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June 13 (transcribed)

You know how on occasion you have those days from hell. Well today was mine. Everywhere I went and everything I did just turned to shit. But at the same time I'm finding lately that most of it (the shit in my life) just rolls off of me. It seems to be since restarting my journal that I don't feel as overwhelmed. I'm still overworked and I still have all the same stresses, yet somehow I'm less stressed overall.

I've noticed lately how the stability, and my general acceptance of it, is directly influenced by my relationship with Greg. His unflinching support and acceptance are my constants these days. Despite what else happens I know I can count on him and rely on his presence.

I know I have a tendency to overstate this, but for me its still new... the emotion of acceptance that is. I'm not used to not only believing, but actually knowing that someone will be there for me. People always say it, but few people truly mean it. I say it to people, but I often don't really mean it.

Doesn't mean I don't want to mean it... but in my heart I know its a lie. A cleverly disguised lie, but a lie none the less. I could easily fill a room with all the people to whom I've promised, and who have in turn promised me total acceptance and loyalty. Two of these people are still in my life... my adoptive mom and Greg.

Some of these people left willingly and some were dragged out of my life kicking and screaming. Some of them hate me and some of them I hate, yet some still love me and vice versa. Any combination of the two emotions can and does exist. Usually its not the combination that either one of us expected as our long term legacy at the time we pledged to be there for each other. I seldom have a shortage of people willing to tell me they care. I do have a shortage of people that I actually believe.

Yet I do believe in fairies and aliens... go figure.


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