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August 14th

I've succumb to the lure of the Me-7, and am giving up journal slackerdom and will start updating regularly again. Just been consumed with so many other things and been attending to some things that needed fixin'. Me-7 knows about the biggest one, and I'm sitting here with a great big huge swollen ego. I kid you not, today I've been told that I'm cute, handsome, striking, have beautiful eyes, a sparklin' smile... and from numerous different people too. So although I know that I'm not some sort of god sent down from heaven above I am loving the attention. But anyway... enough about me. Oh what's that you say, it's my journal... good point, then let's talk about me some more. *I do hope you heard some self-effacing humor there*

Greg and I aren't getting along any better or any worse, as I haven't really seen or talked to him since my little fit the other day. Pulling down a ton of extra hours coming up soon so I won't see him till next week either. I'm still mad at him, mad at him for not making me (and us) his priority. I mean how hard is that really? Tell someone that supposedly means very little to you something that would prevent problems between someone that is supposed to mean the world to you. I'm just frustrated....

I really don't know what to write about, except maybe how distanced I've been feeling from the journal thingie... it feels like I've said all I want to and want to quit. Maybe not quit but just take it less seriously. I have enough problems keeping my RL friends happy and content. Just seems I've made alot of mistakes online lately. Lost touch with alot of people, none of which was purposefully... it just happened. And I know at least four of them are irreparable. My net life has become increasingly complex. Not like this is a surprise or nothing. I've done stuff that has put me "out there" and then I'm not always sure I like where "there" is. But then again its the old adage of "be careful what you wish for..." Seems I ebb and flow as to who I'm in touch with, and this is usually directly related to what I'm doing.

Yeah, I know it's ONLY online (I hate when people say that), but I do have problems with intimacy, accepting compliments, acknowledging my own merits. And no I'm not talking about "you have beautiful eyes", I'm talking about sitting in a chat room with someone while they tell you what you mean to them and how you've affected them. That's the sort of stuff that fucks me up. I never had that. First time someone ever sat me down and told me how much I was loved, I was about 16 years old. As a child no one told me that. I still struggle with that, I push people away. I reach a level of intimacy that I can't imagine moving past so I just stop being intimate. Doesn't mean I don't care for them any less. Just means I don't want things to sour. So I suddenly leave while things are good.

I know other people then feel hurt, betrayed, etc but I can't be, or should I say, don't want to be responsible to their reactions to my behaviors. I shift my blame onto their insecurities. I'm a shit that way. I know I have arrested adolescent development when it comes to these things... but I don't think its arrested. I've just never been to the adolescent phase. I grew up without hugs, without being told that I was the handsomest, smartest, nicest boy in the world.

I love when my friends talk about their childhoods and all the wonderful things they experienced. How their parents would hold them when they cried, how they'd rock them to sleep, tuck them in, etc. If I can get enough of a sense of how they were held, I can integrate the fact I wasn't. Because then I can imagine how it "would've" felt, and then I can let go of it. Once I can imagine how it felt, then I can imagine that I'd felt it too.

(oh yeah and for the few of you that I found out recently are putting my journal down... grow up and change the channel, no one forces you to come here... so go elsewhere)


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