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June 5... early afternoonish.

"swing with me or die a waitress..."

So after all my anticipation etc, my shifts have just barely let up. Yet I seem to be accomplishing a lot regardless. This break has been one of the best things I could've done for myself. More time to contemplate without feeling obligated to do say or acknowledge anything. The number of people that have sent me nice words or gentle encouragement has been surprising but most welcome. I think its so sweet that so many people have signed their mails "no response required"... so you do listen to me afterall? :)

I'm tired yet I feel peaceful. I'm not sure how to describe it. So instead of dragging you through a torrent of ineffectual attempts at articulation... I'll just say that I'm smiling right now. Not a leering grin, but more of a Mona Lisa (Leonardo in drag) sorta smile.

58 mails in my box today and only one personal one... maybe I do need to respond back to those mails afterall? Proves that if I ever, if a fit of annoyance, unsubscribe from Diary-L then I'll never get any mail. Sigh, so is my life... the only people I hear from, even passively, exist to merely annoy me. Bad bad bad karma.

This is terrible I'm just SO at peace... that I've absolutely nothing to write about. Then why, you ask, haven't I stopped writing this? Well.... guess I'm waiting for my inspiration. I don't know what to talk about. I could update on my online life, but you've heard it all before. I could update on me and Greg, but we've hardly done much. I could tell you about what projects I've worked on, but they are all the projects I've worked on before. I know...

I'll talk about my whole diary perception as of late. I'm noticing that I'm becoming increasingly less apt to say stuff that I think might offend, especially on commenting about others. I've even almost gone back to delete what I said about Diary-L. Just how pathetic is that? When I started writing way back when I told myself I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't deleted and I wouldn't edit. Yet I feel incredibly apprehensive these days, and that bugs the shit outta me. Do I continue like I did, and offend the sensibilities of people or do I spare harsh judgements and open observation to preserve the feelings of people that read. I know the answer already.

Write what I feel and explore it as it comes up. Yet the more people that I know through this journal and the more I know about them. The harder it is for me to write a totally unedited entry, as I start considering those I care about. I know enough personal details about enough of my readers to know what may or may not offend. I always had little respect for people that bitch about people in their journals despite the fact that people who are in it... also read it. I did, and still do, think that is deplorable, passive-aggressive, and manipulative behavior. So its something I decided to not intentionally do ever. I bitch about the people in my RL, because they aren't identified by appropriate names, nor do they know about this site. I try to not offend those I've met through this journal as I also consider them friends and need their support. Yet when I start considering my "own" observations that are directed at no one in particular, then I seriously question my ability to write with any sense of integrity or honesty.

I'll get over this "little" hurdle it'll just take awhile I'm sure. Enough of that...

***

Got a response back from the guy that writes "public goes private", seems somewhat promising, at least he was welcoming and seemed appreciative of feedback. That's ALWAYS nice to know and even better to receive. That was the "personal mail" that I referred to earlier.

Spent the other night with Jason online, as I was really needing a break from all my work. He seems a bit resentful that we only see each other about once a week or so, but I'm not making any apologies. When we do get together its usually for up to 8 hour stretches, so we make up for lost time. And to be honest I just don't have the time to give him more than that. I still am amazed when we meet at midnight, and then I'm waving goodbye to him as I walk out the door for work. My friends in RL think that I'm fucked up bigtime to be able to have someone that I feel so highly for and hold in such great esteem when we've never met in RL. They figure its some huge form of escapism, sometime I agree somewhat and sometimes I argue vehemently. If he lived here, I fully believe we would be constants in each other's lives. Even just seeing him online, I have a lot of trouble imagining not having him "here" with me when I do need him. He still has some problems talking to me about Greg and doesn't tend to inquire, so I respect that and don't use Greg's name... I say "we" went to see this or that and he knows who the second person is. Yet at times I would like to share with him just what I love about Greg. If we had a flaw in the relationship, this would definitely be it.

He actually shared a bunch of stuff with me this time that I'd been wanting to ask, but had been leery to push for. He met up with his other "ex" in RL finally and they'd been tentative about getting back together, both online and then working on something in RL. Well to make a long story long... they met up for a week in a city halfway between them both, and spent 5 days together. They consummated the relationship and left with promises that everything was Ok and they both felt comfortable. Now though... Jason knows it won't work and is at a loss as what to do. He's a bad one for just telling you upfront what's on his mind, you have to pry for it. And this "other" (who I can't stand) is pretty simple and won't have a clue until Jason sits him down and drills it into him where the problems are. Even when you do tell him he goes into complete denial and won't accept it. Jason's just kicking himself for having sex with him now, as he knows its gonna haunt him for the longest time. He also confided that he's FINALLY got a fuck buddy that lives near him.

Not sure if straight people have fuck buddies, but in gay culture it seems "relatively" common. Just someone who usually isn't even a "real" friend, yet someone you are comfortable with and have great sex with. Its usually passed off as being a friend yet almost all the visits end in sex, and the visit ends shortly there after. I equate them as a way of maintaining sluttability while being able to fool yourself into thinking you're purer than you really are. And yes I've had LOTS of fuck buddies in my life, and I'm neither promoting or dismissing them. Hell it must be valid or it wouldn't be so prevalent. It can be a healthy expression of your sexuality or it can be entirely mind-numbing and destructive... depends on your mindset and comfortability. Seems most people fuck up when they start thinking of fuck buddies as boyfriends and expecting something from them, F-buddies don't give you flowers or buy you supper. Ok, well the odd one will... but don't not eat in anticipation of the meal if you get the point. Enjoy it for what it is, and don't question why you feel emotionally unfulfilled following, its not about emotion... its about sex.

 

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