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July 3rd

***Sometimes just smiling makes my face ache.***

Frank'n'Furter - Rocky Horror Picture Show

The quote doesn't really reflect the feel of today's, entry or at least not the "intended" feel. I put that up last night while I was doing my layout in advance, so that today all I'd have to do is type and upload... see on occasion I can be highly organized. Not often mind you, but on occasion I am.

Today's entry is still just a nebulous cloud in my brain, but I do hope it takes shape soon as I know what I want to talk about just not sure how to approach it. I'm not one of those people that can just slag someone online and not let it affect me offline. That's what I hate, is attempting to stay true to the purpose behind this site while sparing the feelings of those who will read things the wrong way. Don't interpretate wrong as bad, because that's not the intent of the word. Anyway I'll update on the trivial and see if I can somehow lead myself into the other without too much effort.

I ended up staying up all night last night, as I had an early meeting and knew that I'd sleep in if I lay down at 5am. I was supposed to be meeting a coworker at 9, but she phoned at 8 to cancel on me. So I did lay down for a bit before work but couldn't sleep. Too much on my mind. Too much online stuff interfering in RL. Was worried about the MASSF mostly, and all the peripheral issues that surround my decision. I won't go into it as it only affects me and I doubt that I could explain it competently enough to not offend and alienate. So I never really slept I guess is the basic gist of that soliquoy.

Greg started phoning me at around 930am, but I didn't answer the phone as I was finding myself becoming increasingly annoyed at him over the whole language issue. And yes I was hating myself for it, knowing that it was indeed my own insecurities affecting how I was feeling. My inability to distance myself from "their" behavior, and in essence letting it interfere with how I reacted to him.

I did get a few hours sleep later in the day and then got up in time to watch a movie before work. Watched The Postman BTW. For a man with Crow's Feet that almost touch his jawline, Kevin Costner still has that certain "something". I actually really like it, a bit too "American" for my taste. But if you suspend the entire "America is so fabulous" overtones its pretty good. All that was missing was a bedraggled descendent of Betsy Ross hobbling over on a peg leg, pleading with her one good eye for the Postman to deliver some mail for her. But hey it dealt again with that whole concept of Armageddon that I do so admire and explore so it was worth a viewing. Greg is gonna love it, that much I know.

But anyway, Greg phones me at work and we're talking about his evening and my responses are very clipped and curt. He finally just says "well I'm gonna let you go, I have some things to finish up here". So that's my cue, do I smarten up and get over it or do I let this hang between us? So I decide to make the effort and attempt to enjoy for him, the good time he had with his friends the night prior. I loosen up and we finish the conversation on a good note.

After work I drop off my movie and notice his light on, so I phone and invites me up to meet his new Housepests. I'm glad I met them as they are really sweet. They don't have that same mindset as Shandra. The one guy was actually really pleased that he got a chance to practice his English, and although he was stumbling over his words and having to make a hugely concentrated effort he refused to talk in Not-English. I was pretty impressed, and it didn't hurt that the guy is a drop dead gorgeous hunk. The other guy seemed nice enough, but you sense there wasn't the same level of intimacy there that existed between Greg and his friend from elementary.

I stuck around for about an hour, had a few smokes, discussed a graphics project that I'm completing for Greg and then left to come home. I'm glad I saw Greg. I'm glad I "got over it". I'm glad I met his friends. I still have to talk to him about the Femme Fatale and verbalize my frustrations, as that hasn't changed, yet I managed to avoid passing that judgement over these other two gentlemen.


Paradise just gets better and better, I'm up to Grace now... a friend of mine finished it recently and told me that while she was reading it she had all sorts of unanswered questions and kept wanting to ask others about what was happening as each chapter unfolded. I don't feel that, its unfolding so beautifully that I can't imagine rushing it. I love books that feel sweet on the tongue, that envelop you as they unfold. I love taking my time as I always feel so disappointed when they end. The last chapters of any good book are a love-hate relationship for me.

I remember when I was reading Emma, it took me a good month to finish the last four chapters as I slowed right down, and then upon finishing I reread them. I didn't want it to end, as much as I had to find out what happened, I prolonged it to the bitter end. Dare I say I slept with it in my arms the night I did finish the last page? It was such a feeling of complete satisfaction that I couldn't let go of it. I held it against my chest and that's the point I fell asleep... pretty sad, eh?

I have specific reactions to literature as I finish it.

Quizzical - this is when I stare at the book and really try and imagine "what'd I miss there?" Knowing its a brilliant book, yet not feeling any great satisfaction from it... so you spend the next three weeks looking back and attempting to look deeper. Most frustrating a feeling.

Complete Frustration - This is that sensation when as you read the last page you primal scream and pitch it across the room, usually into the nearest wastebasket or as hard against the wall as you can muster. Usually an ending where a strong character becomes weak, or the ending is just so cheap and unfulfilling that you want to slap the author up side the head for wasting all your time on the belief that you would "get something" out of the book in the long run.

A Warm Glow - Usually means the book was sweet, sweet, sweet. Just leaves you with a goofy smile and an unwavering spot spot for that author. Usually you don't have words when people ask how it was. Such compliments are as ambiguous as they can possibly be. "How was the book? Oh, you know, it was really nice. Just a really good book." I tend to be really gentle with those books when I'm finished with them. You know I gently put them back on the shelf and resist the urge to burp them and dust them with talc.

Maniacal Intensity - These are those rare occasions where a book just completely consumes you. You feel like you've made love to every character as you just feel you know them so intimately. I often find I become agitated in an excited sort of way. I pace the house and just keep exclaiming.... "ohmigod, that was so amazing". Its one of those books that three months, and as many as five books later, when people ask what the last thing you read was you mention it as being that book. I usually start naming stuff in my life after such a book, Me-7 will know what I mean as that was how I named my second cat. You start referring to people in your life and holding them to the same standard of conduct, sensibility, and expectations as those characters. "You're sweet, but you're no Mr. Darcy", comes to mind as one such comment.

Hmmm, after all that... I do believe I'm gonna have to sleep with my copy of Pamela in my underwear now. Don't pity me... its a conscious choice on my part. :)

PS: The other stuff doesn't seem like a huge deal now, gonna spend a few hours with Toni and then go to bed.


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