm just thinking through my own shortcomings. That issue won't be in my head tomorrow and I'm sure I'll never think of it again. It was merely a catalyst that caused a reaction that I couldn't control. And yeah, I just had a bit of a cry while I was typing the above. I feel better, but not really. I just feel like I've gotten some of my baggage out. Now I'm back to feeling how I was prior to any of this, and that's empty. It feels like my chest is hollow. My own fault for watching emotionally charged media before leaving Greg's house.

Recently someone referred to the whole art of journalling and relied on a cliche instead of giving an intelligent response to a question posed about what to include in one's journal. The response was as follows "you'll attract more flies with honey, than you will with vinegar." Meaning of course that if you pull a "woe as me" you'll lose "your audience". My thought on it? Why the hell would you want flies in your honey in the first place? Ok so I did crack a slight smile there.

I'm really needing someone to talk to right now. Try and figure out, well actually I know why, I'm being such a fuck-up. I just mailed Noah and am really hoping he gets back to me. I have to send Exodus an apology as well. I was perceiving a "curtness" that may or may not have actually been there. That's what triggered my reaction. Its SOOOO stupid. Initially I had some serious misgivings about posting this but with Noah's advice I think I'll add it anyway. I'm done ranting now.

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