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July 4th

Man what a long day. Just when I thought it was over... it just dragged and dragged and then dragged me through stones and broken glass. If you've ever been dragged through stones and broken glass then you know how much of a bitch that can be.

I get this message from Jason, telling me to delete him off my ICQ, lose his Email, and remove every trace of him possible out of my life. So I do that, yes I deleted every pic of him, every ICQ, every message, etc... but I do send him a mail... a very long mail, telling him exactly where I'm coming from over this decision of his. To make a long story short, he mails me a chat room transcript that lets me know just how many people are involved in our dynamics and our friendship. Now he's making noise like this is workable, that our friendship can be salvaged, etc... I'm not so sure anymore. When I got his messages I thought it could be, and I wanted to save it. But now that I realize just how many people are involved in this then I doubt it highly. How long till we come to this fork again, how many people are actively gunning against us? I love him and I want to maintain a friendship with him, but I can't do it if its him, me and them. It has to be him and me or nothing. And at this point I don't know what I want, maybe I should let him go, cut him out of my life as this seems to be more of a pain than it is a pleasure. I just don't know anymore.


My annoyance with Greg continues to plague me. He phones me at work to tell me about that he's going to a local festival this evening and would I like to join "them" when I'm off work. By the time I got this call I'd had an exceptionally long day, and I was really tired. All I wanted to do was go home and fall asleep in his arms. I tell him that by the time I get there it won't give me much time, so I don't really see the point of me showing up and paying the admission fee. He's going with Shandra and her new b/f btw. I then sorta hint that I believed that him and I would be going on my day off, which is tomorrow, as its the only day him and I both have free.

He then perks up and says "well we can always go on Monday night", and I think yeah that works. THEN he says that would be ideal as HE already had plans to go on Monday with Femme Fatale and his Ex. I see red, but I only show shades of pink. I tell him very non-chalantly that is he goes with them, he can count me out. I briefly explain and he just sorta goes "oh, ok" and then continues on to the next subject. I'm a bit pissed as I'd stated that I don't enjoy their time and feel insulted and diminished by the end of the evening, yet he doesn't see a need to explore this? That pisses me off big-time, and the conversation just goes downhill from there.

I fly out of town on Wednesday morning. Between then and now I have a million things to do, between then and now I have very limited times I can see him, he's chosen to spend one of those opportunities with "them". I'm notably frustrated and angry, mostly hurt but I'm making myself feel angry as well... I deserve that much.


If I owe you an Email, you're just gonna have to wait. I'm about at my breaking point for things that need to be finished, I'm sorry for that... but I'm just hanging onto my sanity by a thin thread. Once I finish up some things I'll feel better about myself and then I can give you what you need. My undivided attention. Till then...

PS: I'm as far as "Patricia" now...


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