journalogo.gif (27635 bytes)


May 28th (late)

So this is the rebirth of what I've putten to death. I still have some misgivings about it, but yet I'm gonna continue with it. Not sure that this shade of lilac is the best thing to be writing in black against, but I really don't give a shit at this point about how aesthetic the book looks.

Today was, as has been most days lately, shere hell. I'm still so excrutiatingly tired that I've actually started to get a headache in the half hour it takes me to get from work to home. I start thinking about home, which in turn makes me think about relaxing, which leads me to my room, then the computer, and then all the work and projects that I have piling up come to mind... then the kick-ass headache will rear its ugly head.

I miss Greg. I miss him ALOT. I've hardly seen him this week due to my committments elsewhere and this weekend will find me off while he's at work, and working when he's off. Sometimes I really don't know how he tolerates it. He's a much bigger man than I am. I know if my b/f hadn't seen me in almost a week, I'd be pulling some serious passive aggressive moves to get his attention. Yet he tolerates it. I must be reaping some seriously good karma to have landed that one I tell ya.

I've decided that I'm gonna pull out of co-hosting the MASSF. My reasons are personal and I'm sure Noah will understand. It may hurt his feelings some, but regardless I don't see any other option at this point. I'm sure he'll understand, as a conversation that we had when he came back from his month off was the catalyst that made me seriously re-evaluate my role there. My heart, my head, and my committment just aren't there. I'll stay part of the ring, and I'll continue to visit the forum.... but my name being listed as someone that is "involved" wouldn't be appropriate at this point. My reasons are immensely personal and I feel they lack a physical embodiment, so I'm not even gonna attempt to verbalize them at this point. Or as we hear so much of... "its not you, its me."

It's gonna feel kinda bizarre over the next while... visiting and reading the journals of those that I frequent and yet not writing in my own, at least not publicly that is. There is usually a fair bit of interplay and addressing by the various members with the others within the Tabloid Dreams ring and just the general group of us that read each other's diaries. I know how tedious I used to find that when I first started reading journals and was new to keeping one. I viewed what I percieved as elitism etc, and still do mind you, within certain cliches on journallers. Yet I covet that interplay now, well at least with those that I genuinely feel it with. Maybe its the difference of being on the inside looking out, instead of the the outside looking in, that makes all the difference.

Know what else feels strange? That this, my new journal, has yet to take shape and develop texture. Anyone that used to read my old one knows my style and my way of interacting. Yet anyone discovering this... this purple "thing" will have no idea and will have to endure a fair bit till I really start ranting and making my obnoxious old self known. Give it time baby, and hold out... I guarantee you, its worth the wait. :)


PS: Don't you love my big ol' self indulgent graphic on top? Noah made that for me. If you like it tell him, if not talk to the hand... the face doesn't give a lick. <initially it said "fuck" but that sounded crass... so I took it out>


There is no back - but you can go forward
or if you prefer... INDEX