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July 1st

***warning this is a two-parter and a long one - so grab a coffee and a cigarette now as there will be no potty breaks later.***

I'm thoroughly hung-over and am sitting here on ICQ with Me-7 while we swap pics of all sorts of inane things. Good inane, not bad inane. I find myself really enjoying our talks of late, we don't go too deep as ICQ is *somewhat* limited, but I've been thinking in many ways we are coming from a very similar space.

Similar in that we have both lived through abusive pasts, and we've both lived with the pain of rape. I also think we have put that past into a similar space. Lets see if I can define this more clearly. We are made up of all our past experiences. Family, friends, loved ones, joy, grief, environment, nature, and nurture... to name a few. All of these things define who we become. Yet I firmly believe that we can control just how much each of those things becomes us, or should I say how much we become of each of those things. We can't prevent it but we can influence it to a large degree by the expectations and limitations we put upon it.

There comes a point where you decide just how damaged you're going to allow yourself to feel, and just how much pain you don't feel you deserve. That was my point when I started this journal. To put as much of my pain, anger, frustration and self-limiting prophecies behind me. To leave it here between these pages and not be judged by it or allow it to influence people's overall take on me. To take something in cyber and utilize it to make me a more functional person in RL.

I feel that Me-7 understands this aspect implicitly. Understands that what I write about here is just that... its me when I'm "here". Its not me walking down the street, making love to my b/f, or interacting with the people that I bitch about while I am here. She knows the feeling of making a conscious decision to either let something consume her, or consuming it. We've chosen, I believe, to consume it first.

When I restarted this diary in May, I wanted to put a lot of that behind me. I wanted to alter the feel from victim to survivor (and yeah I REALLY hate the term survivor). I lost a lot of readers when I stopped talking regularly about my rape and my past. I still receive mail asking me to talk about it. I continue to be amazed by these requests. Why not feel good for me that I've been able to put some of it behind me, why try to dredge it all back up? This may be your entertainment, but its my life. I write what I feel as I feel it. I'll continue to write about my past, but I'll write about it as it arises. As the things that are an integral part of who I am affect how I interact with those I love. That's what I'll write about it, and that's when I'll write about it.

I spent so many years attempting to bury how I felt and lying to myself about what I felt, that I can't see hanging onto it now that its out in the open. Now that I've talked openly and honestly about the rape, beating, and neglect I received as a child, I want to move forward. I only leave the disclaimer about my childhood on the front-page of this journal as a way of warning fellow incest survivors that what they may find in here may trigger. I'd like to remove it, but feel that it signifies an "adult" diary and acts as a warning to people's own comfortability levels with such issues.

Ok, moving forward...


Last night we went out to celebrate an early Canada Day, call it Canada Day eve if you will. :)

We (Greg and I) met up with The Femme Fatale on a local patio for drinks and food. The day was a scorcher so we were all feeling REALLY thirsty by this point. Initially her ex-roommate (by about three days) was supposed to be meeting us (who is also Greg's Ex btw) but had given his regrets, as his overly controlling b/f had told him he'd be staying home instead. They felt the loss, I didn't.

So we get to drinking and gossipping and having fun. Then suddenly she says something to Greg in Not-English, and he responds in English "I'm used to it now". The shitty thing is that I understood what she said and took offense. Yet I just sorta waited to see if either of them would acknowledge this or not, needless to say neither of them did.

The night continues and we eventually decide to go out in search of live music and ditch the patio. Right as we are leaving her ex-roommate shows up and they instantly start talking in Not-English. The only things I heard him say in English all night were "Hi James" and "can you pass the ashtray." So Greg and I are pretty much left to talk to each other. Except that Greg was also involved in their conversations, their jokes, and their fun. I wasn't. I took offense to this, yet never let it show. Sometimes I'm such a nice guy... and no I don't feel I'm over-rating myself on this either. I was VERY tolerant and considerate. I showed far more consideration and respect than I received.

Eventually (after about 5 bars) we end up at a brewing company / bar and settle in for several games of darts and WAY too many glasses of Raspberry Ale. I eventually just focus on the dart game and have thoroughly stopped even attempting to be part of the conversation. Greg and I have an understanding and I just let him interact with them, after all he can see me anytime so that doesn't bother me. What does bother me is feeling like I'm not important enough to warrant an acknowledgement from them. I've never made a friend's lover feel like they aren't included. Maybe its a social skill I've learned and they haven't, but its fucking annoying when its you being dismissed.

I've seen the liberties they take with people who are supposedly good friends of both of their in regards to the luxury they take with their speech, knowing that the others can't understand. In the past I've lost respect for her, and basically have none for him over this same issue. So I've basically decided that this week I'm gonna tell Greg that I'm no longe willing to go out with them and him. If he wants to go out with them that's fine, but I'm not going to be part of it. I don't want to go out and spend my time feeling bad. Knowing that they could be talking about me in such a relaxed manner, confident in the belief that I won't understand them. I don't want to have Greg occasionally lean over and explain what they are wailing hysterically over, by that point its not like I can join in the joke or contribute. There's definitely no give and take. I'm sick of people that take, but don't give.

Tonight... tonight Greg and I were supposed to be going out and doing something, but a "friend" he hasn't seen since elementary school has phoned him to let him know he's in town and wants to go out. Yep, he went out with him and about five other guys. It was presented to me in a way that let me know I wasn't welcome, not that I would've gone if asked. But yet I wanted to be the one to bow out gracefully. Yep, as you've guessed it this is the first time I've actually been resentful towards him or any of his friends.

I worry that when I approach this it will come out all wrong, and I'll end up looking like some sort of racist prick. That he'll perceive it as me not wanting to be with his "kind" VS just not wanting to feel the fool all night. I really wanted to see him tonight to connect, especially after last night and how much was left unsaid. I think we needed it, apparently he didn't agree.

So I spent my Canada Day by myself, spent some time online, went into work for two hours, and then rented videos on the way home. I stopped off at his house to drop off his Walkman, as I knew he'd need it and just gave it to Shandra. Seeing her triggered how much I'm starting to slowly resent this difference between us. I could tell she felt it, as she was noticeably nervous talking to me. How the more he tells me about what she truly thinks about English people, and how her and her friends take the same liberties in front of those of us that don't speak the language. Guess its just too much all at once. I'm becoming really resentful and angry. We definitely need to sit down and discuss this.

WOW, until I started to write that even I didn't realize just how upset it was making me. Won't say I feel better getting it off my chest, just feel like its more defined. Now when we talk at least I'll have a specific argument to fall back on, and will be able to better make my points. Versus just coming across as a prick.


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